Sunday, August 24, 2008


Clark wanted to help Curtis and I make brownies!

Complete Soccer Academy

There is a new preschool in Apopka run at the Complete Soccer Academy. They held an open house last week that we went to and Curtis loves the place. I did seriously consider sending him, but it just doesn't look like it will work out for a few reasons, but....he sure did have fun playing during the open house. It's all indoor soccer which he loved playing, and as you can see, he also had fun lining up the colorful indoor soccer balls.


Some thoughts on addiction and marriage

I used to struggle with addiction. If there is such a thing as an addictive personality, I had it. I think for me it was about low self worth and low self esteem. I had to keep myself busy and full with substances or people so I wouldn't face the fact that I didn't believe I had any worth as a human being.

Once I hit my rock bottom I did face that and it wasn't something I just took on and moved on from. There was a long period of time where I wrestled with my own personal demons.

Now I'm in a completely difference space. In fact I believe my non-co-dependency is actually having a negative effect on my marriage. I'm at a place in my life where I do crave alone time and as a mother to two young children I don't get it much. So when they are both alseep or playing I push my husband away so I can go inward with myself and pay myself the attention that I distracted myself from all those years before. Obviously this doesn't make my husband happy, and he is a very touchy feely lovey dovey guy to begin with. I then end up feeling guilty for taking this time for myself and not forcing myself to cater to his emotional needs before my own.

I know this is also all tangled up with my hormones, as there are times of the month when this is a big issue and other times when there is no issue at all. Can you guess which time we are in now? LOL

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Yes, We're Fine

Hurricane Fay seems to be just skirting central florida inland. The poor east coaster are getting a run for their money, though. We are only suffering from cabin fever because it's been rainy and windy for 48 hours. I'm so glad she's going around us!

As for me..well recently I've been doing a lot of thinking about my diet and excersize routine. After finding out I'm both underweight and way below what I should be for bady fat content I then found out that Clark only gained 4 ozs in over 3 months. He dropped from 20th %tile to 5th %tile. While I know a lot of this is genetic and I will never have 'big' boys, I also am thinking since his main source of nutrition comes from my breast milk, that my low fat %tage is affecting the fat content of my milk. In laymans terms I make skim milk.

At this stage Clark still has a lot of developing going on and needs good fats for it. So I am sad to say I have to quit running. This same thing happened before when I started running again. After 2 weeks I lose 3-6 lbs and when you weigh 100 lbs that's a lot. Cardio just isn't good for me, so no triathalon next year either. So I'm probably going to quit the gym and use that money each month for extra food (I'll get to this) and getting Curtis into a preschool (sooner the better). I'll still do my morning walk, and believe me walking 1-2 miles while pushing two kids in a double stroller is actually a decent work out.

I'm also looking at my diet and realizing it's a little high in carbs and low in fat and protein. It's much easier to add good things for me than to subtract bad things so instead of focusing on eliminating carbs, like I've done in the past and failed, I plan to add lots of lean protein and good healthy fats to my diet. I am adding cheeses and yogurt, avocado and lean chicken and fish, and eggs too. I'm also researching protein powders for smoothies, so if you know of a good high protein tasty one let me know.

I hope this all goes well and I hope Clark and I start to look and feel better (although I can't imagine him looking any cuter than he already does...see...

Wish me luck

Win a Beco Butterfly Baby Carrier and Beco Toy Carrier from Along for the Ride.

I plan to win.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Stevie Wonder lyrics

It seems to me like most days can be summed up with some lyrics from a Stevie Wonder song. Sometimes I look at my sons and think 'isn't he lovely'. Or some days I feel like I'm living in a 'past time paradise'. Or sometimes I think that love is definitely 'in need of love' today.

Tonight I come to the end of the day and I just know I need to go 'have a talk with God'. I crave some organization to all my thoughts. For several nights now I lay in bed so physically tired and yet my mind goes over and over thoughts of encounters in person, on line, on the telephone. I replay how it went, how it should have gone, how I wish it had gone, until it's 4am and the baby is waking up to nurse.

Tonight I want to lie in bed and have that talk with God, and ask him to organize these thoughts and file them away in the great big file cabinet that is between my ears. Keep them in some manila folders somewhere just in case. Lock the cabinet so they can't come flying out at the least opportune time only to scatter dust and send me careening back to my past and my poor interpersonal relationship skills.

On nights like this I want to tell God about it all. I want to gossip to him and brag to him and cry on his shoulder until it's all gone and I can just be empty...and happy...and free. I want him to be there to listen completely without any judgment, or distraction, or advice.

And then I want to sleep a deep dreamless sleep and wake feeling so restored and well rested.

Longer out than in

Here's a picture of Clark I took on tuesday. He turned 9 months old on Monday, so in this picture he has officially been out of me longer than he was in me. It makes me both happy and sad. He's just a delight to be around, one of the cutest and most easy going babies I'm sure. He laughs and plays with us (including big brother) and one of the best things about him is he will sit with us at the dinner table and eat and eat and eat, allowing us to actually get a little food in too. Curtis is still not very good with mealtimes and has never liked eating. Even with his appetite, Clark is still a skinny guy.

It's in the genes, for sure.

I just had a consult with a personal trainer at my new gym and after seeing my body fat % and BMI he told me to stop running and start eating and lifting weights. This doesn't make me too happy and certainy doesn't bode well for my goal of doing a mini-triathalon next year. I'm still mulling it over. He also recomended that I get my thyroid levels checked so I guess I'll have to call the doctor soon. Ugh, I hate doctors.

Ok, enough whining from me, just enjoy this cute pic of my little baby.


Sunday, August 10, 2008

Kitchen Stuff

My kitchen is fully functional, as you can see. I made these delicious pumpkin oatmeal muffins yesterday (check out the flower from my rose bush as decor). I was stressed out and when I'm stressed, I bake. It helps me to get grounded and relax and then I also get to gobble down carbs when I'm done. These are pretty healthy for the most part and I love pumpkin.

It's almost pumpkin season and I'm so ready. August is hard in the south when we know we have at least 2 months of hot weather left. I'm feeling the cabin fever, but at least I'll be out having fun in December and January when all you northerns are snowed in ;)

So while it is functional, it is ugly. I asked my "worker dude" (that's what he calls it) to fix up my kitchen for me. The actual plan is to paint the ugly cupboard and get a new counter. We also need a new dishwasher and oven since ours are only half working now. I love to cook/bake and I'm so sick of this ugly, half working kitchen.

breastfeeding explained by Big Bird

Friday, August 08, 2008


Just in case you want to know what my lunch company looks like.

Curtis never used to like peanutbutter and jelly but he asks for them everyday now. I guess it's true what they say about toddlers and food jags.

Clark enjoys unsalted saltines, cheerios, banana bread, zucchini bread, canned pears, bananas, cream cheese or cottage cheese on toast, etc etc. For dinner he'll eat sweet potato chunks or green beans with toast or crackers. He loves to eat (unlike big brother) and will sit for a good half hour just putting food in and chewing it up (also unlike big brother who hardly lasts 10 mins at the table). But he's still a skinny guy at hardly 17 lbs.


Saturday, August 02, 2008

A Husband's Self-Portrait and Sleep

My husband is an artist. He doesn't like to call himself that and he doesn't even like telling people about his hobby, by I do. I think he's really good at it. He paints in our garage into the wee hours of the night on weekends and still gets up before 8am with us to enjoy family time. He had this self-portrait hanging on the back porch to dry and I notice how he was wearing a blue shirt that day. I ran and got the camera and begged him to post it on my blog. Don't you think it really captures something?

Another evening we took our regular evening walk only to find that BOTH boys had fallen asleep on the way home. This is what parents of young children call a jackpot. It was so nice to skip the long bedtime routine for once.