Thursday, January 11, 2007

need to post

I was checking the blogs I regularly read and was frustrated that they had no new posts. Then I realized that I had not been here in a while so I'm here now. DS is taking an extra long nap today for who knows what reason and I feel the need to post. I am going to try to keep the info here positive. While I am in fact in a rather low point in my life, I was looking back last night and realized that these low points are really cyclical. So that should mean that I will be on an upswing soon. Notice I say 'should'. No one knows really and most of the things upsetting me right now are things I have very little control over sooooooo...

DH is out of town again this week. He called last night with good news. He had dinner with a big wig who in sense told him to not get comfortable in his new position as he extepted him to be promoted again by the summer. Apparently there is a lot of talk about him in the company and they are grooming him for something. This something could in fact mean we move to Raleigh. There is no way to know for sure and the idea of a move to Raleigh seems exciting and scary all at once to me. Right now I'm keeping a 'cross that bridge when we come to it' attitude. I'm mostly just proud that my hardworking DH is finally getting props for his work. He's been a great employee his whole life and it seems that someone is finally recognizing that.

I took Curtis to the zoo this morning. He was a little weird and it seems like his personality is changing right now. He used to love going out and being around people but lately he has been much happier here at home. When we are out he gets clingy and whiney and when we're home he is super cool and cute and smart for the most part. He is a parrot right now repeating everything I say and he is doing the sign language I taught him often. He feels sympathy and kisses my booboos and the other day when I was crying he came up to me and gave me a big hug before he burst into tears of sympathy. He is truly the best thing in my life and the three of us together as a family makes me feel so lucky. I am learning through infertility that I was super lucky to get preg with him so quickly and that he is a real miracle.

Check out this link to a Nova program that will show you just how special each child is and how random and rare it is to get preg. I know a lot of people who got preg first try or without trying because they feel free to speak openly about. Now I am discovering that there are just as many women who have struggled to get preg but these women do not speak openly about their journey. We as women tie our value as women with our ability to get pregnant and give birth and we feel ashamed to admit that we are unable to achieve these. I know women who had c-sections who feel just as ashamed and defeated because they feel they failed at birthing their child. I am trying to work in my mind on realizing that my fertility is only marginally in my control and that it does not equat my value as a human. This is proving rather difficult since my subconscious seems to think I am a failure since I cannot achieve this pregnancy that I so want. It honestly breaks my heart a little each time I even say that out loud. So much for staying positive, huh?


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