The good, The bad, and the Beautiful

The good - I'm no longer sick at all. I feel pretty good most of the time and have even felt the baby move a little here and there. I am getting an u/s to see the baby again and find out the sex for sure next week.

The bad - I failed my 1 hour gtt by 2 points. Last year the cut off was 140. This year they changed it to 135 "to catch more borderline cases". I scored 137 and the computer didn't flag it since it was still set to 140 as the cut off. I spent 2 weeks thinking I passed it only to go in and have the MW tell me I had to go have the 3 hour test done because of those 2 measly points. I'm trying hard not to dread the 3 hour test and thinking of it as a way to get lots of knitting done. I would like to have Christmas gifts done by my b'day (late Sept) so this could be a productive morning even if it involves fasting for a long time and 3 blood draws.

The Beautiful - This is what Curtis now does when you ask him to smile for the camera (he had just come in from playing with the hose so that's why he's wet). He's super cute as always and keeps me on my toes. We are in the two's for sure but even with the stuggles over independence, we still have some great times and I love nothing more than watching him learn and grow more and more each day.

T

Smoke in our eyes

Not a great pic but....Curtis was at his cousin's b'day party and she is very girly. He ended up enjoying the feathered boa and fancy pink microphone a lot. MIL said he looked like a young Elton John!

My throat is dry and I'm finding it hard to breathe. We've been stuck inside for two days because of the smoke. There are something like 80k acres of forest on fire in GA and FL right now and the subtropical storm is blowing the smoke on us. It's so gross feeling and Curtis and I hate being couped up indoors.

Tara

check out my big guy

So we're not 100% sure since it's so early but there is a good chance my hunch was wrong and this one's a boy. We'll be sure at the next ultrasound at 20 weeks but I'll be surprised if it's not a boy because what I saw looked very boy to me and the tech agreed.

He's measuring big by a full week and they may move my due date up. I guess I make big babies, but I have no idea why since Curtis is small now and I've never been big. Otherwise the tech thought it all looked fine and we'll just wait until the MW confirms everything on the 24th.

Life is great!

Tara

PS - No diabetes so far...fingers crossed it stays that way.

Bugs

My son's new obsession is the roley poley. He really loves all bugs and we get these cool books from the library that are really for older children about bugs and their life cycles and such and have a blast looking at all the cool close up pictures. Around here the roley poley is probably these easiest to find bug that doesn't bite. Curtis gets super excited to have one crawl on his hand or arm as you can see in the picture.

Treasure Map

Here is my treasure map. This is organized on a website I frequent. The timing has to do with astrology, which kind of goes over my head, but the point is to make a creative map of all the things you intent for in the next year.

I was drawn to the pic of the penguin and baby and within a few days a friend loaned me a movie called Happy Feet with a bunch of penguins in it. That's my first one!

Tara

Easter family photo

Here we are at church on Easter. Curtis really doesn't like posing for pics but this one turned out ok.

T

Hunting for eggs

My son loves Easter egg hunts. Curt and I joke that they aren't really hunts so much as collections since the eggs are usually just scattered about, but Curtis gets so excited and has so much fun. Over Easter we went to two organized hunts in towns nearby and ended up doing several of our own in our backyard. Curtis had so much fun and was so cute and excited while running around "searching" for eggs. We may have found his favorite holiday yet.

T

still sick

This is so much worse than when preg with Curtis. I swear it must be a girl doing this to me. I try so hard to remain grateful but I'm so sick and tired and not much helps and I feel so guilty because I can't cook for my family like I used to or play with my son like he wants.

Please tell me this doesn't last much longer.

My MW appointment went ok. I have to take the gtt early since I had diabetes last time. I'm very upset and nervous about it. I don't want to take it and fail because I will have to do the stupid diet and finger pricks so much longer. More importantly I will feel like such a failure. My diet sucks right now since I can hardly eat anything besides carbs and meat. I started taking my juice plus again hoping that helps but I really can't wait to get to the part where I am able to eat normal again and not puke half the afternoon/evening away.

On top of that I have a questionable vein in my leg. It came out during the end of my first preg but it's already bad now at 8 weeks. They MW has me wearing compression stocking which are very hot in spring/summer florida weather.

I don't know why or how but I already have a small belly. Guess I didn't get those ab muscles quite as tight as I thought I had. I'm very surprised at how big the belly is this early and I'm busting out of my normal pants at only 8 weeks. I am trying desperately to be mindful and appreciative of every moment of this much wanted pregnancy but this sickness is making that a bit difficult.

I'm sorry to complain so much. I am still super happy and think this will be a perfect baby and even pregnancy. I'm just struggling in several physical and mental (hormonal) areas right now and needed to vent. I'm sure I'll be writing about how great I feel in just a few days!

T

How we met

For some reason I feel compelled to write the story of how I met my husband.

I graduated from college in the winter of 1999. It had been a tough year for me but I still graduated cum laude and was pretty proud of myself for completing school and also making major changes in my life. See that same fall I had been in the hospital for 3 days with a bleeding stomach ulcer brought about by poor diet and drug and alcohol use. After getting out of the hospital I remained partly sober (more on that later) and finished school up while looking for a new place to live. The place I was staying at was with 3 roommates that were not great influences and we were all pretty much going our separate ways anyway.

So I found a roommate who was younger than I was and had an apartment already. She was an ok rommate but we just didn't click really. The building had walls like paper and I could hear way too much from the frat type boys living all around us day and night. I slept with earplugs and planned to figure something else out after graduation.

When I graduated I was working as a waitress of sorts at a greek restaurant. It was PT and helped pay the bills but I did feel like it was time to get a "real" job. I had fallen back onto drug use only twice in the months since my hospital stay and I also felt like working two jobs might keep me so tired and busy that I wouldn't find myself in situations where drugs were available.

So I found out from a friend about a job that was temp grading proficiency tests for high schools across the country. The job was only during the school year and required a college degree so I applied. I can't explain why but I just had an overwhelming feeling that this job would change my life. I assumed that it was going to lead to some great career eventually in the education field.

I passed the interview process and was asked to come aboard the team along with several other 'newbies'. This was a strange job but the hours worked for my night job since we finished at 4pm everyday and it did add extra money to my bank account. We were trained and then sat at desks in a room not unlike a high school classroom. We read essay after essay (since I was on that team with my English degree) and gave grades on a scale of 1-5. The job was monotonous and tedious and every other nice word for boring out there. There were times I would stare at the point on my pencil and seriously consider poking it into my hand in order to get an ambulance ride out of the place. I still had a feeling the whole time I was being trained and began work that there was something about this job that would change my life. It was a powerful feeling that I couldn't ignore but I didn't really do anything about it either.

I do remember the first time I saw my future husband. He was wearing a Nirvana t-shirt and I wondered if he had good taste in music since I was a big nirvana fan all through college (and beyond). A few days after noticing him he came up to me during a break and introduced himself and I was surprised that his name was Curt. I found it ironic since that was also Kurt Cobain's name and I was drawing this Nirvana connection to him at the time. We chatted akwardly that day and off and on for several days further. We exchanged email, addresses and emailed each other samples of our poetry since we learned that we were both big fans of poetry. This came about since he was reading a Charles Olsen book one day and I came up to him to talk about it and he was surprised I even knew who he was. Oh how I wish I had saved those early emails between us and could go back and laugh about how cute they were.

So one week we were behind on our grading and they offered for anyone who wanted extra hours to come in on a Saturday to work. I was working over 50 hours between my two jobs but was still thinking it was best to stay busy and make lots of money so I accepted the extra hours, as did Curt. I would do anything at the time to stay out of my terrible apartment too so it was just more of a reason to take the extra hours. It was that Saturday during our first break of the day that we chatted and he convinced me that we should ditch the rest of the day of work and go out to lunch. I was totally game and we went to my fav deli up the road from the University. I remember getting the Montclair which is a veggie burger and smoking a half a pack of cigarettes since I was so nervous about being out with him.

I was pretty hurt still from a rough break up about 3 months prior to this (a whole other story) so I was very reluctant to have a boyfriend at the time. I was up front with Curt about this and he said he was fine with us just being friends. He tells me now that he did not want to just be friends at the time but the guy is just so polite that he couldn't be mean about it. We took hiking trips with his dog (now our dog Sebastian), went to my favorite Chinese buffet restaurant, and talked on the phone a bunch. Then we finally decided to have a first date. I'm not sure how he convinced me but I was already falling in love with him at the time so I did agree. He came to my crappy apartment with yellow daisy's (he remember me telling him yellow was my fav color) and took me to Ruby Tuesday's for dinner. I am not a girl of fancy tastes so for me Ruby Tuesday's is a pretty nice restaurant if a chain, but still we had some good food and conversation. We couldn't decide what to do next. We were both freshly sober (he several months more that I was at the time) and it's not that easy to be a sober 20-something on a Saturday night. We decided to try a mini golf (putt putt) place but they said it was too late for golf. They were still open for a litte while so we played skee ball (one of my favorites) and some video games. We used our skee ball tickets to get some plastic vampire fangs that I still keep and cherish as a token from our first real date. The rest of the evening is locked into my valt and will not be shared but it was magical and Curt was nothing but a gentleman the whole time.

So it was on March 15, 2000, a little over 7 years ago. Who would have known that we would have lasted this long and on top of it be even stronger and more in love than before? During the next several months Curt helped me to quit smoking, which was something I had tried to do so desperately over and over. He also helped convince me that I didn't need my night job and after quitting it I was so much happier, especially since I had a nice guy to spend the evenings with. Eventually the state in which I was living became impossible and I moved to my own apartment. This was supposed to be great but I spent so much time at his place that I ended up breaking my lease after 6 months and we moved in together. We were happier than ever and eventually decided to move out of town. It was then that I found a link online that lead both of us to our seasonal jobs at Yellowstone Nat. Park. We had an awsome road trip in 2001 and a great experience working out in the park. When our jobs were over we found ourselves here in FL and have been living here happily ever since.

I am not trying to sound cocky but I truly don't know any couples that have as loving and caring a relationship as we do. He is my lover and my best friend and I feel so grateful and happy to have shared so much with him. He is an awesome father to my son and always protective of us both. I pray that we will have many more years together to share our love and friendship.

T

so sick

Things have gone downhill here over the past couple weeks. I've been so tired and so sick and while I'm grateful for these intense signs of pregnancy I'm so exhausted and ready for some normal again. I can't eat much and the things I do eat don't even really taste great. I puke at least once a day and sleep something like 10-12 hours a day total. I remember feeling better by around 10 weeks with Curtis so I guess I only have a few weeks more of this but it feels like forever. I'll be back sometime with a happy I feel better post I'm sure.

Tara

Things are good here in the bathroom

Thanks for all the emails and phone calls of support. I do have some wonderful friends and family in my life and I should shift my focus to them instead of anyone else.

I've got a touch of stomach stuff due to early pregnancy. I'm pretty tired and sick most of the time and crave lemonade and Publix turkey subs all the time. I can hardly eat a vegetable which is kind of frustrating since I was trying to include 7 raw servings of fruits and veggies a day during this preg. I guess I'll just have to pick that back up in a month or so when my belly settles some.

Curtis is officially signed up for preschool starting in August at my church. At first I was so excited but now I'm wondering how it's possible that he is old enough for preschool already. Time flies you know!?!? I know it will be great for both of us and I look forward to him coming home each day and telling me all about it.

Otherwise we're just chilling out here. I told my Yoga/Pilates instructor in confidence that I was preg and she said I could keep taking the class but to go easy on ab work. So I just sit looking like a slacker when they do the pilates for abs so as not to stress my little baby growing in there. I'm hoping that I will have a wonderful happy and healthy pregnancy and childbirth since I have been doing this class for so long now and I'm also eating better than I did while preg with Curtis as well. My AP told me that since I was so healthy and balanced when I got preg that I will probably feel great most of the time. Mentally I feel pretty darn happy and blessed. As soon as this stomach settles I think I'll be pretty wonderful physically too.

Peace,
T

now I feel sick

because of what I see on my tracker (site meter).

I just want this to be over and that is why I decided to write a letter. My therapist recommended it. It was supposed to help me heal and now I'm more upset. I've admitted my mistake by putting it on drop shots. I swear I just can't win in this situation so I now loudy declare that I
GIVE UP!

again with the drama

I just came to make it clear that the letter I wrote yesterday was only for my own healing. I am pretty much 99% sure the person or people addressed do not read this blog. I know this because I have a tracker here. I do not intend for them to read it. I intented for me to heal and get my thoughts out and on paper, so to speak.

It sucks that I can't move on from this. I can't figure out why really. I know it's natural to mourn the loss of a friendship, but I feel I've taken it further than that.

I did recieve an email from someone who was upset with what I had to say. I wanted to address that here and this is the best I can do.

This is my issue and no one elses. I am trying my hardest to heal and doing everything I can to do this.

I really wish I could just never think about it again.

T

positive

Just couldn't end today's post on a negative note....so here you go.

It's impossible for me to feel anything negative while looking at this beautiful scene! Can you believe this was in February?!?!

T

unsent email

So here's the background...you may remember that I was a long time member of a message board where some of the members turned on me at one point in my ttc struggles and I ended up leaving the group on bad terms. It has been a pain that has stuck with me against my better wishes mostly because I feel I didn't get to have my full say and these were people I had grown to be friends with and gone through with them the amazing period of my life where I became a new mom.

So, when I was saddened that several members became preg w/o trying or on the first try one member wrote a nasty comment about me, then deleted it, then posted a non-apology something like, "I'm sorry but that is how I really feel". I was shocked that 5 people emailed me at the time saying that I was being treated wrongly yet no one spoke up online except the women who had no sympathy for me and were...well to be honest...complete bitches. I can see now that those women are bullies who "run" the group and I'm better off w/o them and w/o wishy washy "friends" who can't stand up for what they believe.

The truth is there are one or two of those women whom I do still contact and care about. One of them did speak up for me once during the argument. I am grateful for this but it really was greatly overshawdowed by the nastiness directed at me at the time.

So fast forward to this week. I now have a new group of online women who are supportive in every way and see eye to eye with me on most AP type parenting methods and NFL (natural family living) lifestyles. I was excited to let them know about my pregnancy after 9 months of them listening and caring for me through the journey. I posted a picture of the positive tests on a drop shot account that is meant for family who doesn't live nearby. Most of the pics there are of my son and my family during holidays and vacations.

It turns out this one member who said the super nasty thing and later non-apologized for it has been looking at this site. She took it upon herself to let all of that old group know my news and several of them have nicely emailed me congrats. I believe I am right to be offended that she stole my thunder. In her place I would have emailed her first before announcing this to everyone in the group. I realize that I am at fault for posting the picture for the whole web to see. I really mistakenly believed that only my family members looked there.

So long story short I want to write an email to her, but after discussing it with DH I realize it would do nothing productive. Problem is that I can't let go of this. So I'm posting the message here to get it off my chest, so to speak. I figure the few readers I have will probably ignore this or read through and feel sympathy for me, so I'm not really concerned about who reads this here. It is more important for me to let go of this right now.

Dear J,

I really don't appreciate you posting my recent news to the DD group. I know that I put the picture on my website and made it available to the world, but I honestly didn't think anyone besides family looked there. I am extra surprised that you look there since you made it clear to me 4-5 months ago how you feel about me.

Yes, I am still greatly hurt by your nasty words and contempt for my feelings at a time in my life where I was obviously struggling. True friends feel compassion and sympathy for their friends, but I now know you are much too immature for adult feelings like those. I want to move on and get over this and possibly even forgive you for the pain you and the others involved caused to me. I personally find that the only way for me to not feel the pain is to not have any thoughts or contact involving any of you ever again. This is sad to me and I really wish I was stronger of conviction so I could just let it roll off my back, but I am sensative and emotional and there is nothing wrong with that.

I am writing you to let you know that you hurt me deeply 4-5 months ago and that you have hurt me again just this week by blabbing my news and stealing my thunder (on purpose?). I am asking that you please not have any further contact with me again in the future in any way shape or form. I wish you well in your life and hope that our lives never ever cross again (including in my head).

I am hoping and praying that by getting this off of my chest, I will finally be able to let go of the pain caused when our friendship was severed.

Thank you,
T

it's really true

I've taken a total of 3 of these so far and I keep going in and looking at them.

I'm a little hormonal and I find myself in disbelief and crying over nothing this week.

My life truly is awsome!

stage 2

Something new for me to talk about on this blog.

Yes, it's true.

I finally got a + pregnancy test. I am going to have another baby in November. I'm so happy and excited and a little bit jumbled in my mind right now. I have a couple of symptoms and I'm loving them as they mean I'm pregnant. I feel like this is the prefect timing for us even though I've complained about waiting in the past. I'm itching to tell the world but instead I'm tell my bleaders (blog-readers). I don't know many of you IRL so it's pretty safe. Otherwise we're holding out from telling people until at least 8 weeks. I did tell my mom and DH told MIL.

Please pray for a happy and healthy 9 months and beyond. I'll talk more about this soon I'm sure.

Tara

Recovering

I am recovering from the noro virus I caught. It is going around the area.

Someone one MDC wrote this and it speaks to me. I'm posting it here so I will remember it.

I was starting to doubt my ability to manifest something. I thought it was because maybe I didn't want it...but I realized it was more about feeling worthy or the fear around it.
I asked for more clarity and suddenly started to see the situation very differently than I had been the past few days! How freeing. Now, I am perfectly content regardless of the outcome...so through that clarity I have realized the positive in any outcome which means I am now in the very best place possible to receive

noro virus

Here is Curtis and his house guest Nathan enjoying the water fountain at the zoo last week.

I'm on the second 24 hours of a 48 hour bug called the noro virus. I'm assuming that's what I have since I found out today that it is going around the area and I have all the (nasty) symptoms. It has effected my mental and physical state negatively so I need your thoughts and prayers. I am trying to remain positive but I haven't eaten in days and I'm exhausted and feeling a little sorry for myself. Curt went out today and got me gatoraid and a dvd from blockbuster called "What the bleep?" I've been wanting to see this and it's over 2 hours long so I've been putting it off since I don't like sitting in front of the tv that long, but since I'm sick and can do little besides sit and lie around I figured tonight was the time for me to watch it. I'll let you know what I think.

T

4 Things to know about: Me

4 Things to know about: Me
from Heat

*_4 jobs I've had:
1-Mommy
2-Branch Coordinator at staffing agency
3-Traffic Safety Specialist for AAA
4-Front Desk Supervisor at the Old Faithful Inn

*_4 places I've lived:
1-Altamonte Springs, FL
2-Yellowstone, WY
3-Greensboro, NC
4-Haddon Twp, NJ

*_4 favorite foods:
1-pizza
2-veggie quesadillas
3-good dark chocolate
4-mint chocolate chip ice cream

*_4 favorite TV shows:
1-The Office
2-Gilmore Girls
3-America's Next Top Model
4-Heros

*_4 places I'd rather be right now:
1-bed
2-the Acupuncturist's
3-the chiropractor's
4-the beach

What can I say, my neck and back hurt today and I'm over tired from a long week of site seeing with my friend and her son. I'll be back with pics at a later date.

T

Where is Tara?

I've been neglecting my blog, I'll admit it. I've been thoroughly involved in a rapidly moving thread on MDC about the LOA that keeps me busy for most of my internet time. I have learned so much in such a little time through the Secret and these women that I feel like a different woman than I was just two months ago.

Life is moving on with me. I have acupuncture once a week. I try to get pregnant. I feel gratitude for all I have in life. We live and enjoy each other to the fullest. I am the healthiest I've ever been and I am finally experienceing some peace of mind. My demons are moving further away from me each day and I am living a life that some would dream of.

I'll be back soon with some updates but my best friend is coming to visit soon and I probably won't be back until late next week because we'll be hanging out.

T

MDC Brilliance

This came from a MDC mama and I want to remember it so I'm putting it here for future reference.

Wanting isn't the problem. Needing (fill in the blank) in order to be happy is a problem. Focusing on not having it will block the manifestation. The trick is to want it, and also be happy here and now and to know you are totally fine and happy without it. As in, I really want a boyfriend. And I am having so much fun on my own, that I am fine with this as long as it goes on. When he shows up we will have a great time together, just as I am having a wonderful time, now.Tricky, sometimes, true. But as assignments go, "Be Happy!" is a rather pleasant one, I think.

Valentine's Day

I am so excited for Valentine's day tomorrow. A whole holiday for celebrating LOVE. I have really been having powerful feelings of love lately. I love my family so much. I also love our home and town and weather and the fun we have together. While things in my life have not always gone as I would have wished them to, I realize that I am really lucky and have a really great life.

This crazy little skinny cutie is my favorite Valentine! Check out those abs!

T

First Necklace

I know the pic isn't great but I tried several times and this was the best I could get. This necklace has much significance. The stones were picked for their particular attributes:

Rose Quartz - It emits a calming, cooling energy. Love, beauty, peacefulness, forgiving, lovingness, self-love, emotional balance. Gently soothes and warms heart center. Emotional healing, loss, stress, hurt, fear, low confidence, resentment, anger. Slowly eases childhood traumas/neglect/lack of love, low self-esteem. Good to wear in a chaotic or crisis situation. It is "the stone of gentle love" bringing peace and calm to relationships. It can be used for spiritual attunement to the energy of love. It is a rejuvenating agent for both physical body and the emotions. It is an excellent energy for healing emotional "wounds".

Smoky Quartz - It can be used to gently dissolve negative energies and emotional blockages. Alleviates fear, anxiety, depression. It can be used to initiate a powerful force field which will absorb many forms of negativity, both from within ones self and from other forces. It promotes personal pride and joy in living. Smoky quartz has been used to regulate creativity in business, and to encourage astute-ness in purchasing. It works to diffuse communication deficiencies and to dissolve mental and emotional blockages which limit perception and learning.

I was also planning on including clear quartz but it never made it in. I made this necklace today on the first day of my new menstrual cycle. I made it with fertility and my future child in my mind and heart as I carefully lined the stones up. I made sure that there are two smoky quartz stones on each side of the pendant signifying the 4 people that will be in the loving unit of my family. The pendant is a rose quartz rabbit. In Ancient Chinese Medicine the rabbit symbolizes fertility. I am pleased with the results and will wear this necklace and feel it's healing qualities as I embark on my next cycle. I am blessing it and thanking mother nature for providing the health and fertility that will come to me through these gemstones.

T

Superbowl etc.

Isn't he the cutest bookworm you've ever seen?

The game was exciting last night. I was pulling for the Colts mostly because I like Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning. Otherwise I really didn't care too much which is nice as it makes for a pretty relaxing superbowl. I was very emotional yesterday and went all out for Superbowl food for the three of us. We had meatballs (well, Curt did), shrimp, spinach dip and pita chips, and strawberry shortcake I made myself.

The garage sale went as well as possible considering it rained both days and had thunder and lightening on Saturday. The weather has been rough on us Central Floridians again but I am lucky to say my family and I are all safe and fine. I do really wish my warm Florida sun would peek out again soon though. So we made about $75 and I got rid of a bunch more clutter by having the garage sale. I ended up donating any toys that didn't sell to a family I learned of who did lose their home and belongs in the storms. The specifically asked for toys for their kids so it worked out nicely that I was able to donate those that didn't sell. Otherwise a few things are going in the attic and two boxes will be donated to the church.

I went to Joann's looking for some specific gemstones this weekend and didn't find what I wanted. So today after Yoga I went to a little Bead shop I had heard of and found what I wanted. The prices seemed high and the lady was less than friendly, but the beads were just what I wanted and very pretty so I splurged and bought them. I'll try to get back to Joann's (with my coupon) for some wire and other do-dads so I can start on the necklace I have envisioned ASAP. I'll post pics when possible.


T

zzzzzzzzz

Well, I've been up since 4:30 ish this morning. We had some really wicked stroms come through our wonderful state this morning (what's new). It was so loud and I couldn't fall back asleep but luckily Curtis slept right through it. It's also lucky that we had no damage as I've seen online that some people lost homes and some even died in parts of the state.

This morning we had our garage sale and made over $50 already. If I can make that much again tomorrow I'll be super happy. I can't believe I made that much off of stuff I was gonna just donate to Goodwill.

Now I must go catch a short nap. I'm so sleepy.

T

good song and list

So hi, how are you? Me I'm good. I just foud a link on youtube to this song that they play in my yoga class. The truth is it isn't yoga. At Lifestyle Family Fitness the class is called Body Flow which has tai chi, yoga and pilates all in one hour class. Anyway, someone in an MDC group mentioned the LOA qualities of this song so I looked it up and low and behold it is one of my fav song from the class. Very uplifting and rather dancy. Nothing like what I usually listen too but it's good and reminds me of feeling good so who am I to deny it. Check it out... go to youtube and search for Natasha Bedingfield's song Unwritten.

So as it plays in the beackground I will tell you about last night. I had some pinching type cramping in bed last night and realized that at 7 or 8 dpo that it could me my baby implanting. So I held my belly and prayed and talked to my little will be baby and drifted to sleep. I had a dream that incorporated a reoccuring dream I have. I have this dream about being in high school and not being able to find my locker or finding it and not knowing the combination. LAst night I had to go back to high school even though I was my age now (31). So I went to high school and had a big jacket with two big pockets on it. In one pcoket was my son and in the other was a little baby girl. They were close in size even though I knew one was Curtis and the other was my daughter in the dream. I had to drop them off at a daycare in the high school and they had fallen asleep in my big pockets. I handed them over to the daycare worker and she put them in a crib together and I felt sad that I had to leave them to take some high school class even though I had already graduated.

Today I am grateful for the love my son shows me with hugs and kisses and laughs and smiles. I am also grateful for the fun loving care my DH gives me every day. I am also grateful for this beautiful bright house in a wonderful sunny state. I am also grateful for my dog whom I love and trust so much. In fact, I'm going to go cuddle her right now.

T

view the secret

http://www.universallawstoday.com/secret.html
Not sure for how long but aparently you can see it at that site for free. I highly recommend that you view it if you are open to the ideas of positive thinking and the law of attraction. It may change your life like it has mine.

today's lists

gratitude
I am grateful for a loving and caring and supportive DH.
I am grateful that I get to stay home with my DS and experience all of his excitment in learning each day.
I am grateful that I have friends at the gym who enjoy working out as much as I do and can caht with me effortlessly while we're there.
I am grateful for the new pineapple sage plant I bought today.
I am grateful for the rose quartz a little girl gave me today at church.
I am grateful for my own strength and ability to stay faithful and positive.
I am gratefrul for my love of learning.

order from the Universe
I am enjoying a wonderfully fulfilling and healthy pregnancy.
I am eating a healthy and balanced diet with my family.
I am spending lots of time having fun and laughing with my family.
I am finding lots of time to study feng shui.
I am meeting new people and making new friends easily.
I am communicating with those around me effortlessly and without issue.
I am living life to the fullest everyday.
I have found happiness.

T

pain

The pain I have felt over the past several months from losing my dec 04 group online has stuck with me no matter what I have done. I have tried tonight to figure out why. I believe it reminds me of all the pain I've felt from so called "friends" hurting me over my life time. I specifically remember a group of girls in Junior High who made a big point of not including me in a new year's celebration and also tried very badly to keep it a secret. I also remember a college friend ditching me for another and then laughing and pointing out a physical flaw I have. Now I had these people kicking me when I was down and the truth is while I spend all of this time thinking of them I feel pretty sure not one of them thinks of me at all, good or bad.

The pain of these three and other painful "friendships" has hurt me deeply and I don't believe I ever once recieved a sincere apology from any one of the "friends" even though I know I deserved it from all of them. Deep down I crave the sincere apology but mostly I just want to stop thinking about this pain. I am better off w/o these people in my life. I am on the path to greatness and when I was in this specific group all it did was bring me down.

It is a dead weight lifted from my life causing me to float upwards to new heights. I am better and will just continue to get better day in and day out. I don't need to worry or give even an inch of thought to them any more after this post. I am living my life for the present and right now my present is great. I love my cute and smart and exciting son. I have a loving and caring and fun husband who will always be there for me and never hurt me. I am intelligent and have the freedom to follow any pursuit of knowledge I choose. I live in an beautiful and bright house in a wonderful town. I am strong mentally and physically and the healthiest I have ever been. I am making new and caring friends in real life all of the time. I have everything I need right here and don't feel the need to search online for a "connection". I am complete just as I am and I will continue to grow is positive ways day after day.

I am OK now.

Tara

PS

Curtis and his cousin Halle in the tub. She is 6 months younger but the same size as him. He was brushing her hair when this pic was taken. Extra cute!!!

Friday

Well, I had my second acu appointment yesterday. It went quite well and I woke up feeling great this morning. I woke before Curtis and lay there feeling how great the bed felt and how great I felt physically. When we did finally get up I just had a really happy attitude w/o trying for once. We tried a free music class this morning and Curtis is still not into sitting around singing songs. I had that in the back of my mind and only went because it was at the library which is next to a park. So we ended up playing in the library a little and then at the park with another friend and her two daycare boys, which was lots of fun. It's super cold here (50's) but the sun has finally decided to come out and play again so it wasn't too bad.

Since it's Friday I'll be watching The Secret again tonight. I've planned to watch it every Friday for a while to see how my understanding grows with each viewing. Last Friday I took notes and I've been reading them over before bed each night to help keep the practice in the front of my mind. I am still struggling with giving up the pain I feel from a certain couple of people but I am not focusing on that and am more in the present from now on. I do feel great now and I do feel like I am on the path to everything I want. Here are my affirmations as of today:

• I am pregnant this summer.
• I am enjoying a healthy and well balanced diet with my family.
• I am spending lots of time having fun with my family.
• I am working towards a future career in a field that I love which helps other people.
• I am enjoying easy and comfortable relationships with all of those around me at all times.

Thanks,
Tara

acupuncture

I went for my first session of acupuncture yesterday. The AP was really wonderful with me and diagnosed me with a kidney difficiency. My kidney's are laking chi which feeds the chi circulating in my heart. My symptoms seems to reflect all of the extra chi in my heart region. She did the acupuncture and loaned me a book call The Infertility Cure which is all about using Traditional Chinese Medicine for increased fertility. It seems like acupuncture is sort of a feng shui of the body so all of my feng shui research has come in handy when trying to sort through all of the TCM and acupuncture stuff. I am really hopful and excited about using this women and my new knowledge to get myself as healthy as possible before getting pregnant again. I am already feeling the positive effects of the feng shui and my practice of the Law of Attraction. If you are local to the Orlando area and want a good AP check out this link http://harmonywellnesscenter.com/

T

Fani is back!!!

I'm totally freaking out right now. If you remember my cat was missing. It was 11 days ago that we let her out and she didn't come back. Well, I've been doing great with my positive visualizations and my feng shuing my house and have been feeling great until this afternoon. Things started to get me down and (long story short) I broke down crying while washing the dishes. DH and DS were there so I walked away from the sink to the bedroom. I sat on the bed crying and I heard DS saying "Meow, Meow, Meow." Then DH came into the bedroom with my cat saying "You're not going to believe this." How did she know to show up at the door at that exact moment?

A long time ago she went missing for 3 days just when DH and I were having relationship problems (he wasn't DH then). It was the same then too. I was crying and DH was in the living room and he came in with her saying she just showed up at the door. Ever since then our relationship has been so strong.

I can't help but think this is a sign. It was seriously like something out of a movie that I would watch and comment on how unrealistic it is. I am so glad to have my Fani-cat back! She has helped me in ways she will never realize! I really feel that this happened to show me that it will all be ok.


T

secret

Over the past few days there has been much to blog about yet little time to blog it. So I will touch on a few subjects today.

First off check out my son with his girlfriend CeCe. She is a month younger than he is and a twin to brother Nick. They play 4-5 days a week together in the gym daycare and they really like each other. Nick is more of a loner, but CeCe and Curtis love chasing each other all over the place.

Second, I am super bummed that my Eagles lost this past weekend. Our defense really couldn't hold the Saints and they just looked plain tired by the last few plays. I really think we should have won that game. The turnover in the 4th lead to our offense having a good chance to tie and a little chance to win but alas, they were unable to make it happen. I am still happy with how far we got after such a tough season with many injuries. Unfortunately 2 of the 3 other teams I picked lost too. Good thing I'm not a betting woman.

Third, I recently recieved a copy of the movie The Secret from an online friend. I've watched it once and plan to watch it a few more times and to take notes. It's pretty amazing. I have incorporated many of the ideas into my life slowly over the last week and have already noticed a shift in my life. Combined with my intense feng shui practice (which has just recently picked up big time) my home and life are really feeling much brighter and hopeful and grateful. Please check out these two links. http://www.thesecret.tv and http://youtube.com/watch?v=QmtRVL7BfJE&mode=related&search= . The first is a site about the movie and the second is a little daily affirmation clip from youtube that was made by The Secret. I really recommend looking into this if you are interested in changing the way you feel mentally and physically. The basis is basically that like energy attracts like energy. Since everything is made of energy we can use this Law of Attration (LOA) to attract things to our lives. I've seen it work for me on a small scale and with time I believe it will work in all aspects of my life.

Fourth, is the feng shui. I'm so into this. I got a book called Western Guide to Feng Shui by Terah something-or-other (sorry I don't remember her last name) and I'm working in each room of my house now. I spent the first 2 weeks of the year working on my entire house in the bagua and now I'm am going room by room and enhancing the chi as best as I can. I swear I already feel like the house is more positive and brighter. We had some definite issues that I cleared up right away and since I'm here a lot of the time being a SAHM, it only makes sense to make this a wonderful and comfortable place to be and enhance my chi.

Fifth, is that I'm getting accupuncture Thursday. I've been toying with the idea for a while. Some of the cons were the price and my inability to find an AP that I was able to work with in a comfortable way. I decided after spending last week gather info to make my final decision yesterday. I had quotes and plans from 3 out of 4 AP's I had contacted. When I came here to check my email that morning there was an online newsletter from an AP I hadn't thought of. I had met her 1 1/2 years ago at the Orlando Veg Fest and she has been sending periodic newsletters to me. So it seemed to be a bit of syncronicity that the email came on that morning. Long story short, after several emails I had an appointment for a cheaper price with a women that I felt really comfortable with and excited about. I can't wait to meet her Thursday but right now I have to go fill out all the paperwork she sent me.

Thanks for reading,

T

need to post

I was checking the blogs I regularly read and was frustrated that they had no new posts. Then I realized that I had not been here in a while so I'm here now. DS is taking an extra long nap today for who knows what reason and I feel the need to post. I am going to try to keep the info here positive. While I am in fact in a rather low point in my life, I was looking back last night and realized that these low points are really cyclical. So that should mean that I will be on an upswing soon. Notice I say 'should'. No one knows really and most of the things upsetting me right now are things I have very little control over sooooooo...

DH is out of town again this week. He called last night with good news. He had dinner with a big wig who in sense told him to not get comfortable in his new position as he extepted him to be promoted again by the summer. Apparently there is a lot of talk about him in the company and they are grooming him for something. This something could in fact mean we move to Raleigh. There is no way to know for sure and the idea of a move to Raleigh seems exciting and scary all at once to me. Right now I'm keeping a 'cross that bridge when we come to it' attitude. I'm mostly just proud that my hardworking DH is finally getting props for his work. He's been a great employee his whole life and it seems that someone is finally recognizing that.

I took Curtis to the zoo this morning. He was a little weird and it seems like his personality is changing right now. He used to love going out and being around people but lately he has been much happier here at home. When we are out he gets clingy and whiney and when we're home he is super cool and cute and smart for the most part. He is a parrot right now repeating everything I say and he is doing the sign language I taught him often. He feels sympathy and kisses my booboos and the other day when I was crying he came up to me and gave me a big hug before he burst into tears of sympathy. He is truly the best thing in my life and the three of us together as a family makes me feel so lucky. I am learning through infertility that I was super lucky to get preg with him so quickly and that he is a real miracle.

Check out this link to a Nova program that will show you just how special each child is and how random and rare it is to get preg. I know a lot of people who got preg first try or without trying because they feel free to speak openly about. Now I am discovering that there are just as many women who have struggled to get preg but these women do not speak openly about their journey. We as women tie our value as women with our ability to get pregnant and give birth and we feel ashamed to admit that we are unable to achieve these. I know women who had c-sections who feel just as ashamed and defeated because they feel they failed at birthing their child. I am trying to work in my mind on realizing that my fertility is only marginally in my control and that it does not equat my value as a human. This is proving rather difficult since my subconscious seems to think I am a failure since I cannot achieve this pregnancy that I so want. It honestly breaks my heart a little each time I even say that out loud. So much for staying positive, huh?

http://www-c.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/miracle/program.html

T

hmmmmmm

My cat hasn't come home in 4 days.

I got my period today.

I am really low and heart broken due to both of these things. My cat didn't have her collar on because it had broken a week or two before she went missing. I can't understand why I'm not pregnant and my heart is so broken with the thought that I may never have another child.

Please pray for us.

T

PS - The good news is Florida won last night but honestly, who really cares about that right now.

27 in 2007

27. Get pregnant.
26. Knit most of the Christmas gifts this year.
25. Spend less time on the computer.
24. Be less picky with DH.
25. Be more romantic.
24. Keep a cleaner house.
23. Declutter completely (own only what I use or love).
22. Learn Spanish.
21. Commit to Yoga practice.
20. Tell my friends that I care about them.
19. Don't allow people to invalidate my feelings and beliefs.
18. Stop obsessing over pain from the December Darlings.
17. Give people a break when the mess up.
16. Go to church even when I don't feel like it.
15. Do the devotional study every week.
14. Read the Bible.
13. Feng Shui the house and yard.
12. Write more poetry.
11. Revise my novel.
10. Read more poetry.
9. Build a vegetable garden.
8. Take one small trip somewhere just for fun.
7. Be less pessimistic and negative.
6. Be more optimistic.
5. Be less fatalistic.
4. Believe in miracles.
3. Want what God wants.
2. Be more forgiving.
1. Spend more time laughing with Curt and Curtis.

2007 is a year to knit!

So a while back I promised to tell you all about my new adventures in knitting. It all started on MDC (mothering.com) where I chatted lightly with another woman about my learning to knit. It turned out that she lives just 3 miles from me. It was a nice surprise to meet someone on a worldwide board from right here. On top of that she was a knitter and offered to give me a lesson. I've been wanting to learn to knit for a while. I am a pretty good crocheter but I was ready to graduate from the hook to the needles.

We met at Borders and ended up talking for four hours w/o picking up the needles once. Our husband's were worried we'd been kidnapped because we totally lost track of time. A few days later she came to my house and started me out on a drop stitch scarf project. I'd tried to learn before with books and videos but always ended up frustrated. Having her here to help me was great and in no time I was knitting away. Since then I have finished that scarf, another simple garter stich scarf, and these juggling balls.

While at that same Borders (one of my fav places) I saw a Juggling For Dummies book with two juggling bean bags on sale for $3.99. I almost bought it as a Christmas present for DH but then decided to see if I could make some myself. After several failed attempts on the sewing machine I randomly decided to google a knit juggling ball pattern and found a very easy one. It was a mad rush to get these done the week before Christmas but I finished them in the nick of time on the afternoon before Christmas. I filled them black eyed peas for new year luck.

Curt has juggled with them a few times and Curtis loves watching him juggle. I would probably make a few changes if I made them again. The pattern called to cast on 10 stiches and knit for 6 inches. I think they are a little big and might shorten those a few next time (if there is a next time). Also the black eyed peas might be a touch heavy but if the bags were smaller this might not be a problem. All in all, I'm calling it a successful 3rd ever knit project.

Today I bought some yarn on sale at Joann's and I've started on a new project. I am free form knitting a sort of runner to go on my cedar chest between the chest and the new TV that is now on it. I'm knitting strips in different colors and patterns and lengths and I'm going to sew these together to make a abstract looking runner. I have a vision in my mind's eye and we'll just have to see how that turns out.

T

Resolutions

I have been reading a bunch on feng shui and I have made my resolution to declutter my life. Most of what I read gets complicated but it all begins with getting rid of clutter. So that is where I have begun. I have already done a ton and my closet looks so clean and organized. Today I brought a ton of stuff to good will and I've been freecycling a bunch of the better stuff too. It feels great.

We ordered a new TV and it comes delivered tomorrow. We rearranged our front room (living room) and we are making the back room a play room now. I can't wait to have the whole thing done but it will take a while as we need curtains and little details like that to take care of still. We really never use that front room and it will be nice to go in there after Curtis is in bed and be in a room that isn't full of toys.

We also got a new all-in-one printer today so that is why you get to see this great pic today.

More adventures later. It is already 11:00pm and I'm usually in bed asleep by now.

T

Merry Christmas

Still no pics because we still are working on getting the printer fixed or another alternative. I can say that I got almost everything I wanted this year.

First my son was so happy with his train table. We both have started with colds again (the third time this year) today. It sucks to be sick but he really loved his gift so I'm sure once he's well he'll only love it more.

Second, the Eagles just beat the cowboys. I soooooo enjoyed watching T.O. dropped two passes. Everyone counted us out but we're still in it big time.

So all that is left is a baby. I got a + OPK yesterday and today and all signs point to being fertile. We've been doing our part so the rest is up to God and mother nature. I did sort of promise to name a boy Lito after Lito Shephard if the Eagles won so if we are preg this time and it is a boy I might have to name him Lito!

Just Kidding!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to any of my bleaders!

T

100th Post

This is my 100th post!!!

Can I just say how happy I am that the Eagles won. If you know me, you know I'm an Eagles fan, and if you know Eagles fans, then you know the only thing they hate more than the cowboys and T.O. are the Giants. It was a nail biter, but we won. I dressed my son in his jersey today and went to the gym. I was sure to walk right by the GM who is a big Giants fan and smiled big!

On another note, Curtis is talking like crazy now. He forms 2-3 word sentences and repeats big words. He talks and talks and I'm truly present with him while we "discuss" the topics of his interest. It happened just like people say, all of a sudden. Within the last 3 weeks he has had a major verbal leap and I am amazed by him. Since ttc I have realized what a blessing he is and now I swear I cry daily with love for him. He is so awsome and I am so lucky to be his mommy.

T

Christmas meme

Christmas meme
1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Hot chocolate
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Wraps ‘em
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? white
4. Do you hang mistletoe? No
5. When do you put your decorations up? After my son's birthday on dec 7th because I want to try to separate his b'day from the holiday
6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? cranberry jelly from a can
7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? I got a polaroid camera one year and that was cool, otherwise I don't have a ton
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I have no idea
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? I did as a child but not any more
10. What kind of cookies does Santa get set out for him? butter cookie press cookies
11. Snow! Love it or dread it? neither, I live in Florida, thank God!
12. Can you ice skate? I have been a few times
13. Do you remember your favorite gift? My son was born on Dec 7th 2004 and was a great early Christmas present
14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? spending time with my husband and son
15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? cookies
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? cookie press cookies
17. What tops your tree? a snowman decoration I got at the dollar store because I have still not found anything I like to go up there
18. Which do you prefer Giving or Receiving? giving
19. What is your favorite Christmas Carol? jingles bells because I sang this to my son a lot when he was 3 weeks old for his first Christmas and it always makes me remember that time
20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum? They're ok

bad week

It's been a rough week for the Fisher family. I got my period on Tuesday after it teased me being 2 days late. I knew I wasn't preg but the 2 day tease sure did suck. On top of it all we are all still sick with this terrible cold. So all week I've been pretty much stuck at home so as not to spread our germs. We aren't allowed at the gym in this sick state and I miss it dearly.

All of this time spent here is boring and makes me think too much. I have been thinking about my old message board a lot and they're not good thoughts either. I keep remembering hurtful things said to me and I keep having conversations with the people who said them over and over in my head. I'm wondering if I should write some letters to these people so I can have my say and then just not mail them. I've heard of this as a therapy before. I'll ask my therapist on monday if she thinks it's a good idea. I just feel super hurt and feel like certain people are off enjoying their wonderful lives and basically laughing at me every month that I don't get preg. I cry and wonder why they deserve to get preg easily and I don't.

I also just desperately want them to know how painful it is to ttc and not get preg. I feel like certain people don't have a clue and they said things to me about me being "too upset" about it. It makes me mad because they were judging me on something very painful that they have never experienced. I expect my friends to care for me when I'm down, not judge me. I know some about this because I never understood infertility until now. Before I kind of shrugged off the discussions about infertility and now I see just how hurtful that can be. When you are ttc it becomes all consuming and it changes the person that you are. I don't want it to and I don't want to admit that it has, but that is just the truth. I have tried to distract myself with writing a novel and learning to knit but it is still in the back of my mind at all times. I want the world to know how painful it is and I want compassion not judgment. I am super hurt that these people whom I knew and called friends for over two years have decided to judge me as opposed to giving me compassion.

Of course this is only true for a handful of the people on the group but those are the "rulers" of the group and no one else seemed to want to speak up on my behalf. I did get a few comments of support but mostly people only felt comfortable emailing me and not saying it "out loud" on the board. I am happy to be off the board and I have found out how obsessed I was with reading long "dear diary" posts written by people whom I don't respect at all. See it's not that I don't get along with people I disagree with, it's that I don't get along with people that I don't respect. I can't respect immaturity and materialism and people who are forever playing the vicitm. I tried to write to the group with my opinions and was forever berated and judged. It is a good thing that I am no longer internet friends with these people, so tell me why do I think of them so often and why do I have so many unresolved issues with them?

I had these thoughts on my mind all week and probably even longer than that, but when I'm stuck here sick and not pregnant at home it is harder to avoid them.

On another subject...my printer is broken and I use it to upload pics from my camera so you won't be seeing any pics from Curtis' b'day or of my first knit project until I go buy a new one. We have a babysitter and a half day date tomorrow so maybe we'll swing by compusa and get one. I finished my first knit scarf and I'd love to tell you all about how I learned to knit from my new friend Greenegirl. More on this another time.

T

sick

I woke up this morning with a sore throat and runny nose. I feel yucky. We skipped church and Curt took Curtis to the park so I could rest. I can't stop blowing my nose which is such a drag and I've already had 3 cups of hot tea with honey this AM.

Yesterday we had Curtis' b'day party. It went well. I was slightly disappointed that several people who RSVP'd didn't show up. I have a ton of goodie bag stuff for those kids and I'm going to donate some (hot wheels) too toys for tots and save a few for Curtis stocking. The kids who did show up had fun playing and everyone decorated a cupcake and there was even enough to take one home.

I am now feeling sad that several of my "friends" whom I met when Curtis was a baby did not take the time to either RSVP or come out to his party. This group of women mostly live on the other side of town and I have gone out of my way and messed up Curtis' nap schedule on several occasions in order to go to one of their b'day parties and yet it seems they don't think Curtis and I are worth driving out for. I got a call this morning from one such mommy friend who claimed to not ever get the invite and just got my email about rsvping today. I hate to be cynical but I want to call her a liar. On top of it all she acted like she didn't know when the party was after telling me she had just had a phone conversation with one of the moms who did come. I imagine that they talked about the party and the whole things seems so superficial and sad to me. I can't help but feel a little hurt. I guess I have learned my lesson and I won't go out of my way for everyone anymore. I've always made special accomadations for the kid's b'days because they are special but I guess I need to look out for #1 more now-a-days.

The party wouldn't have been complete without a conflict between my MIL and myself either. As I'm trying to chat with a guest she is shooting a ton of video on a camcorder and I see her over there waving for me to move. I took one step over while trying to maintain my conversation as she waves more. So I looked at her and said "I don't really want to be directed, I'm trying to enjoy the party." She looked all pissed and told me not to look at the camera. Curt stood up for me slightly and agreed but didn't really say anything to his mom (as usual). And of course she acted all hurt for a while and I walked around feeling like a b*tch when the truth is it was her prob. She always get so overdramatic and desperate during b'days and holidays and it drives me nuts. Why do we need 3 hours of video of Curtis' b'day? I'm never going to look at that much.

Oh well.

Tara

carriage jam

I'm very frustrated with my printer right now. It keeps saying carriage jam and I swear I've opened every little door and fiddle with things and plugged and unplugged it over and over. I am trying to print out a cute little picture I made to paste onto brown bags that will be filled with goodies for the guests of Curtis' party this weekend.

Yes, my little boy turned 2 yesterday. The picture above was taken the morning of his b'day in our front yard and I thought he looked super cute sitting there with our dog Sebastian. We went to a place called Crazy Monkey in the mall which is basically like a Japanese version of Chuck E Cheese. It was fun and Curtis played with his Paw Paw a lot. Then last night we had spaghetti, his favorite dinner, and then went to carvel for ice cream. We're having cupcakes at his party so I didn't want to make a cake too.

So at his 2 year PED appointment today most of my worries about his eating and weight were pacified. He went from the 3rd percentile in weight at his 18 month visit to the 10th percentile at this visit, so the truth is he's doing fine. She said it is very common for kids his age to eat nothing one day and lots the next. Since I know he is fine now I won't worry so much when he has a day of fod strikes, as they call it. He does have one issue in that his soft spot in his head has not closed yet. It is supposed to be closed by 2 years but the PED thinks since he is actually the size of a 20 month old that it will probably close in the next few months. If it doesn't we will need to get x-rays and look into it but she seemed pretty optimistic that it would most likely close on it's own.

So my little boy is healthy. He got several gifts yesterday and his favorite was a puzzle that was fish with magnets on them and it came with a fishing rod that used a magnet to pick up the fish puzzle peices. He makes the sign for fish and says blub blub blub while playing with it and he is super cute.

I am now trying to prepare for the 14 kids and 18 adults whom have RSVP'd for his party tomorrow. I had no idea so many people would want to/be able to come and I am trying to hand make goodie bags from brown lunch bags. I had planned to use my printer, but of course it has farted out on me just when I needed it. I do have puffy paint and foam and stuff so I am off to figure something out with those items. Wish me luck tomorrow

T

please eat something already

I'm having a rough morning. Curtis has started getting really bad about not eating and I know when I see the PED on Friday they will tell me the same things they always do about "keep trying" and "he'll eat when he's hungry" etc etc. I know there is nothing they can do but he has gotten so bad and I worry about it. I began wondering if he had a better mommy maybe he wouldn't be this way. Then I wondered if I should even try for another child when I can't even take care of the one I have properly. I love him so much and I don't mind him being a little picky but we have reached an all time pickiest recently. I bumped into some old friends at the gym and we all went to McD's for lunch afterwards today. While their kids sat nicely in highchairs eating chicken nuggets and apple slices Curtis ran around wildly pulling down Christmas decorations and refusing to eat even a french fry. I left feeling so discouraged.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night and worried about his b'day party for an hour or two. I didn't even think about balloons and decorations and I guess we'll need those too. I'm afraid I'm going to forget something and have many lists all over then house. Then when I did fall asleep I had a really disturbing dream about my period and woke up to cramps so I guess it will be coming again soon. I didn't expect anything else but it's still a little discouraging.

So I guess I should stop giving you my bad attitude and go do something productive. I made a double batch of Martha's ice box butter cookies and sent some into Curt's work. He emailed that they are a hit and Curtis likes them a lot too. It's one of the only things he will eat anymore. He spits the raisins out of the oatmeal cookies now. ugh

T

happy family

Here is a picture taken of us at the Winter Park, FL fall festival on 10/28/06. I am sending a few copies out in some Christmas cards so I figured I'd post it here for you guys to see too. We've gone to this festival two years in a row now and I'm deciding to make it a family traditon. It's loads of fun and they offer these free photos there along with candy and other treats. Whole foods comes and gives out fruit leather and apples and the fire department brings a truck for the kids to see. They also have a tiny pumpkin patch of tiny pumkins and every kid gets to pick one out to take home. It's really a great time for all of us.

This weekend the area called Wekiva is holding a winter festival. We don't live in Wekiva but we are as close as a house can get without being in the limits. The place is great but I'm glad not to have an HOA. I took Curtis last year and it's great because they have Santa there and they let you take your own pics of your kid on Santas lap. So no overpriced mall Santa for us this year.

T

easy recipe

It's been a while since we had a food post so here goes. My friend Teri gave me this easy recipe about a year ago and I make it often. As you can see, even my picky eater son likes them. All you do is mix one can of pumpkin puree (not pumpkin pie filling) with one box of chocolate super moist cake mix (lots of time Publix has this on sale B1G1 and you can find lots of coupons for these too). Don't prepare the cake mix, just stir it up with the pumpkin. It will be thick and sticky. You can put it in a bundt pan but I usually put it in muffin cups and come out with anywhere from 10-12 "muffins". Bake it for about 30 minutes for muffins at the temp suggested on the cake mix box. They are more like a brownie really and you can only taste a hint of pumpkin. If I have cool whip or ice cream on hand I will sometimes serve them with that, but they are good just plain too. Teri told me they are a weight watchers recipe and if you look at the box and can you will see that they are basically fat free and full of beta carotene. Not exactly a health food but with my son I take what I can get now-a-days. Plus they are not only low in fat but they are super inexpensive. Since we get 10-12 I usually freeze half a batch and they come out of the freezer great.

T

That's right

I did it. I wrote a novel. Revision time is in a few months because I need a writing break.

T

Go Magic!!!

Here is a picture of the Chapel de La Leche in St Augustine. We had a great trip two weeks ago and I recomend anyone to go if they have a chance. It is very serene and they have some beautiful sculptures in the garden there. You can buy church related stuff in the gift shop and I bought a couple of prayer cards that I find helpful.



We were offered free Magic tickets tonight but couldn't get a babysitter and the game isn't even on regular TV (we don't have cable). I'm bummed. I love going to NBA games and would have loved to watch them face the Hawks tonight. I have a not-so-secret crush on Dwight Howard, the Magic's center. He's only 20 but he is very nice looking and super talented. He's got some biceps on him to die for. Anyway I've always loved watching NBA basketball since I was a kid. I have these old scrapbooks I used to make as a pre-teen with all the newspaper clippings from the Philadelphia Inquirer of the Sixers articles taped into them. I was a big Charles Barkley fan and still love the Sixers, but since we're here in O'town now and get to go to some games, the Magic are my new #2 team.





Oh and well, you can also add Dwayne Wade to my list of NBA player crushes. That guy is super fine too. I daydream about bumping into him at a restaurant or something sometimes. He seems so cool in a super handsome way.





Anyway, there is my random rant about basketball. I have very little to say now-a-days and I'm just feeling a little bummed that we didn't get to take advantage of the free tickets tonight. My super sweet husband told me to just go with a friend but I have already had two night's out this week and felt badly leaving him here alone again. We're going to try to get tickets to a game next month and have MIL babysit. Our new plan is to do a date night once a month and she is always happy to babysit so we figured we'd do a Magic game for next month.





blah blah blah I know my blog has been boring lately. If you have a suggestion for something you want me to write about, just let me know.





T

one word from Frog

One-word meme
1. Yourself: desperate
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband: strong
3. Your hair: brown
4. Your mother/stepmother: lonely
5. Your dog: old
6. Your favorite item: book
7. Your dream last night: scary
8. Your favorite drink: tea
9. Your dream car: subaru
10. The room you are in: warm
11. Your fear: failure
12. What do you want to be in 10 years? published
13. Who you hung out with last night: family
14. What you're not: rude
15. Muffin: cranberry
16. Catalog: recycle
17. One of your wish list items: success
18. Time: hurts
19. The last thing you did: wrote
20. What are you wearing? blue
21. Your favorite weather: spring
22. Your favorite book: good
23. The last thing you ate: cocoa
24. Your life: ok
25. Your mood: trying
26. Your best friend: accepting
27. What are you thinking about right now? sadness
28. Your car: tan
29. What are you doing at the moment? typing
30. Your summer: hot
31. Your relationship status: perfect
32. What is on your tv right now? nothing
33. What is the weather like? cold
34. When was the last time you laughed? recently

comments

Thanks for all of the comments you guys. I know I sound like I'm giving up but that is the only way for me to survive the holidays right now. This is a tough time of year and I won't go into the reasons in case I offend a reader, but I'm struggling with bad memories from my past right now. I don't need added stress and disappointment of trying so hard for something and not getting it. I am not spoiled I swear. You can only understand if you've been throught this. I never understood what people were talking about before because Curtis came so easily for us. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won't. The fact is that being optimistic did nothing but make the pain worse so I really do feel like pessimism will help me. I really think we have a very slim shot so if it does happen I will be happily surprised, but if it doesn't I won't be excuriciatingly let down. I hope that makes sense.

I have got to go write or I'll get behind. I'm on schedule to finish my novel this week!!!

T

from Frog

[A is for age:] 31
[B is for beer of choice:] ichiban
[C is for career:] Mommy
[D is for favorite Drink] hot tea
[E is for essential item you use everyday:] toothpaste?
[F is for favorite song at the moment:] smilin' face by gnarls barkley
[G is for favorite game:] trivial pursuit
[H is for hometown:] Altamonte Springs
[I is for instruments you play:] drums, saxaphone, keyboard, some others I don't own now
[J is for favorite juice:] cranberry
[K is for kids?:] Curtis the fourth
[L is for last kiss?:] on my sons forhead while he cried from falling down
[M is for marriage:] 9/14/02
[N is for full name:] Tara Lynn Ann Lopez Fisher
[O is for overnight hospital stays:] I was born, I had a bleeding stomach ulcer, I gave birth
[P is for phobias:] elevators, planes, large crowds, snakes, etc etc (I could go on all day)
[Q is for quote:] “It's hard enough losing without the confusion of knowing I tired.” Neil Young
[R is for biggest regret:] giving myself to others too freely at a young age
[S is for sports:] is running a sport? or yoga? I love the Orlando Magic!!!
[T is for time you wake up:] 7:30 ish.
[U is for color underwear:] tan today.
[V is for vegetable you love:] green things like bell peppers and spinach.
[W is for worst habit:] ask my husband, I'm sure he'll tell you
[X is for x-rays you've had:] teeth and arm
[Y is for yummy food you make:] everything I make is yummy
[Z is for zodiac sign:] virgo on the cusp of libra

hello

I know I haven't been around much recently and the truth is you guys should be happy about that. I have been an angry unhappy person so I figured if you have nothing nice to type than you should type nothing at all.

Last week I finally got around to making the chocolate shortbread fingers from Martha Stewart's baking book and the truth is I just threw most of them in the garbage yesterday. They just weren't good. The recipe sounded good and all the ingredients were good but the end result was boring and even my almost 2 year old wouldn't eat them. So I took a picture before trying them but I won't post it since they were a bust.

As far as ttc, well I have decided to take a break.

Here's a little story to relate it to you. Before I met my husband I dated a guy for 9 months and was totally head over heels in love with him. One halloween I went to a party, unsuspecting of any trouble, and a girlfriend came up to me and said, "I'm so sorry about you and Troy breaking up." Needless to say I was shocked but I played it off like I knew and then spent the rest of the party trying to have fun while I was freaking out inside. Later at home I called his house three times before he picked up and told me he thought we should "just be friends". I spent a month trying to figure out how to win him back. Then I spent the next month working two jobs in order to keep my mind off my anger. Then I decided in the next month that the pain of that heartbreak was too much and that I would rather forego love and never have to feel that kind of pain again. Of course I eventually met my husband and even though I fought it he did eventually break down these barriers and we are now 4 years happily married. But I digress...

So here I am after my last month of ttc and my period coming last week and I have decided that even though I desperately yearn for another child, well...honestly the pain and heartbreak of getting my period each month after trying with my whole heart is just too much for me. So I have spent the past week trying to convince myself that I can eventually be content with this awsome family that I have, even if it is smaller than I would have liked. My husband and son are the best and my love for them is overwhelming (this is part of the reason why I wanted another). So I told my thoughts to my husband and while he is reluctant because...surprise, he now wants another one quite badly too, he agreed and said that his main concern is my well being.

I now spend my time day dreaming about what I will do once Curtis is off to school since it looks like I won't have another child to raise at that time. I have changed my future planning to only include my one child and while it is a struggle at times, it does make it much easier to handle the fact that I might never get pregnant again. Of course I'm not planning on using any contraception and if I'm going to look on the bright side of all this pain, it's nice not to have to worry about the pill or condoms or anything like that for once.

Blah blah blah...I should be writing my novel right now. I'm over 70% finished. It consumes my free time and even my daydreams right now, so I guess that is another "bright side".

Tara

No, I'm not pregnant

Needless to say I'm heartbroken and angry and sad. I called my midwife as it's been about 6 months of trying. I'm going in Thursday for bloodwork and an ultrasound to make sure my parts are in working order. I've been crying for two days straight and look like hell. I was extra surprised this time because it's the first month I actually had a good feeling about it all. I'm beginning to realize that I may need to face the fact that I will never give birth again and that makes me extremely sad and very jealous of all the people I know who got preg so easily recently.

I should go write since my novel seems to be the only thing I will be creating this month.

T

St. Augustine

Check out where we are going tomorrow http://www.missionandshrine.org/index.htm
I've been wanting to go for a while. Curt asked his mom to come babysit so he could take me up there for half a day. I'm looking forward to it and hope the weather is half as beautiful tomorrow as it is today. Afterwards we are window shopping in the historic district and then having adinner together. How nice to have a meal without interuptions from my sweet little boy!

T

word count madness

I just broke 16,000 words on my novel. My nanowrimo report card says I'm 33% finished and am on schedule to reach 50K words on novemeber 24th. I still haven't reached the big climax of my storyline and I guess that's a good thing since I still have 2/3 of the novel to write. I've been getting more detail oriented and actually came up with a great subplot today that I mapped out a little on scratch paper while in a spot of writer's block. Week 2 is much harder than week 1 was. I'm trying to take it a day at a time or I start worrying about how I'll write this much in only 30 days. I'm now afraid of what week 3 and 4 will be like. My morale is really high even with the slight writer's block today and I actually honestly feel like this might eventually be a publishable novel. I do think I use the words honestly and truthfully too much, so if anyone has any other ways to express this thought please let me know.

Oh yeah, in other news, my gym is closing down. Long story short they offer such cheap memberships that they can't afford to stay open anymore. They are honoring the rest of our contracts at Lifestyles Family Fitness so I went over there today to get a class schedule and check the place out. It's like night and day with my gym. Fancy equiptment with built in tvs with cable in them. The kids room is big with sections for each age group and video games for the older kids to play. The only downsides to the switch are as follows
1. My gym was all women and this one is not.
2. My gym has a hydrotherapy massage bed and this one dosen't.
3. After July when my contract is up I'll have to pay $7 more per month.
Honestly though this place is so much higer tech (if that's a word) and cleaner and nicer that I think I can over look those things and make it work.

T

stromboli semi-failure #2

So twice I've made stromboli in as many weeks and both times it didn't turn out perfect due to human error. The first time I forgot to let the dough rise enough so instead of having the filling in a roll it was more like stuffed bread with the filling all in the center. Not a big deal, right? So yesterday I made it again because I have therapy Monday nights and I figured it was an easy enough make ahead dinner for Curt and Curtis. So I followed the instructions perfectly and put it in the oven for 30 mins. I came in here to write on my novel and next thing I know it's more like 45 mins that has passed. I rushed to the oven and pulled it out expecting the worst but the truth is it wasn't that bad. It's a little dry from being over done and darker on the outside then it should be but once again...not really a big deal. I am definitely going to try again in a little while and next time no mistakes.

My nanowrimo novel has been coming along wonderfully until today. I'm 2 days ahead of schedule and 25% finished the novel but, I'm worried about my plot. I feel like I'm 50% through with the plot so I'm beginning to worry and second guess myself. What if I start writing the ending and I'm only at 30,000 words or something. Part of me feels like I need to rethink my plot and maybe take it in a slightly different direction and part of me thinks I should leave well enough alone and keep going at my great pace with my natural feeling plot and storyline. Since I'm almost two days ahead of schedule I do have the luxury of thinking this through for the afternoon.

T

writing fool

This morning the Jewish Community Center of Orlando had a big kids fesitval. We went and had fun even though the rides all cost a $1 each (seems steep to me for a 1 minute kiddie train ride). They did have some free kids crafts so Curtis made a cool leaf crown and a fruit loop necklace that he immediatly ate so all that is left is a colorful slobbery peice of yarn. Nickelodian (sp?) hotel was there advertising and Curtis got to meet Dora the Explorer and Blue from Blue's Clues. We had fun.

Things are coming along great with my writing. I am a bit above schedule and trying to keep it that way in case I have a bad day in the middle of the month or something. I must say I am pleasantly surprised at how well my story line and plot are coming together. I really can't wait to write the last two chapters and the ending.

I am feeling very optimistic lately and while I don't want to jinx myself the truth is I really feel like this was our month for baby making. I am already experiencing some symptoms at only 8 dpo (days past ovulation). It's hard to wait to find out for real but I've got about a week before I can test. For some reason I have just felt like everything came together perfectly for us this cycle and now these symptoms are making me even more optimistic. Every month so far I have just felt like it didn't happen so this is the first month that my intuition is telling me it did. I hope it's right.

Ok, so since I've already met my word count for the day I'm going to go watch some football.

Go Eagles!

Go Buccaneers!

hello

So I've been neglecting my blog, but I have a good reason. This year I am participating in the http://www.nanowrimo.org challenge. The goal is to write 50,000 words by the end of Novemember. It comes out to about 1,600 words a day and I'm already a head of schedule at over 4,000 in two days. I've always been told to write what you know but everytime I try that I stall out after just a few pages. So this time I have made up a character that is very unlike myself and the storyline is very fantastic and well, unrealistic for me at least. The amazing thing is, it's going great. I'm just flowing with it and while my back hurts from this stupid computer desk and chair and I'm super tired, I do feel proud and accomplished.

This combined with the fact that Curt is out of town until tomorrow makes my life a little stretched thin. I was worried about missing him too much so I over scheduled us with activities for these few days and now I'm just exhausted. Even so, I still have a date to meet a friend and her son at the zoo tomorrow morning. I would love to back out and just sit on the porch enjoying the cold front with a cup of tea and my son playing with a matchbox car at my feet, but she has already told me twice how much she's looking forward to it and I'd feel badly if I backed out. I've promised myself after I get my 1600 words done tomorrow during Curtis' nap I will do nothing else but relax and play with him here at home all afternoon. Curt will be back tomorrow night so I must get the writing done before he gets back.

So if I'm not around here as much this month, you now know why.

Tara