Thursday, June 29, 2006

help me

I'm having a supercrap day. Things with MIL have escalated and I'm stressed out. We are probably going to go see a counselor at my church because I'm afraid to talk to her alone. I'm so torn up and depressed about this. My family is full of issues so we moved down here to be close to Curt's family. They were supposed to be different. I know my MIL has had issues with Curt's step-sister and I always was so happy she wasn't getting into it with me. Well, now she is. I hate conflict and I am sick about this. I've been crying off and on all day.

On top of it all Curtis is being so cranky today. I told him that his Mommy was stressed out but he still won't give me a break . I went and signed up at a local gym today and was hoping to get a short work out in but they won't let you work out until you've had a physical fitness assesment and training on all the equipment. I understand and I'm looking forward to it but they couldn't schedule it until Monday. So my membership starts in July. I'm excited about it but also nervous about Curtis going in the daycare. The assessment is supposed to be 45 min but I wonder if he'll last that long. If not they said they would work with me and maybe do the last half another day.

I'm going to go with three girlsfriends to get sushi and beer tonight. I honestly keep thinking I just want to get drunk. I'm so stressed and sad and disappointed etc about all this MIL stuff that I just keep thinking about drinking. I knwo that's so unhealthy, especially for a former drug addict.


Monday, June 26, 2006

Monday Monday

Here are my guys last week on Father's day.

Having a rough one today. My DH is at the doctor right now. If you knew him, you would know how sick he must be. He never goes to the doc so when he asked me this morning to make him an appointment I knew it must be bad. I am praying that he doesn't have strep throat because I don't want to have to quarrentine him.

I got AF this morning and feel crappy as usual. It's always the first day of AF that kills me. And if anyone can tell me why my calves hurt so much during AF I'd love to figure that out.

Curtis hit 18 months and became a handful. He can be so cool and cute but most of the time he is so stubborn and angry. His anger worries me for such a young age. If something doesn't go his way he becomes a child who hits, throws things, bites, and screams. Maybe this is normal toddler behavior but I am thinking he is a bit above normal in these ways. I'm reading a book called How to Parent Your Spirited Child or something like that so we'll see if I can learn anything that will help.


Sunday, June 18, 2006


There are some people in my life that seem to always want to make things difficult. Do you know these types of people? For some reason they try to turn everything into an argument. I have had discussions that started as harmless small talk that people like this have made an effort to try to argue with. This is so frustrating to me because I always find myself getting involved. I am going to a father's day cook out this afternoon and there will be at least one person there like this. I want nothing more than to be quiet and to not let myself get involved. Life is way to short to spend it looking for things to disagree about. I am not sure how I'm gonna do and it makes me anxious.

Mommy groups can be like this too. Sometimes it seems like no matter what you say and no matter how benign it is these people can find one thing in there to oppose. This is so exhausting to me and it becomes like a poster on the MDC boards said so well, "My mommy penis is bigger than your mommy penis." I hate this kind of crap and yet I easily let myself get angered and drawn in. I wish I was more stoic and tolerate. Today I am praying for courage, balance, tolerance, and love.


Friday, June 09, 2006


I tried to post this yesterday but it never worked.

Ugh...I'm having the worst morning and I need to vent.First I got to Curtis' 18 month dr appointment 20 minutes early and they took me back to the exam room right away. Then I sat in a tiny exam room with a rambunctious toddler for 20 minutes. We had about 3 tantrums before the doc came in and spent 3 minutes with us.He is still skinny but not short anymore. He was a little over average for height but way below for weight and his ears and everything else were fine.

So then we go to the Sign Language class I signed him up for and that I've been all excited about. It is at a Montessori school in a classroom that is filled with stuff. There are puzzles and shells and blocks and stuff all over. Well the teacher wants Curtis to stay on the mat and play with the sign class toys. We had probably close to 10 meltdowns and I ended up stepping outside at one point because I felt like we were taking away from the other kids learning. It is impossible for him to be in a room filled with stuff and not explore it. Each time I (or the teacher) took him away from the shelves on the walls he threw a fit. It was so frustrating and exhausting and to top it off there weren't enough take home packs and since I was the last to sign up I didn't get one until the backordered packs come in. So we can't even go over the lesson at home now.

Then I'm driving home on I-4 listening to Curtis scream in the back seat and I see a big turtle trying to cross I-4. At this point I started crying. I'm at my wits end. I came home and put him straight in front of a video so I could take a minute for peace.

I'm so upset about this class. There are only 4 kids and only one his age. She is 17 months and a girl and she pretty much was the perfect student. I feel so disappointed and I also feel like I must be doing something wrong for him to behave this way. I think it's crazy to expect him to stay away from all that other stuff in the room, but obviously the teacher and school don't. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe Curtis shouldn't throw a fit everytime I tell him he can't have something.

Now for today. The A/C repair guys got here at 8:30am and said they hope to be done by 5pm. So my DH doesn't want me to leave them here alone, which means Curtis and I are stuck here in a no A/C house all day. Ho Hum.


Wednesday, June 07, 2006

18 months ago today

I was birthing my little baby boy. I wish I could say we've had a wonderful day so far but...well...honestly he's being a little punk this week. He's a little stuffy so I wonder if he is having trouble with his nose.

Anyway I got two books from the library yesterday that I'm so eager about. One is Disease-Proof Child by Dr. Furhman and the other is Easy to Love, Hard to Discipline, and I don't have the author here with me for that one.

Well, the Dr. Furhman book has me overwhelmed only one chapter in. I flipped around through some of the rest and pretty much feel like a huge failure. I wish I ate better than I do and I wish I knew why Curtis eats so little. I want to do better, but honeslty this book just makes me want to give up.

The other dicipline book is going well so far. I've only read the first chapter and haven't skimmed at all. I feel like I've only gotten an introduction of what the author plans to teach me so far and it seems great. I'm hopeful, but not going to beat myself up if I'm not perfect at the technique within a week. I tend to do this to myself when I get jazzed on an idea and can't manifest it in a short period of time.

My main reason for all this reading is that I feel like I'm failing my son. I feel like I'm feeding him all wrong and teaching him bad behavior. I will be the first to tell you I'm far from perfect. I have a short fuse and I am VERY moody. I wonder if a better diet would help the moodiness and I'm pretty sure that only self-dicipline will help the temper. I just hate going to bed each night feeling like I didn't give Curtis all that he needed.

Actually, I am leading you to believe I eat a bunch of junk but I'm not too bad. I am almost fully vegetarian and I eat very little dairy. I probably eat too many refined sugars still, but I am trying. Trust me, even the healthiest eater in the world would feel insecure after reading what this guy prescribes. I am not doubting him. In fact I admire him and wish he would come stay with me for a week and help me get on tract. It's just very overwhelming, I guess.