Thursday, March 15, 2007

unsent email

So here's the may remember that I was a long time member of a message board where some of the members turned on me at one point in my ttc struggles and I ended up leaving the group on bad terms. It has been a pain that has stuck with me against my better wishes mostly because I feel I didn't get to have my full say and these were people I had grown to be friends with and gone through with them the amazing period of my life where I became a new mom.

So, when I was saddened that several members became preg w/o trying or on the first try one member wrote a nasty comment about me, then deleted it, then posted a non-apology something like, "I'm sorry but that is how I really feel". I was shocked that 5 people emailed me at the time saying that I was being treated wrongly yet no one spoke up online except the women who had no sympathy for me and were...well to be honest...complete bitches. I can see now that those women are bullies who "run" the group and I'm better off w/o them and w/o wishy washy "friends" who can't stand up for what they believe.

The truth is there are one or two of those women whom I do still contact and care about. One of them did speak up for me once during the argument. I am grateful for this but it really was greatly overshawdowed by the nastiness directed at me at the time.

So fast forward to this week. I now have a new group of online women who are supportive in every way and see eye to eye with me on most AP type parenting methods and NFL (natural family living) lifestyles. I was excited to let them know about my pregnancy after 9 months of them listening and caring for me through the journey. I posted a picture of the positive tests on a drop shot account that is meant for family who doesn't live nearby. Most of the pics there are of my son and my family during holidays and vacations.

It turns out this one member who said the super nasty thing and later non-apologized for it has been looking at this site. She took it upon herself to let all of that old group know my news and several of them have nicely emailed me congrats. I believe I am right to be offended that she stole my thunder. In her place I would have emailed her first before announcing this to everyone in the group. I realize that I am at fault for posting the picture for the whole web to see. I really mistakenly believed that only my family members looked there.

So long story short I want to write an email to her, but after discussing it with DH I realize it would do nothing productive. Problem is that I can't let go of this. So I'm posting the message here to get it off my chest, so to speak. I figure the few readers I have will probably ignore this or read through and feel sympathy for me, so I'm not really concerned about who reads this here. It is more important for me to let go of this right now.

Dear J,

I really don't appreciate you posting my recent news to the DD group. I know that I put the picture on my website and made it available to the world, but I honestly didn't think anyone besides family looked there. I am extra surprised that you look there since you made it clear to me 4-5 months ago how you feel about me.

Yes, I am still greatly hurt by your nasty words and contempt for my feelings at a time in my life where I was obviously struggling. True friends feel compassion and sympathy for their friends, but I now know you are much too immature for adult feelings like those. I want to move on and get over this and possibly even forgive you for the pain you and the others involved caused to me. I personally find that the only way for me to not feel the pain is to not have any thoughts or contact involving any of you ever again. This is sad to me and I really wish I was stronger of conviction so I could just let it roll off my back, but I am sensative and emotional and there is nothing wrong with that.

I am writing you to let you know that you hurt me deeply 4-5 months ago and that you have hurt me again just this week by blabbing my news and stealing my thunder (on purpose?). I am asking that you please not have any further contact with me again in the future in any way shape or form. I wish you well in your life and hope that our lives never ever cross again (including in my head).

I am hoping and praying that by getting this off of my chest, I will finally be able to let go of the pain caused when our friendship was severed.

Thank you,

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