Monday, November 20, 2006

hello

I know I haven't been around much recently and the truth is you guys should be happy about that. I have been an angry unhappy person so I figured if you have nothing nice to type than you should type nothing at all.

Last week I finally got around to making the chocolate shortbread fingers from Martha Stewart's baking book and the truth is I just threw most of them in the garbage yesterday. They just weren't good. The recipe sounded good and all the ingredients were good but the end result was boring and even my almost 2 year old wouldn't eat them. So I took a picture before trying them but I won't post it since they were a bust.

As far as ttc, well I have decided to take a break.

Here's a little story to relate it to you. Before I met my husband I dated a guy for 9 months and was totally head over heels in love with him. One halloween I went to a party, unsuspecting of any trouble, and a girlfriend came up to me and said, "I'm so sorry about you and Troy breaking up." Needless to say I was shocked but I played it off like I knew and then spent the rest of the party trying to have fun while I was freaking out inside. Later at home I called his house three times before he picked up and told me he thought we should "just be friends". I spent a month trying to figure out how to win him back. Then I spent the next month working two jobs in order to keep my mind off my anger. Then I decided in the next month that the pain of that heartbreak was too much and that I would rather forego love and never have to feel that kind of pain again. Of course I eventually met my husband and even though I fought it he did eventually break down these barriers and we are now 4 years happily married. But I digress...

So here I am after my last month of ttc and my period coming last week and I have decided that even though I desperately yearn for another child, well...honestly the pain and heartbreak of getting my period each month after trying with my whole heart is just too much for me. So I have spent the past week trying to convince myself that I can eventually be content with this awsome family that I have, even if it is smaller than I would have liked. My husband and son are the best and my love for them is overwhelming (this is part of the reason why I wanted another). So I told my thoughts to my husband and while he is reluctant because...surprise, he now wants another one quite badly too, he agreed and said that his main concern is my well being.

I now spend my time day dreaming about what I will do once Curtis is off to school since it looks like I won't have another child to raise at that time. I have changed my future planning to only include my one child and while it is a struggle at times, it does make it much easier to handle the fact that I might never get pregnant again. Of course I'm not planning on using any contraception and if I'm going to look on the bright side of all this pain, it's nice not to have to worry about the pill or condoms or anything like that for once.

Blah blah blah...I should be writing my novel right now. I'm over 70% finished. It consumes my free time and even my daydreams right now, so I guess that is another "bright side".

Tara

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

don't give up. i have been trying for 26 months now...and just discovered i am 5 weeks pregnant. I feel in myheart there is a reason God made me wait and I need to have faith in that. It will happen when you are least expecting it and are not so focused on it. It can become quite obsessive...this I know...and once you arent "trying" and "hoping" and "aching" each month...it will happen...it will happen...it saddens me to hear you talk about giving up and imagining life with 1 child. Don't give up per say---just enjoy the family you have and love them and cherish them and in time...you will have another...and maybe even another after that to cherish and love as well.

heater said...

i disagree (somewhat) with anonymous' comments. i am glad that you are taking the pressure off of yourself. it must be terribly difficult to live with that much self-imposed pressure on something that you only have marginal influence on.

pressure is stressful, and the body is less likely to conceive under stress.

i hope you are truly able to be content with your family as it is, and i hope accepting that this family is all you have will allow your family to grow :)

Anonymous said...

You entry sounded so definite...as though you are giving up...don't give up. It will happen just like the first person commented. They had some good insight...I thought so anyway.