Friday, December 15, 2006

bad week

It's been a rough week for the Fisher family. I got my period on Tuesday after it teased me being 2 days late. I knew I wasn't preg but the 2 day tease sure did suck. On top of it all we are all still sick with this terrible cold. So all week I've been pretty much stuck at home so as not to spread our germs. We aren't allowed at the gym in this sick state and I miss it dearly.

All of this time spent here is boring and makes me think too much. I have been thinking about my old message board a lot and they're not good thoughts either. I keep remembering hurtful things said to me and I keep having conversations with the people who said them over and over in my head. I'm wondering if I should write some letters to these people so I can have my say and then just not mail them. I've heard of this as a therapy before. I'll ask my therapist on monday if she thinks it's a good idea. I just feel super hurt and feel like certain people are off enjoying their wonderful lives and basically laughing at me every month that I don't get preg. I cry and wonder why they deserve to get preg easily and I don't.

I also just desperately want them to know how painful it is to ttc and not get preg. I feel like certain people don't have a clue and they said things to me about me being "too upset" about it. It makes me mad because they were judging me on something very painful that they have never experienced. I expect my friends to care for me when I'm down, not judge me. I know some about this because I never understood infertility until now. Before I kind of shrugged off the discussions about infertility and now I see just how hurtful that can be. When you are ttc it becomes all consuming and it changes the person that you are. I don't want it to and I don't want to admit that it has, but that is just the truth. I have tried to distract myself with writing a novel and learning to knit but it is still in the back of my mind at all times. I want the world to know how painful it is and I want compassion not judgment. I am super hurt that these people whom I knew and called friends for over two years have decided to judge me as opposed to giving me compassion.

Of course this is only true for a handful of the people on the group but those are the "rulers" of the group and no one else seemed to want to speak up on my behalf. I did get a few comments of support but mostly people only felt comfortable emailing me and not saying it "out loud" on the board. I am happy to be off the board and I have found out how obsessed I was with reading long "dear diary" posts written by people whom I don't respect at all. See it's not that I don't get along with people I disagree with, it's that I don't get along with people that I don't respect. I can't respect immaturity and materialism and people who are forever playing the vicitm. I tried to write to the group with my opinions and was forever berated and judged. It is a good thing that I am no longer internet friends with these people, so tell me why do I think of them so often and why do I have so many unresolved issues with them?

I had these thoughts on my mind all week and probably even longer than that, but when I'm stuck here sick and not pregnant at home it is harder to avoid them.

On another printer is broken and I use it to upload pics from my camera so you won't be seeing any pics from Curtis' b'day or of my first knit project until I go buy a new one. We have a babysitter and a half day date tomorrow so maybe we'll swing by compusa and get one. I finished my first knit scarf and I'd love to tell you all about how I learned to knit from my new friend Greenegirl. More on this another time.


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