Thursday, August 31, 2006


Let's start this off with a cute pic of my little guy hanging with his three best friends.

I am in a spot right now and I really don't like it. In fact, I really don't like many people right now. Where are all the people I can relate too?

I have a good friend who I can pretty much relate to about almost everything but alas, she lives in Missouri. Unfortunately she is not moving to FL any time soon and I am not moving to Missouri, well, ever.

I have one close friend I hang with regularly here in FL but while she is laid back and nice and cool to be around and talk to, she has a few bad habits that I cannot understand. I try not to judge her but I am a firm believer that drugs and alcohol destroy lives and I hate to see her in denial about such things. So our friendhsip is what it is and nothing more. We are friends but will probably never be closer than we are right now.

I am a member of a message board that I have been on for over 2 years now. I am slightly obessed with the board and the women who post on it and unfortunatley several of them have views on certain topics which I disagree with strongly. There is a bit of a double standard on the board which I have come to accept but it pains me to hold my tongue so. I try to break from the board on a regular basis and find it has a grip on me and my boredom that I cannot easily break. I guess this is my addiction (the internet).

I have had issues with feeling outcast my entire life and I think I bring it on myself at times. Like when I obsess and check my "board" over and over reading post after post of negative defeatist attitudes. There are things I believe in passionately (the benefit of breast feeding, non-induced labor, avoidance of over use of chemicals like meds) that these women don't seem to find that important. I know I don't want a world where everyone agrees with me all the time but I also don't want a world where most people live a life that is completely against my beliefs. How do I rectify this? I have found blogs by women whom I respect very much, but I would also love to meet women like this IRL.

This has been one of my life long struggles.


Tuesday, August 29, 2006

It looks like this TS is headed right at us now. It is supposed to hit ground at a cat 1 in Miami so we are hoping by the time it gets to us it will be less than that. Maybe we will just get strong TS winds and not hurricane winds. I am praying that the damage is little and we don't lose power for long.

So this morning I was packing my gym things in the car while Curtis was playing in the garage. I then got him strapped in and started to back the car out and heard a terrible noise. Then I pulled forward and got out to find out what had happened. Well, apparently Curtis had opened the little door to my gas opening thingy. When I backed out the door folded backward, dented my car, and ripped off. I'm so bummed about it but it's really no one's fault. Maybe I should have been watching him in the garage better, I don't know.

Also this morning I saw my across the street neighbor standing by the curb crying. I walked by and asked if she was ok. She said no and then explained that her next door neighbor just found out she has lung cancer. They have been next door to each other and best friends for 27 years. They both sit on the porch and smoke like crazy so it's not a surprise, but it is still sad. She is starting chemo soon. I am thinking of making a big pot of homemade soup and bringing half to her and the other half to Jill. Maybe just having dinner or lunch taken care of for one day might help out a little. I remember Angie brought soup to me after Curtis came home and I ate it for lunch 3 days in a row and loved it.

So our day isn't going well. I'm not in a good place mentally right now either. Probably those darn hormones and the stress of worrying about the 'cane. Curt and I had a long talk last night about my feeling and he was nice and it felt good to talk about it. I am taking Jill's miscarriage badly. She ended up in the hospital Saturday because she was bleeding so badly. Apparently they did some tests and found out something between her and Rich doesn't agree (chemically) and now they know why it was hard to get preg and it didn't stick. Apparently she is on some shots now that might help out. I am getting this all third hand news so I don't know details but I can't stop thinking about her. On top of it I have become paranoid that there is something wrong with me and I won't be able to get preg ever again. I really want ot experience it all again and have another child so while Curt is fine if we don't get preg again I would take it very hard. He thinks I'm nuts since it's only been 2-3 months, but you know I'm a natural born worrier. My friend Teri has been trying for over a year w/o getting preg and she got preg the first try with her son. Listening to her story and Jill's story makes me worry. I was hoping if I threw myself into working out and cleaning the house it might take my mind off of it, but no such luck.

Speaking of, I borrowed Kimmie's carpet shampooer and I plan to try it out this weekend while Curt takes Curtis to the springs (that is if the weather is ok). Right now I'm going to scrub the tile grout in my kitchen because I'm never done it before and it's sooooo dirty. In fact, all of my floors are so dirty that if Curtis is in socks the bottoms are black by the end of the day. Yuck!


Friday, August 11, 2006

good day

I feel like I never post here happy so here goes...

Curtis had three nights in a row of night wakings which lead to me sleeping on his floor for half the night. Well, last night he slept through and today he took a LONG nap at 1 and 3/4 hours. He was so much easier to deal with as a well rested kid. He didn't fight the dipe changes or getting dressed or anything. It's amazing how kids can go from sleeping terribly to getting lots of sleep in just a days time.

We went to the gym and had a good workout this morning (well, he played in the child area). Then we went to the mall play area to meet a girl whom I bought a stroller from. It was $25 and a little newer and in better shape then mine. It also had some extra features like a slide off tray table that I wanted. Well, at the play area I bumped into MIL. We've been having issues but we just put them aside. She was there with my two step-nieces and we all ended up going to the food court for lunch. She bought all three kids kiddie meals at Chik-fil-A.

Then after we were home and Curtis was napping the roofers called and said they are coming to start on our new roof tomorrow. Yipppeee! They said tomorrow they tear it off and Sunday it will be inspected for dryness. Then they will be back on Monday to put the new roof on. I called DH to tell him and we decided to go to the beach tomorrow so we won't be stuck here listening to them pound all day. We only live 45 min from the beach yet we don't go very often so I'm excited. The last time we went was in June so Curtis may have even more fun and there is a cool restaurant there right on the beach that you eat at outside with great food. I'm already excited about it.

I guess my point it....I am having a good day.


Thursday, August 10, 2006


We had MNO last night but only 2 other girls showed up. After a short while it became clear that I was the only one who didn't smoke pot or drink every night. Am I the only one who thinks drugs and alcohol ruin lives? Am I the only one who thinks it's wrong to get high while your toddler is sleeping in the next room? One girl has been TTC for almost 2 years and is just nowing trying to quit. She says she can't sleep w/o it and yet denies being addicted. The denial is amazing. I left feeling disgusted, outcast, and sad.

Curtis hasn't slept well in three nights. He's up crying a bunch and I eventually just go to sleep on the floor in his room. I am beginning to worry becuase he hasn't had trouble sleeping in a long time. DH thinks it's just teeth or growing pains and maybe he's right but I still worry and pray about it.

So this morning I'm all introspective. I worked out long and hard at the gym and realized that I am over critical of myself and others all the time and that I also have anger issues. I don't want to be that type of person. I decided that everytime I criticize someone, whether outloud or in my head, I need to follow it with an instant compliment. I had to use this twice as I watch two women at the gym. I figure if I catch myself everytime and reverse the criticism maybe I will eventually stop being so critical and negative. I'm big onto long term solutions right now. I'm just pluggin away at the gym hoping and waiting to gain more endurance, we keep doing the deed and hoping for a + preg test soon, and I will keep my mental state in check until I no longer need to.

I want to also join the anger support group at church and sign up for the Spanish class at the SCC campus near my house. This is my game plan. I figured it might help me to write it all down.


Tuesday, August 01, 2006


I am using every bit of strength I have to muster up a moderate amount of optimism today. I am in a definite funk for sure. This AM was ok. We did a walk with the dog, the gym, and the library. I don't know why I punish myself by taking Curtis to story time at the library. I guess it's wishful thinking. I need to just give up on it for a little for sure. He is just too wild to sit for puppets and stories. Otherwise he was ok.

I did a lot of thinking last night and realized that I have a whole heck of a lot of anger inside of me. Mostly for things from the past (my Dad mostly but other stuff too). Now that I realize that the issue is really anger not depression, what to do????? I was hoping working out at the gym would help but that has only helped a little bit. I'm toying with the idea of going to the Anger and Anxiety group Tuesday nights at my church.

Ok, well, I'd better get my shower in before 'Wild Thing' wakes up.