Resolutions

I have been reading a bunch on feng shui and I have made my resolution to declutter my life. Most of what I read gets complicated but it all begins with getting rid of clutter. So that is where I have begun. I have already done a ton and my closet looks so clean and organized. Today I brought a ton of stuff to good will and I've been freecycling a bunch of the better stuff too. It feels great.

We ordered a new TV and it comes delivered tomorrow. We rearranged our front room (living room) and we are making the back room a play room now. I can't wait to have the whole thing done but it will take a while as we need curtains and little details like that to take care of still. We really never use that front room and it will be nice to go in there after Curtis is in bed and be in a room that isn't full of toys.

We also got a new all-in-one printer today so that is why you get to see this great pic today.

More adventures later. It is already 11:00pm and I'm usually in bed asleep by now.

T

Merry Christmas

Still no pics because we still are working on getting the printer fixed or another alternative. I can say that I got almost everything I wanted this year.

First my son was so happy with his train table. We both have started with colds again (the third time this year) today. It sucks to be sick but he really loved his gift so I'm sure once he's well he'll only love it more.

Second, the Eagles just beat the cowboys. I soooooo enjoyed watching T.O. dropped two passes. Everyone counted us out but we're still in it big time.

So all that is left is a baby. I got a + OPK yesterday and today and all signs point to being fertile. We've been doing our part so the rest is up to God and mother nature. I did sort of promise to name a boy Lito after Lito Shephard if the Eagles won so if we are preg this time and it is a boy I might have to name him Lito!

Just Kidding!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to any of my bleaders!

T

100th Post

This is my 100th post!!!

Can I just say how happy I am that the Eagles won. If you know me, you know I'm an Eagles fan, and if you know Eagles fans, then you know the only thing they hate more than the cowboys and T.O. are the Giants. It was a nail biter, but we won. I dressed my son in his jersey today and went to the gym. I was sure to walk right by the GM who is a big Giants fan and smiled big!

On another note, Curtis is talking like crazy now. He forms 2-3 word sentences and repeats big words. He talks and talks and I'm truly present with him while we "discuss" the topics of his interest. It happened just like people say, all of a sudden. Within the last 3 weeks he has had a major verbal leap and I am amazed by him. Since ttc I have realized what a blessing he is and now I swear I cry daily with love for him. He is so awsome and I am so lucky to be his mommy.

T

Christmas meme

Christmas meme
1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Hot chocolate
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Wraps ‘em
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? white
4. Do you hang mistletoe? No
5. When do you put your decorations up? After my son's birthday on dec 7th because I want to try to separate his b'day from the holiday
6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? cranberry jelly from a can
7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? I got a polaroid camera one year and that was cool, otherwise I don't have a ton
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I have no idea
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? I did as a child but not any more
10. What kind of cookies does Santa get set out for him? butter cookie press cookies
11. Snow! Love it or dread it? neither, I live in Florida, thank God!
12. Can you ice skate? I have been a few times
13. Do you remember your favorite gift? My son was born on Dec 7th 2004 and was a great early Christmas present
14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? spending time with my husband and son
15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? cookies
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? cookie press cookies
17. What tops your tree? a snowman decoration I got at the dollar store because I have still not found anything I like to go up there
18. Which do you prefer Giving or Receiving? giving
19. What is your favorite Christmas Carol? jingles bells because I sang this to my son a lot when he was 3 weeks old for his first Christmas and it always makes me remember that time
20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum? They're ok

bad week

It's been a rough week for the Fisher family. I got my period on Tuesday after it teased me being 2 days late. I knew I wasn't preg but the 2 day tease sure did suck. On top of it all we are all still sick with this terrible cold. So all week I've been pretty much stuck at home so as not to spread our germs. We aren't allowed at the gym in this sick state and I miss it dearly.

All of this time spent here is boring and makes me think too much. I have been thinking about my old message board a lot and they're not good thoughts either. I keep remembering hurtful things said to me and I keep having conversations with the people who said them over and over in my head. I'm wondering if I should write some letters to these people so I can have my say and then just not mail them. I've heard of this as a therapy before. I'll ask my therapist on monday if she thinks it's a good idea. I just feel super hurt and feel like certain people are off enjoying their wonderful lives and basically laughing at me every month that I don't get preg. I cry and wonder why they deserve to get preg easily and I don't.

I also just desperately want them to know how painful it is to ttc and not get preg. I feel like certain people don't have a clue and they said things to me about me being "too upset" about it. It makes me mad because they were judging me on something very painful that they have never experienced. I expect my friends to care for me when I'm down, not judge me. I know some about this because I never understood infertility until now. Before I kind of shrugged off the discussions about infertility and now I see just how hurtful that can be. When you are ttc it becomes all consuming and it changes the person that you are. I don't want it to and I don't want to admit that it has, but that is just the truth. I have tried to distract myself with writing a novel and learning to knit but it is still in the back of my mind at all times. I want the world to know how painful it is and I want compassion not judgment. I am super hurt that these people whom I knew and called friends for over two years have decided to judge me as opposed to giving me compassion.

Of course this is only true for a handful of the people on the group but those are the "rulers" of the group and no one else seemed to want to speak up on my behalf. I did get a few comments of support but mostly people only felt comfortable emailing me and not saying it "out loud" on the board. I am happy to be off the board and I have found out how obsessed I was with reading long "dear diary" posts written by people whom I don't respect at all. See it's not that I don't get along with people I disagree with, it's that I don't get along with people that I don't respect. I can't respect immaturity and materialism and people who are forever playing the vicitm. I tried to write to the group with my opinions and was forever berated and judged. It is a good thing that I am no longer internet friends with these people, so tell me why do I think of them so often and why do I have so many unresolved issues with them?

I had these thoughts on my mind all week and probably even longer than that, but when I'm stuck here sick and not pregnant at home it is harder to avoid them.

On another subject...my printer is broken and I use it to upload pics from my camera so you won't be seeing any pics from Curtis' b'day or of my first knit project until I go buy a new one. We have a babysitter and a half day date tomorrow so maybe we'll swing by compusa and get one. I finished my first knit scarf and I'd love to tell you all about how I learned to knit from my new friend Greenegirl. More on this another time.

T

sick

I woke up this morning with a sore throat and runny nose. I feel yucky. We skipped church and Curt took Curtis to the park so I could rest. I can't stop blowing my nose which is such a drag and I've already had 3 cups of hot tea with honey this AM.

Yesterday we had Curtis' b'day party. It went well. I was slightly disappointed that several people who RSVP'd didn't show up. I have a ton of goodie bag stuff for those kids and I'm going to donate some (hot wheels) too toys for tots and save a few for Curtis stocking. The kids who did show up had fun playing and everyone decorated a cupcake and there was even enough to take one home.

I am now feeling sad that several of my "friends" whom I met when Curtis was a baby did not take the time to either RSVP or come out to his party. This group of women mostly live on the other side of town and I have gone out of my way and messed up Curtis' nap schedule on several occasions in order to go to one of their b'day parties and yet it seems they don't think Curtis and I are worth driving out for. I got a call this morning from one such mommy friend who claimed to not ever get the invite and just got my email about rsvping today. I hate to be cynical but I want to call her a liar. On top of it all she acted like she didn't know when the party was after telling me she had just had a phone conversation with one of the moms who did come. I imagine that they talked about the party and the whole things seems so superficial and sad to me. I can't help but feel a little hurt. I guess I have learned my lesson and I won't go out of my way for everyone anymore. I've always made special accomadations for the kid's b'days because they are special but I guess I need to look out for #1 more now-a-days.

The party wouldn't have been complete without a conflict between my MIL and myself either. As I'm trying to chat with a guest she is shooting a ton of video on a camcorder and I see her over there waving for me to move. I took one step over while trying to maintain my conversation as she waves more. So I looked at her and said "I don't really want to be directed, I'm trying to enjoy the party." She looked all pissed and told me not to look at the camera. Curt stood up for me slightly and agreed but didn't really say anything to his mom (as usual). And of course she acted all hurt for a while and I walked around feeling like a b*tch when the truth is it was her prob. She always get so overdramatic and desperate during b'days and holidays and it drives me nuts. Why do we need 3 hours of video of Curtis' b'day? I'm never going to look at that much.

Oh well.

Tara

carriage jam

I'm very frustrated with my printer right now. It keeps saying carriage jam and I swear I've opened every little door and fiddle with things and plugged and unplugged it over and over. I am trying to print out a cute little picture I made to paste onto brown bags that will be filled with goodies for the guests of Curtis' party this weekend.

Yes, my little boy turned 2 yesterday. The picture above was taken the morning of his b'day in our front yard and I thought he looked super cute sitting there with our dog Sebastian. We went to a place called Crazy Monkey in the mall which is basically like a Japanese version of Chuck E Cheese. It was fun and Curtis played with his Paw Paw a lot. Then last night we had spaghetti, his favorite dinner, and then went to carvel for ice cream. We're having cupcakes at his party so I didn't want to make a cake too.

So at his 2 year PED appointment today most of my worries about his eating and weight were pacified. He went from the 3rd percentile in weight at his 18 month visit to the 10th percentile at this visit, so the truth is he's doing fine. She said it is very common for kids his age to eat nothing one day and lots the next. Since I know he is fine now I won't worry so much when he has a day of fod strikes, as they call it. He does have one issue in that his soft spot in his head has not closed yet. It is supposed to be closed by 2 years but the PED thinks since he is actually the size of a 20 month old that it will probably close in the next few months. If it doesn't we will need to get x-rays and look into it but she seemed pretty optimistic that it would most likely close on it's own.

So my little boy is healthy. He got several gifts yesterday and his favorite was a puzzle that was fish with magnets on them and it came with a fishing rod that used a magnet to pick up the fish puzzle peices. He makes the sign for fish and says blub blub blub while playing with it and he is super cute.

I am now trying to prepare for the 14 kids and 18 adults whom have RSVP'd for his party tomorrow. I had no idea so many people would want to/be able to come and I am trying to hand make goodie bags from brown lunch bags. I had planned to use my printer, but of course it has farted out on me just when I needed it. I do have puffy paint and foam and stuff so I am off to figure something out with those items. Wish me luck tomorrow

T

please eat something already

I'm having a rough morning. Curtis has started getting really bad about not eating and I know when I see the PED on Friday they will tell me the same things they always do about "keep trying" and "he'll eat when he's hungry" etc etc. I know there is nothing they can do but he has gotten so bad and I worry about it. I began wondering if he had a better mommy maybe he wouldn't be this way. Then I wondered if I should even try for another child when I can't even take care of the one I have properly. I love him so much and I don't mind him being a little picky but we have reached an all time pickiest recently. I bumped into some old friends at the gym and we all went to McD's for lunch afterwards today. While their kids sat nicely in highchairs eating chicken nuggets and apple slices Curtis ran around wildly pulling down Christmas decorations and refusing to eat even a french fry. I left feeling so discouraged.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night and worried about his b'day party for an hour or two. I didn't even think about balloons and decorations and I guess we'll need those too. I'm afraid I'm going to forget something and have many lists all over then house. Then when I did fall asleep I had a really disturbing dream about my period and woke up to cramps so I guess it will be coming again soon. I didn't expect anything else but it's still a little discouraging.

So I guess I should stop giving you my bad attitude and go do something productive. I made a double batch of Martha's ice box butter cookies and sent some into Curt's work. He emailed that they are a hit and Curtis likes them a lot too. It's one of the only things he will eat anymore. He spits the raisins out of the oatmeal cookies now. ugh

T

happy family

Here is a picture taken of us at the Winter Park, FL fall festival on 10/28/06. I am sending a few copies out in some Christmas cards so I figured I'd post it here for you guys to see too. We've gone to this festival two years in a row now and I'm deciding to make it a family traditon. It's loads of fun and they offer these free photos there along with candy and other treats. Whole foods comes and gives out fruit leather and apples and the fire department brings a truck for the kids to see. They also have a tiny pumpkin patch of tiny pumkins and every kid gets to pick one out to take home. It's really a great time for all of us.

This weekend the area called Wekiva is holding a winter festival. We don't live in Wekiva but we are as close as a house can get without being in the limits. The place is great but I'm glad not to have an HOA. I took Curtis last year and it's great because they have Santa there and they let you take your own pics of your kid on Santas lap. So no overpriced mall Santa for us this year.

T

easy recipe

It's been a while since we had a food post so here goes. My friend Teri gave me this easy recipe about a year ago and I make it often. As you can see, even my picky eater son likes them. All you do is mix one can of pumpkin puree (not pumpkin pie filling) with one box of chocolate super moist cake mix (lots of time Publix has this on sale B1G1 and you can find lots of coupons for these too). Don't prepare the cake mix, just stir it up with the pumpkin. It will be thick and sticky. You can put it in a bundt pan but I usually put it in muffin cups and come out with anywhere from 10-12 "muffins". Bake it for about 30 minutes for muffins at the temp suggested on the cake mix box. They are more like a brownie really and you can only taste a hint of pumpkin. If I have cool whip or ice cream on hand I will sometimes serve them with that, but they are good just plain too. Teri told me they are a weight watchers recipe and if you look at the box and can you will see that they are basically fat free and full of beta carotene. Not exactly a health food but with my son I take what I can get now-a-days. Plus they are not only low in fat but they are super inexpensive. Since we get 10-12 I usually freeze half a batch and they come out of the freezer great.

T

That's right

I did it. I wrote a novel. Revision time is in a few months because I need a writing break.

T

Go Magic!!!

Here is a picture of the Chapel de La Leche in St Augustine. We had a great trip two weeks ago and I recomend anyone to go if they have a chance. It is very serene and they have some beautiful sculptures in the garden there. You can buy church related stuff in the gift shop and I bought a couple of prayer cards that I find helpful.



We were offered free Magic tickets tonight but couldn't get a babysitter and the game isn't even on regular TV (we don't have cable). I'm bummed. I love going to NBA games and would have loved to watch them face the Hawks tonight. I have a not-so-secret crush on Dwight Howard, the Magic's center. He's only 20 but he is very nice looking and super talented. He's got some biceps on him to die for. Anyway I've always loved watching NBA basketball since I was a kid. I have these old scrapbooks I used to make as a pre-teen with all the newspaper clippings from the Philadelphia Inquirer of the Sixers articles taped into them. I was a big Charles Barkley fan and still love the Sixers, but since we're here in O'town now and get to go to some games, the Magic are my new #2 team.





Oh and well, you can also add Dwayne Wade to my list of NBA player crushes. That guy is super fine too. I daydream about bumping into him at a restaurant or something sometimes. He seems so cool in a super handsome way.





Anyway, there is my random rant about basketball. I have very little to say now-a-days and I'm just feeling a little bummed that we didn't get to take advantage of the free tickets tonight. My super sweet husband told me to just go with a friend but I have already had two night's out this week and felt badly leaving him here alone again. We're going to try to get tickets to a game next month and have MIL babysit. Our new plan is to do a date night once a month and she is always happy to babysit so we figured we'd do a Magic game for next month.





blah blah blah I know my blog has been boring lately. If you have a suggestion for something you want me to write about, just let me know.





T

one word from Frog

One-word meme
1. Yourself: desperate
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband: strong
3. Your hair: brown
4. Your mother/stepmother: lonely
5. Your dog: old
6. Your favorite item: book
7. Your dream last night: scary
8. Your favorite drink: tea
9. Your dream car: subaru
10. The room you are in: warm
11. Your fear: failure
12. What do you want to be in 10 years? published
13. Who you hung out with last night: family
14. What you're not: rude
15. Muffin: cranberry
16. Catalog: recycle
17. One of your wish list items: success
18. Time: hurts
19. The last thing you did: wrote
20. What are you wearing? blue
21. Your favorite weather: spring
22. Your favorite book: good
23. The last thing you ate: cocoa
24. Your life: ok
25. Your mood: trying
26. Your best friend: accepting
27. What are you thinking about right now? sadness
28. Your car: tan
29. What are you doing at the moment? typing
30. Your summer: hot
31. Your relationship status: perfect
32. What is on your tv right now? nothing
33. What is the weather like? cold
34. When was the last time you laughed? recently

comments

Thanks for all of the comments you guys. I know I sound like I'm giving up but that is the only way for me to survive the holidays right now. This is a tough time of year and I won't go into the reasons in case I offend a reader, but I'm struggling with bad memories from my past right now. I don't need added stress and disappointment of trying so hard for something and not getting it. I am not spoiled I swear. You can only understand if you've been throught this. I never understood what people were talking about before because Curtis came so easily for us. Maybe it will happen, maybe it won't. The fact is that being optimistic did nothing but make the pain worse so I really do feel like pessimism will help me. I really think we have a very slim shot so if it does happen I will be happily surprised, but if it doesn't I won't be excuriciatingly let down. I hope that makes sense.

I have got to go write or I'll get behind. I'm on schedule to finish my novel this week!!!

T

from Frog

[A is for age:] 31
[B is for beer of choice:] ichiban
[C is for career:] Mommy
[D is for favorite Drink] hot tea
[E is for essential item you use everyday:] toothpaste?
[F is for favorite song at the moment:] smilin' face by gnarls barkley
[G is for favorite game:] trivial pursuit
[H is for hometown:] Altamonte Springs
[I is for instruments you play:] drums, saxaphone, keyboard, some others I don't own now
[J is for favorite juice:] cranberry
[K is for kids?:] Curtis the fourth
[L is for last kiss?:] on my sons forhead while he cried from falling down
[M is for marriage:] 9/14/02
[N is for full name:] Tara Lynn Ann Lopez Fisher
[O is for overnight hospital stays:] I was born, I had a bleeding stomach ulcer, I gave birth
[P is for phobias:] elevators, planes, large crowds, snakes, etc etc (I could go on all day)
[Q is for quote:] “It's hard enough losing without the confusion of knowing I tired.” Neil Young
[R is for biggest regret:] giving myself to others too freely at a young age
[S is for sports:] is running a sport? or yoga? I love the Orlando Magic!!!
[T is for time you wake up:] 7:30 ish.
[U is for color underwear:] tan today.
[V is for vegetable you love:] green things like bell peppers and spinach.
[W is for worst habit:] ask my husband, I'm sure he'll tell you
[X is for x-rays you've had:] teeth and arm
[Y is for yummy food you make:] everything I make is yummy
[Z is for zodiac sign:] virgo on the cusp of libra

hello

I know I haven't been around much recently and the truth is you guys should be happy about that. I have been an angry unhappy person so I figured if you have nothing nice to type than you should type nothing at all.

Last week I finally got around to making the chocolate shortbread fingers from Martha Stewart's baking book and the truth is I just threw most of them in the garbage yesterday. They just weren't good. The recipe sounded good and all the ingredients were good but the end result was boring and even my almost 2 year old wouldn't eat them. So I took a picture before trying them but I won't post it since they were a bust.

As far as ttc, well I have decided to take a break.

Here's a little story to relate it to you. Before I met my husband I dated a guy for 9 months and was totally head over heels in love with him. One halloween I went to a party, unsuspecting of any trouble, and a girlfriend came up to me and said, "I'm so sorry about you and Troy breaking up." Needless to say I was shocked but I played it off like I knew and then spent the rest of the party trying to have fun while I was freaking out inside. Later at home I called his house three times before he picked up and told me he thought we should "just be friends". I spent a month trying to figure out how to win him back. Then I spent the next month working two jobs in order to keep my mind off my anger. Then I decided in the next month that the pain of that heartbreak was too much and that I would rather forego love and never have to feel that kind of pain again. Of course I eventually met my husband and even though I fought it he did eventually break down these barriers and we are now 4 years happily married. But I digress...

So here I am after my last month of ttc and my period coming last week and I have decided that even though I desperately yearn for another child, well...honestly the pain and heartbreak of getting my period each month after trying with my whole heart is just too much for me. So I have spent the past week trying to convince myself that I can eventually be content with this awsome family that I have, even if it is smaller than I would have liked. My husband and son are the best and my love for them is overwhelming (this is part of the reason why I wanted another). So I told my thoughts to my husband and while he is reluctant because...surprise, he now wants another one quite badly too, he agreed and said that his main concern is my well being.

I now spend my time day dreaming about what I will do once Curtis is off to school since it looks like I won't have another child to raise at that time. I have changed my future planning to only include my one child and while it is a struggle at times, it does make it much easier to handle the fact that I might never get pregnant again. Of course I'm not planning on using any contraception and if I'm going to look on the bright side of all this pain, it's nice not to have to worry about the pill or condoms or anything like that for once.

Blah blah blah...I should be writing my novel right now. I'm over 70% finished. It consumes my free time and even my daydreams right now, so I guess that is another "bright side".

Tara

No, I'm not pregnant

Needless to say I'm heartbroken and angry and sad. I called my midwife as it's been about 6 months of trying. I'm going in Thursday for bloodwork and an ultrasound to make sure my parts are in working order. I've been crying for two days straight and look like hell. I was extra surprised this time because it's the first month I actually had a good feeling about it all. I'm beginning to realize that I may need to face the fact that I will never give birth again and that makes me extremely sad and very jealous of all the people I know who got preg so easily recently.

I should go write since my novel seems to be the only thing I will be creating this month.

T

St. Augustine

Check out where we are going tomorrow http://www.missionandshrine.org/index.htm
I've been wanting to go for a while. Curt asked his mom to come babysit so he could take me up there for half a day. I'm looking forward to it and hope the weather is half as beautiful tomorrow as it is today. Afterwards we are window shopping in the historic district and then having adinner together. How nice to have a meal without interuptions from my sweet little boy!

T

word count madness

I just broke 16,000 words on my novel. My nanowrimo report card says I'm 33% finished and am on schedule to reach 50K words on novemeber 24th. I still haven't reached the big climax of my storyline and I guess that's a good thing since I still have 2/3 of the novel to write. I've been getting more detail oriented and actually came up with a great subplot today that I mapped out a little on scratch paper while in a spot of writer's block. Week 2 is much harder than week 1 was. I'm trying to take it a day at a time or I start worrying about how I'll write this much in only 30 days. I'm now afraid of what week 3 and 4 will be like. My morale is really high even with the slight writer's block today and I actually honestly feel like this might eventually be a publishable novel. I do think I use the words honestly and truthfully too much, so if anyone has any other ways to express this thought please let me know.

Oh yeah, in other news, my gym is closing down. Long story short they offer such cheap memberships that they can't afford to stay open anymore. They are honoring the rest of our contracts at Lifestyles Family Fitness so I went over there today to get a class schedule and check the place out. It's like night and day with my gym. Fancy equiptment with built in tvs with cable in them. The kids room is big with sections for each age group and video games for the older kids to play. The only downsides to the switch are as follows
1. My gym was all women and this one is not.
2. My gym has a hydrotherapy massage bed and this one dosen't.
3. After July when my contract is up I'll have to pay $7 more per month.
Honestly though this place is so much higer tech (if that's a word) and cleaner and nicer that I think I can over look those things and make it work.

T

stromboli semi-failure #2

So twice I've made stromboli in as many weeks and both times it didn't turn out perfect due to human error. The first time I forgot to let the dough rise enough so instead of having the filling in a roll it was more like stuffed bread with the filling all in the center. Not a big deal, right? So yesterday I made it again because I have therapy Monday nights and I figured it was an easy enough make ahead dinner for Curt and Curtis. So I followed the instructions perfectly and put it in the oven for 30 mins. I came in here to write on my novel and next thing I know it's more like 45 mins that has passed. I rushed to the oven and pulled it out expecting the worst but the truth is it wasn't that bad. It's a little dry from being over done and darker on the outside then it should be but once again...not really a big deal. I am definitely going to try again in a little while and next time no mistakes.

My nanowrimo novel has been coming along wonderfully until today. I'm 2 days ahead of schedule and 25% finished the novel but, I'm worried about my plot. I feel like I'm 50% through with the plot so I'm beginning to worry and second guess myself. What if I start writing the ending and I'm only at 30,000 words or something. Part of me feels like I need to rethink my plot and maybe take it in a slightly different direction and part of me thinks I should leave well enough alone and keep going at my great pace with my natural feeling plot and storyline. Since I'm almost two days ahead of schedule I do have the luxury of thinking this through for the afternoon.

T

writing fool

This morning the Jewish Community Center of Orlando had a big kids fesitval. We went and had fun even though the rides all cost a $1 each (seems steep to me for a 1 minute kiddie train ride). They did have some free kids crafts so Curtis made a cool leaf crown and a fruit loop necklace that he immediatly ate so all that is left is a colorful slobbery peice of yarn. Nickelodian (sp?) hotel was there advertising and Curtis got to meet Dora the Explorer and Blue from Blue's Clues. We had fun.

Things are coming along great with my writing. I am a bit above schedule and trying to keep it that way in case I have a bad day in the middle of the month or something. I must say I am pleasantly surprised at how well my story line and plot are coming together. I really can't wait to write the last two chapters and the ending.

I am feeling very optimistic lately and while I don't want to jinx myself the truth is I really feel like this was our month for baby making. I am already experiencing some symptoms at only 8 dpo (days past ovulation). It's hard to wait to find out for real but I've got about a week before I can test. For some reason I have just felt like everything came together perfectly for us this cycle and now these symptoms are making me even more optimistic. Every month so far I have just felt like it didn't happen so this is the first month that my intuition is telling me it did. I hope it's right.

Ok, so since I've already met my word count for the day I'm going to go watch some football.

Go Eagles!

Go Buccaneers!

hello

So I've been neglecting my blog, but I have a good reason. This year I am participating in the http://www.nanowrimo.org challenge. The goal is to write 50,000 words by the end of Novemember. It comes out to about 1,600 words a day and I'm already a head of schedule at over 4,000 in two days. I've always been told to write what you know but everytime I try that I stall out after just a few pages. So this time I have made up a character that is very unlike myself and the storyline is very fantastic and well, unrealistic for me at least. The amazing thing is, it's going great. I'm just flowing with it and while my back hurts from this stupid computer desk and chair and I'm super tired, I do feel proud and accomplished.

This combined with the fact that Curt is out of town until tomorrow makes my life a little stretched thin. I was worried about missing him too much so I over scheduled us with activities for these few days and now I'm just exhausted. Even so, I still have a date to meet a friend and her son at the zoo tomorrow morning. I would love to back out and just sit on the porch enjoying the cold front with a cup of tea and my son playing with a matchbox car at my feet, but she has already told me twice how much she's looking forward to it and I'd feel badly if I backed out. I've promised myself after I get my 1600 words done tomorrow during Curtis' nap I will do nothing else but relax and play with him here at home all afternoon. Curt will be back tomorrow night so I must get the writing done before he gets back.

So if I'm not around here as much this month, you now know why.

Tara

Happy Halloween!

This is one tough guy here. He's not even 2 yet and he can handle a mohawk and a tattoo. I can't believe his mommy approved of this!

banana bread and stromboli

Well, I never could get that carvel picture to upload, but this one is even better really. I have a friend in my local Mom's group that is a professional photographer. She took this pic of Curtis for us for fall so I thought I'd share.

Yesterday we gave him a mohawk for his halloween costume and it was a disaster. He screamed and cried the whole time I cut it and I don't think it really looks that good on him. Curt likes it but I just think he doesn't have the head shape or hair type to pull it off really. I have no idea how I'll fix it after halloween since I'd really rather not shave him completely bald. Oh well, we certainly went noticed at the Fall Festival yesterday.

I never got my Martha recipe done so I guess I'm a week behind. I have brown bananas so I'm going right now to make a banana bread and tomorrow I'm making stromboli for a halloween party. It's an afternoon party for a Mom's group on Monday and most people are bringing sweets (cupcakes, cookies, etc) so I decided to mix it up and balance it out with a stromboli. It seems like good toddler/mommy food to me. I'm planning to make two so I can bring one and save one for us for dinner that night. I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm also feeling much more positive this weekend. I'm trying to stay optimistic and focusing on the things I have rather than the things I don't. Seriously, my marriage is so great right now (he is the kindest most faithful rock of a husband) and Curt and I are probably at the healthiest point physically that we've ever been (mostly due to diet, supplements, and excerisize). Also Curtis is still super cute and fun (even with his bad haircut) so I really do have a lot to be thankful for. The weather here is perfect this time of year and it'd just be a shame to be inside feeling sorry for myself when I could be out playing.

T

tailspin

Pictures still wn't load for me. Blogger and Yahoo are both being stupid lately (no offense blogger).

Another friend is preggo w/o trying. I found out yesterday and it sent me for a tailspin. I was late for a playdate so I had to slap myself around a little (not literally) and get it together to go. I got to the playdate house and the Mom ends up telling me she just got post partum AF and figures she'll be preggo again by New Years. She has a 2.5 y.o.and a 10 month old.

I believe this is some sort of cruel joke on me. Seriously, before I started trying I knew maybe one or two people who were or who got preg. Then a few months into trying it started as a baby boom around me. Seriously, if you want to get pregnant just send me an email because everyone else around me is and if you contact me it probably will happen for you right away. Maybe it's just contact with me that makes all these people get preg w/o trying or on first try. I'm trying to remain positive and relax and all the other annoying advice people have given me but really I just want to scream and yell and punch something (or someone maybe). I want to tell the world to go to hell and crawl under a rock and cry for hours all alone, but I don't and I can't so I put one foot in front of the other and take each day as it comes.

I am fertile right now, my OPK says so. I am hopeful and trying to use Heater's suggestion of affirmations and visualization to help me. I keep telling myself that this is the month and everything is coming together perfectly. TG Curt's travel was postponed until next week. We are both healthier than we have ever been and our relationship is super strong (as always). Curtis is growing like a weed and is lots of fun right now. My life is pretty great aside from the fact that I very much want to grow my family right NOW! Yes, patience is not my strength, and the fact that the entire female population around me is concieveing children left and right regardless of effort or readiness does not help my mental state at all.

Are you bored with me yet? I certainly am. We're going to a Fall festival today in Winter Park, FL even though it is cloudy and rained all last night. Who needs the sun when there is a famer's market and pumpkin patch to be explored?

T

I heart Carvel

Yesterday we went to a thirft shop and a consignment shop looking for a few more items for fall. Curtis and I both were in need of some new cool weather clothes. We made out great. We got two pants for Curtis, 3 shirts for me, a stack of books, and a old fashioned cookie press like my Mom uses every year for Christmas cookies. All of this was only $8 total.

So, since the consignment shop is in the same plaza as Carvel, we just had to stop for a kid's sized cone. We shared the cone but in the end I finally decided that Curtis is big enough to hold his own ice cream cone. He had so much fun eating it and begged me over and over to put different color sprinkles on from the giant sprinkle tower they have. We ate way too much sugar yesterday so today I'm trying to cut back on it a bunch today. So far so good.

I still have one day to make a Martha recipe this week for the challenge. I'm hoping to pick up some butter today or tomorrow and try the shortbread recipe. I meant to go get some after the gym this morning and forgot. Jeez, one week in and I'm already slacking on my challenge.

T

PS - Blogger is being difficult so I'll post a pic later of Curtis eating his cone.

MIA

I've been MIA for a few days. I haven't been here on the computer a lot, which is a good thing.

Yesterday I whipped up a batch of regular old chocolate chip cookies for a snack. We brought a few over to a friend's house and her and her son chowed down on them. Otherwise not much coming out of my kitchen that is too exciting this week. I need to make my weekly Martha recipe but I forgot a few things at the store and haven't been back since. I might go to costco this afternoon so I might get some chocolate shortbread fingers out by the weekend.

I'm still trying to decide what to make for the halloween party we are going to Monday. I can't decide whether to do appetizer or dessert but I'm leaning toward appetizer.

Really not much going on in my head this week. Maybe since I was so loaded down with stress last week my brain is on hiatus. I did see my church couselor Monday night and it went well. I will be going every Monday and we are working on my interpersonal relationship issues and my anger issues. It's good stuff. She thinks that I've never felt or been validated and that is why I yearn so strongly for like minded people.

Ok, got a headache. Gotta get off this computer now.

T

focus

Here is a recent painting I did of Mary and the baby Jesus. My wonderful husband found an inexpensive frame and put it in for me. I really wanted to do a painting of baby Jesus but I don't do realism well so this is my interpretation.

Today I went back to Joann's as I had more coupons and bought Curt some drawing supplies. He's so good and really likes drawing and sketching at night after Curtis goes down. It helps him unwind after work etc. I like him having the supplies, but they can be expensive so the coupons are a must.

Anyway, after shopping I stopped next door at my gym just to lie on the hydro therapy bed for a little 20 min massage. I got to thinking and came up with an idea. I decided the new focus of my life is to get stronger and reduce stress for myself and my family. Like at the gym I am doing only strength training and yoga because any cardio I do seems to shave off pounds that I need to keep. Also I love the hydro therapy bed there and it is very comforting and relaxing. Also all the crafts and creative things I do help me to feel stronger and more relaxed. I want to try to focus on strength and stress reduction in any free time I have from now on.

T

creative

This whole family is creative. A girl from my local moms group posted a link to this holiday craft idea. It's the first time I've seen something Curtis could sort of do. He did the hand prints and I touched up and did the rest. We're hanging it on the door.

I also let him use the new finger paints and tried to get a pic but didn't get a good one. He was a mess afterwards!

T

cookies and beyond

Well, here they are. Curt loved them but Curtis didn't seem to like them much. They are good in sort of a basic kind of way. I used non-pareils instead of sanding sugar and I don't really like them. They stain your hand. Maybe a nice colored sugar would work better. I wasn't blown away by these cookies but they are pretty good. I guess I just like cookies with chocolate in them! I gave a few to a friend who is on bed rest so she should be enjoying them tonight.

I've had a rough few days. I'm not going into details I guess, but I'm now in super anxiety panic attack mode. I'm afraid to be alone but the prob is Curt is now working this new job which causes him to work long hours. He was able to pull away a little earlier tonight and we went on a bike ride as a family before dinner which was super nice. I just crave his attention and time right now because I'm feeling very alone and he is truly the only person I feel comfortable with right now. When I'm alone with Curtis, I just feel so anxious and like I want to climb out of my own skin or something.

I know this is all about stress. I've had many stressors lately but the biggest one is the pressure I feel to get pregnant now. It's been 4 months of trying and I am now worried. I feel like there is a weight on me that won't be lifted until I can get pregnant. I don't know how to stop obsessing about this at all. I have tried everything including throwing myself into other things but it is still always there like and undercurrent to my life. It doesn't help that by some ironic twist everyone around me seems to be getting preg on accident or w/o trying hard. I swear every show on TV is about pregnancy and every song I hear and I feel like I'm being tested here and failing big time.

Tomorrow we are skipping the gym and going to the zoo. I met a woman at the park a week or two ago and we hit it off. Her son is a little younger than Curtis but they are close in size. She seems a little more on my level with parenting things than the other moms I've met and hung with lately. I'm hopeful that we'll have a good time and maybe strike up a friendship. I could really use a non-judgmental, non-bitchy, non-pregnant or trying friend right now. At the very least I'm sure we'll enjoying checking out the zoo. I bet Curtis will love seeing the monkeys again.

He says pumpkin now. He sees them in people's yards or decorations and it sounds like 'pum-bin' when he says it. It is really cute. His vocabulary is growing each day and he blows me away with words all out of the blue a lot now.

T

could be better, could be worse

Well, another month gone and no baby. I'm disappointed but still feeling faithful. The only way I've learned to deal is to throw myself into non-reproductive interests. So here goes...

I just got out of the kitchen after putting the icebox butter cookies in the icebox. Here they are right before going in. Since there was an overwhelming decision in the vote (3-0 for icebox cookies) I picked up some parchment and butter (yes real butter this time) today and got to work. The recipe calls for the optional addition of shaved chocolate or crushed nuts but I finally decided today to just make them plain. If they turn out good I'm thinking of using them for a halloween party and decorating them with orange sugar on the rim. I'll bake them either later today or tomorrow and I'll be sure to update you as soon as I can.

If you believe in prayer, please pray for us during this trying journey in our lives. Thanks.

T

Help

I need help picking a recipe to try for next week. I'll give a few choices and I need you guys to vote in the comments. I went through the copy of Martha Stewart's Baking book I have from the library and picked a few that seemed interesting and not too hard.

Chocolate Shortbread Fingers
Lemon Sugar Snaps
Icebox Butter Cookies
Jam Crumb Bars

Let me know which you think should go first.

T

bicycle

Check out what we've been doing. I put this seat on the back of my bike on Monday and have been taking a ride with Curtis every afternoon since. We both really enjoy it and the weather has been just perfect for a late afternoon bike ride.

T

Please Comment

I just looked at my site meter and I have a bunch of hits here but hardly any comments. So, I'm asking you to comment. It doesn't matter what you say just say hi or something. I know a couple friends have mentioned reading this and it's out here for any and everyone so let me know you're out there, ok?

T

Latest Ironic Addition

We have a new family member here at the Fisher house (irony #1). Please meet Bobby the beta fish. Curtis picked him out and named him all by himself. We already very much enjoy watching him swim and feeding him smelly fish flakes everyday. He inspired the following work of short fiction from me today (irony #2).

Ironic short story about Bobby

I was sitting and staring into Bobby's bowl the other day. I looked around at the white rocks and small plant in there and began to wonder if fish can feel bordom. I sat and stared into his bowl for a while thinking about this.

T

Cupcakes

They're done! My first Martha recipe turned out good. They taste great in my opinion, but I love oatmeal cookies.

I'm sending a few to work with DH tomorrow because his manager always asks for my oatmeal macaroons when I make them so I figure maybe she'll like these too. Plus I got 2 dozen of them so I may as well share!

The recipe says it makes 2 1/2 dozen, but I did not measure the cupcakes out precisely so I got 2 dozen. It was just too hard to measure 2 1/2 tblsps of one batter and 1 1/2 tblsps of the other, so I eyed it. The only problem I had, if you can call it a problem, is that it took a while for my brown sugar to blend with the white sugar and butter. There were hard "rocks" of brown sugar that I had to mush on the side of the bowl with my spatula. No big deal though really. For a Martha recipe this was actually quite quick and easy for the most part. The only ingredient I couldn't find at Publix was wheat bran, but I didn't look super hard since a little boy I was with was really whiney at the time. I went to Economy Health this AM for yogurt (a whole other story) and picked some up there for super cheap.

All in all I am very happy about this and plan to do another Martha recipe next week. If you are a Martha fan and have a suggestion feel free to leave it in the comments.

T

1/3 life crisis

Assuming I live to be 90ish, I'm 1/3 through my life now.

I just don't know about this anymore. This trying to get preg thing is starting to get to me again. I can't seem to quiet that tiny voice of hope in my mind even though I know I'm not preg this cycle. I just know it. Yet, still I have that tiny hope. It is so defeating to try over and over and fail each time. There is no C+ in TTC, it is a pass or fail subject and so far I'm about 4 F's into it. The funny thing is when we were trying for Curtis I told DH that we would give ourselves 6 months before we got worried. Then it happened on the second try. So this time I just assumed it would be fast and didn't prepare myself for this at all. I know four tries isn't much compared to some but it is a complete mind screw. I am a faithful Christian and yet I cannot get over my sadness that there are so many caring healthy women trying and trying with nothing happening while crack heads and teenagers get preg "by accident". I know I was not meant to understand but I still strive for this understanding I can never reach. I am sure one day I will look back on these feeling and cringe, but today is today not the future.

On another note....no Martha's oatmeal cupcakes today because I couldn't for the life of me find oat bran at the publix. I guess I'm going to have to try Economy Health or Chamberline's or something. I was so ready too....soon I hope to be posting about a delicious Martha's cupcake.

I did pick up a few canvas boards with a coupon and giftcard at Joanne's today. I love the fact that my gym is right next to Joanne's. First craft shopping and then namaste. A perfect combo in my book. I feel crafty but nothing has really come to me recently until this AM when I was in the garage and got hit by an idea to paint. So what the heck am I doing here whining on this computer you ask? I do not know....

T

One more thing

My boy is defnitely an Eagles fan no matter where we live!

Monday

Oh my I have written a post in my head 100 times today and now I'm here with 4 mins to post and nothing coming out.

This is a terrible picture but the battery died in my camera before I could get a close up so this is what you get on the yoga mat bag.

First off if one more person says to me that "it" will happen when the time is right I'm going to go balistic. Yes I realize that "it" will happen when the time is right. Don't you think I've already thought that? Don't you think the time is right NOW? I certainly do. Now go away until you have something intelligent or sympathetic to say.

Second off, Curtis must be coming down with something because he is Mr. whiney grouchy pants today. I did finally get the seat put on the back of my bike and I took him out for a ride on it. It was much more difficult than I assumed to get it on and I had difficulties balancing once on the bike myself. Probably since we are a combined 125 lbs on the bike, 25 of those being right above the back wheel. He was so quiet back there is his hand-me-down pink girl's bike helmet. I asked him a couple of times if he was ok and he just said, "mmmmmmmm". Since he pretty much cried and clinged to me like a baby monkey all morning, I considered this to be a positive response and biked around the block a few times.

The yoga mat bag is done and was in use this AM at yoga class. I still need to add the draw string but since it works w/o it I'm afraid it may never get put in since I'm just that way. I need a new sewing project badly. I hope to get some time to skim blogs and steal ideas tomorrow.

Going shopping tomorow I hope. As long as Terminix let's me leave the dog in the back yard I should be ok. Then I'm tackling my first Martha Stewat recipe. I can't wait. I am so obsessed with Martha right now. I need a subscription so badly. MIL said she had some things like frequent flyer miles for magazines or something and she's gonna see if she can get me a subscription. I'll post if I bake the cupcakes tomorrow.

T

oh no

Last month I got a feeling about a week and a half before AF was due that I wasn't preg. Just this evening I had that same feeling. An overwhelming disappointing saddness where I feel like I just know it didn't happen. I don't want to let it get me down but the truth is it does. I feel so low now because I told myself I'd trust my intuition this month. This is the first time this month that I've acutally thought about how it would feel to not be preg again and it's a bit overwhelming. I wonder if it ever gets easier. I wonder what we're doing wrong since my cycles are so regular and we time BD so right. I wonder why I'm so invested in this mentally when logically I know it will be ok if it waits a few more months to happen. I am a SAHM and I feel bored and I feel like I've invested so much in getting preg again that every month that it doesn't happen just leaves me with more time to wonder what's worng and what I should be doing abou it.
Just some overwhelming thougts. Thanks for letting me vent.

a little of this and that

I'm having a couple of anti-people days in a row. Yesterday I was treated so poorly at Walmart that I've decided to join in on the boycott of said establishment. Today I've encountered two people who were rude in very shallow uncaring ways and I'm now questioning the goodness of people and feel the need to begin a few days of reclusion (is that a word?).

I am supposed to be sewing my yoga mat bag right now but mistakenly left the fabric I intend to use in my son's closest and he is napping. I wouldn't dare go in there and risk waking him so it'll have to wait until tomorrows' nap time. After writing this I do plan to go make some cornbread muffins because last time I made them Curtis (this picky eatter son of mine) loved them. If you want to know I plan to use this idea/pattern for the mat bag http://www.figandplum.com/archives/000016.html. I'll post about it when/if it gets done.

Right now I'm kind of on a Martha Stewart fix. I was given a couple of old Martha Stewart Living magazines recently and just can't get enough of them. That woman can throw a party. I would never attempt what she does but it is somehow satistfying to just read about it and enjoy all the fancy pictures. I don't have much of an opinion about her troubles and I have heard she is a control freak, but I don't really care as long as she keeps throwing these great parties and offering up these recipes for me to read and ogle and perhaps some day try. I was recommended this recipe http://www.marthastewart.com/page.jhtml?type=content&id=recipe2210055 and as soon as I go shopping next week I will be trying it out. They sound like something I would love with the oatmeal and coconut and all. I'll let you know about these too.

So that's it here in the land of the dinosaurs. Definitely feeling prehistoric today after my anti-people feeling combined with my workout at the gym. I'm doing muscle building stuff like crazy and drinking protein shakes so I had better start gaining weight here soon. Also snuck a 15 min lay on the hydrotherapy bed which was good for these tired muscles of mine.

T

TV

Here is Curtis with his best buddy from the gym childcare area Alex.

My new favorite show is now Hero. It is great although some scenes were a little gory for me. Now I have three shows I'm addicted to and I will not watch anymore and let the TV suck up any more of my evenings. I love Hero, The Office, and of course...Gilmore Girls', my not-so-secret indulgence.

Things here are quiet. Just plugging away. I lost some weight and I now weigh 97 lbs so I'm trying to gain 8 lbs to be 105 by December. I've cut out 90% of my cardio and I'm focusing on weights, yoga, and core classes. Wish me luck!

T

better...knock wood

Here is Curtis with the fruit bouquet my parents sent to me for my b'day. I've been fascinated with these things for a while so I was really happy to recieve it. Curtis liked to chew up the purple grapes and spit out the skins and I have been enjoying the rest of it all weekend.

Things are sorta kinda looking up around here. We are still dealing with bugs but Terminix is coming Friday and will hopefully take care of them.

I got an oven off of freecycle this weekend. Curt and his step-bro Richie went and picked it up in Maitland in Richie's truck. It's not as nice looking as mine but it works and was free. So, we moved mine out to the garage because I have not given up on it and I plan to figure out how to get my hands on a replacement thermostat and get it up and running again sometime in the future. Until then, I'm using this freecycled one that works fine and looks so-so.

This AM I went to the Chiro and had an adjustment and accupunture. Then I had a great yoga class at the gym so we had a pretty good morning. Curtis went down for his nap with no trouble and has already been sleeping for almost an hour and a half which is great for him. I cleaned the bathroom and surfed the net and then had a snack of pistacio nuts and strawberries. I'm trying very hard to stay away from junk food and it's difficult. I don't really have any in the house but I did see a half empty bag of chocolate chips in the pantry and can't stop thinking about it. So...here I am.

Yesterday I started a plan to write once a day for about 20-30 mins. I've started a short story and I think I just need dedication to finish it. So that is where I am off to now.

T

squeegee, ridiculous, muffin, and rhinoceros.

It’s a meme I got from my friend Frog. She gave four words and we are to write something about each of them. My words are: squeegee, ridiculous, muffin, and rhinoceros.

Squeegee - Is a very funny word. Not many words have a q and 4 e's in them. I don't own one but when I worked out in Yellowstone Nat. Park I learned from the gas station attendents in the park how to use one on my car windshield in a manner that leaves no spots or streaks. You basically squeegee in an upward motion from the middle of the wiperblades up and curve out towards the side of the car. Hard to explain, but everytime I do it at a gas station I think of Yellowstone Nat. Park.

ridiculous - Is actually a hard one to spell without looking it up. Things around me seem ridiculous a lot of the time. What would the definition be anyway...."deserving ridicule, absurd". Sounds like my life now-a-days.

muffin - I like this word because I love to bake. I try out new recipes all the time and I have a really good blueberry muffin recipe that calls for oats and sour cream. DH hates it because it's a little healthy, but I love it. Right now my oven is broken and I have no idea when or how it will be fixed or replaced. It makes me sad that I can't bake a cake or casserole or bread or even some muffins.

Rhinoceros - This is one of the animals in Curtis' plastic safari animal set that gives me troubles. Who knows what noise a rhino makes? I can do a monkey and elephant and lion and tiger noise but then we get to rhino and I just make a kind of adapted lion roar. Giraffe is another one and for that I make a crunch noise like it might sound eating a leaf from a tree.

***That was random but fun and since I have nothing but complaining to do now-a-days it spared anyone reading from my whiney attitude. If you want to play your words are loaf, necklace, Mary, and calendar. Leave a comment and I'll read what you have to say about it.

T

ugh

Not doing well at all here. More ticks have infested. They came back and sprayed more this AM but it looks like we're going to have to buy a package where they come every other month for a while. Keith next door said he had the same prob and they just got worse not better until he scheduled regular sprays of the house and yard. It'll be $60 a month and that'll be tough.

I've never felt more defeated in my life. I'm not preg, Curtis woke with a cold yesterday, we have bugs, our roof died, our A/C died, my oven is still dead and I turn 31 tomorrow. I'm struggling and Curt can't help because he is also bummed about it all. Actually, he isn't upset at all about not being preg because he thinks it's still early and likes the "trying" best anyway, but he is also pretty bummed about the bugs. I went for a long drive last night at 9:15pm and rolled the windows down and played loud music and tried to quiet the storm in my mind. It didn't work too much but my friend Teri called this am and I talked to her for a while and she gave me a pep talk that helped some. It's usually easier to be logical with other people's problems and I kind of did the same thing for her back in July when she turned 34.

Anyway, I'm going to go burn some candles to get rid of the poison smell in my house and try to clean up a little. I still haven't been grocery shopping this week and have no idea when I'll get there. MIL wants to take me out tomorrow for lunch so we're meeting at Fazoli's since it was my choice. Otherwise, I plan to lay really low for a while.

Neil Young said, "It's hard enough losing with out the confusion of knowing I tried." and boy was he right.

Tara

TTC and AF and all that craziness

This has been one of the worst days for me this year. So much went wrong including my Curtis woke suddenly and unexpectedly sick with a cold, my dog and house are re-infested with ticks (this is our second infestation and these things are freakin bionic we can't get rid of them), I got a low temp, I got spot, and a ton of other little things along the way. At one point I started bawling crying and Curtis came over, looked at me, and started bawling too. He's been extra clingy due to the cold so we hugged and cried together and it actually made me feel a little better.

I POAS this morning to get a BFN and then spot came this afternoon. I saw my chiro this morning and he did some lower back adjustments that he said should help loosen the nerves in my reproductive area to help TTC. I'm scheduled for some accupunture a week from today and he plans to do it on my lower back and abdomin to help "open up" the area. I really love this guy because he's the only medical doc I've ever had that has really listened and cared. I hope what he does helps.

It's only been three months but now each time I get AF I feel like such a failure. I know each time we only have like 25% chance and that it is perfectly average to take this long but since I conceived Curtis on the second try I just feel like it must be something I'm doing wrong. I really didn't want a summer baby in FL. This is such a mind blow.

As I promised myself this next month will be different. I'm focusing on my love for DH and DS and our desire to grow our family and I'm taking the focus off of desperatley temping and checking myself etc. Of course I will be aware of these things, but I PROMISE myself for my own good to relax more about it.

Ok, I wrote a novel because I really needed to vent about this crappy day I had.

T

For some reason this pic wouldn't load.

4th anniversary

Today is my 4th wedding anniversary. We just got back from our long weekend vacation so we decided to go low key. We ordered Chinese and exchanged gifts. We decided weeks ago to make gifts this year. We looked up the traditional gifts for the 4th anniversary, which are flowers and fruit, and made the rule that the gift had to be hand made and incorporate those items in some way. Here are our projects. I made Curt the abstract painting which incorporates some sandollars we found on our vaca and he made me the apple painting. Curt also brought me a bag of mini crunch bars because I've been craving these for weeks and he actually paid attention to what I was saying this time around. Yum!

T

Vaca

Well, we're back from our short vacation. We went for 3 days and 2 nights to New Smyrna beach w/o Curtis. This was our first time away from him over night and it went well.

We rented a condo from Curt's HR lady and she gave us a great deal. The weather was perfect and the sea was a little rough but there was a pool too so we didn't mind at all. The room had cable TV in the living room and bed room so we were loving it (we don't have cable). I stayed up late in the bed room watching food network while Curt was in the living room watching the sci fi channel each night. We got lots of relaxation and time to hang together. We were romantic and playful and relaxed and came home to our happy little son yesterday afternoon.

He did seem a little weird when we first got home but was back to normal in no time. Curt had today off too and I've gotten a ton done while he and Curtis had some time together. I vacuumed and swiffered and used a borrowed carpet shampooer. Tomorrow I plan to take a yoga class at my gym for the first time if I don't chicken out. I haven't officially worked out in 4 days althought playing shuffleboard and frisbee should count for something. I've been wanting to do a yoga class for a while but keep chickening out since I'm so shy at the gym. It's just easier to put on my headphones and run on the treadmill. I think I'll really like the yoga since I loved it when I did it years ago and it should help some with my obsessing over fertility. Still have about 5 days or so before AF is due so we're still waiting to see around here.....it stinks.

Tara

breaking

Everything is breaking around me recently. In the past three months I had to spend $5K on a new A/C, the $3K of our money and $6K of insurance money on a new roof. Today my oven broke on me. What the hell is next? Curt's job is in serious danger. We found out the day before we were supposed to spend the day in Disney and he had to stay and work that day to meet the boss of the company that just took over his company. Who knows what will happen. I'm trying to stay happy and optimistic but it's hard.

We did go to Disney on Saturday instead so we didn't get to see the Wiggles but we spend a long tiring day at the park as you can see.

T

Friends

Let's start this off with a cute pic of my little guy hanging with his three best friends.

I am in a spot right now and I really don't like it. In fact, I really don't like many people right now. Where are all the people I can relate too?

I have a good friend who I can pretty much relate to about almost everything but alas, she lives in Missouri. Unfortunately she is not moving to FL any time soon and I am not moving to Missouri, well, ever.

I have one close friend I hang with regularly here in FL but while she is laid back and nice and cool to be around and talk to, she has a few bad habits that I cannot understand. I try not to judge her but I am a firm believer that drugs and alcohol destroy lives and I hate to see her in denial about such things. So our friendhsip is what it is and nothing more. We are friends but will probably never be closer than we are right now.

I am a member of a message board that I have been on for over 2 years now. I am slightly obessed with the board and the women who post on it and unfortunatley several of them have views on certain topics which I disagree with strongly. There is a bit of a double standard on the board which I have come to accept but it pains me to hold my tongue so. I try to break from the board on a regular basis and find it has a grip on me and my boredom that I cannot easily break. I guess this is my addiction (the internet).

I have had issues with feeling outcast my entire life and I think I bring it on myself at times. Like when I obsess and check my "board" over and over reading post after post of negative defeatist attitudes. There are things I believe in passionately (the benefit of breast feeding, non-induced labor, avoidance of over use of chemicals like meds) that these women don't seem to find that important. I know I don't want a world where everyone agrees with me all the time but I also don't want a world where most people live a life that is completely against my beliefs. How do I rectify this? I have found blogs by women whom I respect very much, but I would also love to meet women like this IRL.

This has been one of my life long struggles.

T

It looks like this TS is headed right at us now. It is supposed to hit ground at a cat 1 in Miami so we are hoping by the time it gets to us it will be less than that. Maybe we will just get strong TS winds and not hurricane winds. I am praying that the damage is little and we don't lose power for long.

So this morning I was packing my gym things in the car while Curtis was playing in the garage. I then got him strapped in and started to back the car out and heard a terrible noise. Then I pulled forward and got out to find out what had happened. Well, apparently Curtis had opened the little door to my gas opening thingy. When I backed out the door folded backward, dented my car, and ripped off. I'm so bummed about it but it's really no one's fault. Maybe I should have been watching him in the garage better, I don't know.

Also this morning I saw my across the street neighbor standing by the curb crying. I walked by and asked if she was ok. She said no and then explained that her next door neighbor just found out she has lung cancer. They have been next door to each other and best friends for 27 years. They both sit on the porch and smoke like crazy so it's not a surprise, but it is still sad. She is starting chemo soon. I am thinking of making a big pot of homemade soup and bringing half to her and the other half to Jill. Maybe just having dinner or lunch taken care of for one day might help out a little. I remember Angie brought soup to me after Curtis came home and I ate it for lunch 3 days in a row and loved it.

So our day isn't going well. I'm not in a good place mentally right now either. Probably those darn hormones and the stress of worrying about the 'cane. Curt and I had a long talk last night about my feeling and he was nice and it felt good to talk about it. I am taking Jill's miscarriage badly. She ended up in the hospital Saturday because she was bleeding so badly. Apparently they did some tests and found out something between her and Rich doesn't agree (chemically) and now they know why it was hard to get preg and it didn't stick. Apparently she is on some shots now that might help out. I am getting this all third hand news so I don't know details but I can't stop thinking about her. On top of it I have become paranoid that there is something wrong with me and I won't be able to get preg ever again. I really want ot experience it all again and have another child so while Curt is fine if we don't get preg again I would take it very hard. He thinks I'm nuts since it's only been 2-3 months, but you know I'm a natural born worrier. My friend Teri has been trying for over a year w/o getting preg and she got preg the first try with her son. Listening to her story and Jill's story makes me worry. I was hoping if I threw myself into working out and cleaning the house it might take my mind off of it, but no such luck.

Speaking of, I borrowed Kimmie's carpet shampooer and I plan to try it out this weekend while Curt takes Curtis to the springs (that is if the weather is ok). Right now I'm going to scrub the tile grout in my kitchen because I'm never done it before and it's sooooo dirty. In fact, all of my floors are so dirty that if Curtis is in socks the bottoms are black by the end of the day. Yuck!

Tara

good day

I feel like I never post here happy so here goes...

Curtis had three nights in a row of night wakings which lead to me sleeping on his floor for half the night. Well, last night he slept through and today he took a LONG nap at 1 and 3/4 hours. He was so much easier to deal with as a well rested kid. He didn't fight the dipe changes or getting dressed or anything. It's amazing how kids can go from sleeping terribly to getting lots of sleep in just a days time.

We went to the gym and had a good workout this morning (well, he played in the child area). Then we went to the mall play area to meet a girl whom I bought a stroller from. It was $25 and a little newer and in better shape then mine. It also had some extra features like a slide off tray table that I wanted. Well, at the play area I bumped into MIL. We've been having issues but we just put them aside. She was there with my two step-nieces and we all ended up going to the food court for lunch. She bought all three kids kiddie meals at Chik-fil-A.

Then after we were home and Curtis was napping the roofers called and said they are coming to start on our new roof tomorrow. Yipppeee! They said tomorrow they tear it off and Sunday it will be inspected for dryness. Then they will be back on Monday to put the new roof on. I called DH to tell him and we decided to go to the beach tomorrow so we won't be stuck here listening to them pound all day. We only live 45 min from the beach yet we don't go very often so I'm excited. The last time we went was in June so Curtis may have even more fun and there is a cool restaurant there right on the beach that you eat at outside with great food. I'm already excited about it.

I guess my point it....I am having a good day.

T

introspective

We had MNO last night but only 2 other girls showed up. After a short while it became clear that I was the only one who didn't smoke pot or drink every night. Am I the only one who thinks drugs and alcohol ruin lives? Am I the only one who thinks it's wrong to get high while your toddler is sleeping in the next room? One girl has been TTC for almost 2 years and is just nowing trying to quit. She says she can't sleep w/o it and yet denies being addicted. The denial is amazing. I left feeling disgusted, outcast, and sad.

Curtis hasn't slept well in three nights. He's up crying a bunch and I eventually just go to sleep on the floor in his room. I am beginning to worry becuase he hasn't had trouble sleeping in a long time. DH thinks it's just teeth or growing pains and maybe he's right but I still worry and pray about it.

So this morning I'm all introspective. I worked out long and hard at the gym and realized that I am over critical of myself and others all the time and that I also have anger issues. I don't want to be that type of person. I decided that everytime I criticize someone, whether outloud or in my head, I need to follow it with an instant compliment. I had to use this twice as I watch two women at the gym. I figure if I catch myself everytime and reverse the criticism maybe I will eventually stop being so critical and negative. I'm big onto long term solutions right now. I'm just pluggin away at the gym hoping and waiting to gain more endurance, we keep doing the deed and hoping for a + preg test soon, and I will keep my mental state in check until I no longer need to.

I want to also join the anger support group at church and sign up for the Spanish class at the SCC campus near my house. This is my game plan. I figured it might help me to write it all down.

T

funk

I am using every bit of strength I have to muster up a moderate amount of optimism today. I am in a definite funk for sure. This AM was ok. We did a walk with the dog, the gym, and the library. I don't know why I punish myself by taking Curtis to story time at the library. I guess it's wishful thinking. I need to just give up on it for a little for sure. He is just too wild to sit for puppets and stories. Otherwise he was ok.

I did a lot of thinking last night and realized that I have a whole heck of a lot of anger inside of me. Mostly for things from the past (my Dad mostly but other stuff too). Now that I realize that the issue is really anger not depression, what to do????? I was hoping working out at the gym would help but that has only helped a little bit. I'm toying with the idea of going to the Anger and Anxiety group Tuesday nights at my church.

Ok, well, I'd better get my shower in before 'Wild Thing' wakes up.

T

bored?

Is anyone else bored? I mean I feel like I have nothing to look forward to, if that makes any sense. My DH gets all excited before his soccer games each week. I can see it in him and honestly I'm jealous. I go to my gym most week days and I do go to the park and shopping and such, but it feels like everything is a chore lately. I told DH that I think I'm nearing mommy-burnout. I spend so much of my week killing time with my son and desperatley trying to come up with ideas to keep us both busy and it's just not cutting it. I guess it doesn't help that my son is almost 20 months and very high needs. I do things for myself (working out, monthly nights out with my girlfriends, vegging out in front of the TV or computer nightly) but I still feel so bored. I feel so selfish for complaining because, for one thing I only have one child, and my DH doesn't necessarily work long hours and he does try to chip in around the house. I wonder if everyone else doubts thier ability to be a good SAH mother/wife. This is the best job I've ever had and yet I still feel like I'm not cutting it.

Tara

forgot

I forgot to mention that I finally gave Curtis a buzz cut. I've been toying with the idea for a while now. I hate it when his hair gets all sweaty and sticky so I just cut it on the longest setting our clippers have. I think it looks good and I'll never pay $ to have it cut by a salon again. Here's a look.

Tara

surrounded by sickness

Curtis is working on week two of a nasty chest cough. I did finally cave in and take him to the PED but she said what I thought. He just has a lingering cough. He's not sick really. So $15 co-pay was wasted and they didn't even have an samples to give me. Bahhh!

Curt was really sick earlier this week and actually stayed home from work and missed soccer yesterday. You know things aren't good when he does that. The doc was flaky with him and diagnosed him with allergies even though we are both sure it's not that.

So Curt is back at work today. His fever is gone but he still sounds all irritated in the throat. Hopefully it will not linger long. I keep waiting to get sick with all this illness around me. I'm washing my hands a ton, taking airborne most days, working out at the gym, and trying to eat healthy. I figure a good offense is the best defense.

Tara

worst day

I had the crappiest day yesterday. I'll tell you about it backwards. I woke up at 2 am after finally taking nyquil to fall asleep last night after 3 nights of insomnia and walked right into the bathroom door. We usually keep it open but DH closed it because....

Our toliet exploded on me before my shower last night and sprayed water all over me and my bathroom. It continued to make gurgling noises all night so DH closed the door to be able to sleep. He works a later shift today so he and Curtis are over at Lowe's trying to figure out how to fix it.

Before that I got my period.

Before that I taught the worst group of boys in Sunday School. I had to raise my voice several times and put one kid in time out about 5 times. I've never had a class like that before. Then I had to talk to his parents about him and they were kind of defensive. I hope they don't become regulars, as horrible as that sounds.

Before that my garage door broke and would only open and close if you held the button down, causing me to be late for Sunday School. DH has already fixed this prob.

Before that my DH abandoned me. We were supposed to go get haircuts for Curtis and I after his nap. Well I wanted to finish vacuuming and told them to wait outside for me. 5 min later I go out and they're gone. I kept checking on them and an hour later they show up. They were at our neighbors house. Apparently Curt forgot that quickly about the haircuts and went over to hang with Ken and Brandley to, "give me a break".

During that time I did a bunch of stuff. I wiped my fan blades (something I hardly ever do), I mopped (my old way, but it's better then nothing right?), wiped down my doors (I thought my friends were crazy for this one but I did get some smudges off), got all the cobwebs off the porch, and maybe a few other things.

I cried myself to a Nyquil induced sleep last night from all my frustration (and probably hormones).

Tara

all done

Well, it's official, I am no longer a breast feeding mother. It's been a little less than 48 hours since Curtis nursed last. I kept feeling like he was telling me he was done. He refused several times over the past two weeks and when he did nurse it would be a couple sucks and done. I think it's important that I listen to him, especially if I want him to listen to me. I feel both sad and gald. I'm confused and can't quite believe we're done. I keep trying to remember the last time he nursed really well, but I can't. I'm hoping this was the right thing to do. I love him so much. It's so hard to explain.

Here he is enjoying carvel.
T

Here we are watching the parade on the 4th of July. You probably can't see but Curtis has two fistfulls of candy. They threw it from the firetrucks and he had a balst collecting it for Mommy!!! ;)

monday

The gym went great this morning. Curtis seems pretty comfy there now and it's only been a week. I'm a little sad because he has started refusing to nurse during the day. I nurse him twice a day, once before nap and once before bed, but recently he won't take the boob before nap and asks for his binky instead. I think he is weaning himself and part of me is glad and part of me feels sad. Why would my little boy want that binky over his mommy? I'm wondering how much longer we will go. I can't even believe I've gone 19 months considering my goal was 6 months. I never would have guessed.

Curt started his new schedule today. Now he works 11-7 on Mondays and 7-4 the rest of the week. I think I'm gonna hate it this afternoon but this morning was nice. I went grocery shopping and left the two of them here. It was much easier w/o Curtis with me.

T

TGIF

The gym went much better today. Curtis threw a fit when I left, but when I came back to pick him up I snuck in and got to see him playing matchbox cars with another little boy. It was all boys in there today so it's no wonder he had fun. She said he really hardly cried at all. We pulled Curt's matchbox cars back out recently since I think Curtis can handle them better now w/o them being as big of a choking hazard. He absolutely loves them. I had bought a cake pan shaped like a car at a yard sale months ago, and I know it's early, but I think I'll do a car theme for his 2nd b'day party. I could make the car shaped cake and have matchbox cars as the favors for the kids.
Curt's work is having some problem with some employees (not him of course) and they are now changing things around. Now he has to work 11-7 on Mondays. I was really disappointed at first but now that I'm thinking of it more I think I will use that time for grocery shopping. I usually go on Monday and now I could leave Curtis home with Curt and it would be much easier. Then I could just go to the gym at 10:30 instead of 9:30 like I have been. It will still be hard doing Curtis' dinner and bath w/o Curt's help, but I guess since it's only one day a week I'll deal with it. We really like having dinner together and will miss that, but as I said, it's only once a week. Plus.....get this....the big boss came in from Atlanta to address the issues and make changes and gave Curt another raise!!! Nothing huge, but apparently only a few of them got raises to show how they are the ones that aren't causing problems. I guess a few people have been spoken to on several occasions and are still making the same mistakes. Curt came out of the surprise visit with no mistakes on his reports and a 4% raise starting in August. We are both so happy and now Curt really feels good about having another baby. I know it could take a while but I'm hoping it doesn't take too long to get preg because I'd like to avoid being preg in June, July, and August if possible. This is probably another thing, though, that I need to give up control on and just take things as they come.

T

hello there

The gym went better today. He wasn't even crying when I picked him up. She said he cried some but was much better than yesterday. Here's what I'm doing per my trainer's advice. Three days a week I do weights. Twice (M,F) I do upper body and once (W) I do lower body. I do 30 min of cardio everyday before the weights. I've been breaking it up with 15 min on the eliptical and 15 on the treadmill. Then on Tues and Thurs when I don't do weights I am on a hydro therapy bed. I was on it for the first time today and it's awsome. It's like a single water bed with a line of jets that shoot and run from toes to head and back, over and over. It's kind of like a massage. I left today with a kid who wasn't tear stained and nice massaged muscles so I'm in a good mood, even if I'm a little sore from working out.

T

Tara

poo

Check out what happened to us today. We're playing and I'm getting ready for my first day at my new gym. Suddenly Curtis is screaming and crying. I didn't see him fall or hit himself or anything. I hug him and he is hugging me hard and crying hard. I smelled something so I thought maybe his diaper is dirty and bugging him. Well, TMI but, he had a hard poo half in and half out. I rubbed his belly but nothing happened and he was crying so hard. I tried putting him on the potty thinking that position would help, but nothing. Finally he ended up over my lap as if I was about to spank him. I rubbed his back but ended up just getting TP and pulling the hard poop out of him! His little bum was all red. I'm guessing he was constipated. For lunch I gave him watermelon, a slice of chicken, and graham crackers. I think I'll give him juice and an apple when he wakes. I'm trying to think of things to help his poo soften up so if you know of anything please tell me.

At the gym I did an orientation work out with a trainer for an hour. I learned a lot of the machines and how to use them. I heard Curtis cry three times from the daycare area. The lady in there was Cuban and had an accent so she was hard to understand but from what she did say I take it Curtis wanted her to hold him the whole time. She said he got jealous when she held the little 6 week old baby in there. He smells like perfume now and it bugs me. I am pleased though that I was there for an hour w/o her coming and telling me I had to take him.

Curtis now says snack. It sounds like nack. He asks for one a lot so I feel like he's hungry but then he doesn't eat. He also has a bunch of words added recently. He says tanks for thanks (proud mama here), all done, get down, in there, and more I can't remember. Recently he's gone from just describing an object with a word ("doggie") to actually expressing wants and needs ("all done").

T

help me

I'm having a supercrap day. Things with MIL have escalated and I'm stressed out. We are probably going to go see a counselor at my church because I'm afraid to talk to her alone. I'm so torn up and depressed about this. My family is full of issues so we moved down here to be close to Curt's family. They were supposed to be different. I know my MIL has had issues with Curt's step-sister and I always was so happy she wasn't getting into it with me. Well, now she is. I hate conflict and I am sick about this. I've been crying off and on all day.

On top of it all Curtis is being so cranky today. I told him that his Mommy was stressed out but he still won't give me a break . I went and signed up at a local gym today and was hoping to get a short work out in but they won't let you work out until you've had a physical fitness assesment and training on all the equipment. I understand and I'm looking forward to it but they couldn't schedule it until Monday. So my membership starts in July. I'm excited about it but also nervous about Curtis going in the daycare. The assessment is supposed to be 45 min but I wonder if he'll last that long. If not they said they would work with me and maybe do the last half another day.

I'm going to go with three girlsfriends to get sushi and beer tonight. I honestly keep thinking I just want to get drunk. I'm so stressed and sad and disappointed etc about all this MIL stuff that I just keep thinking about drinking. I knwo that's so unhealthy, especially for a former drug addict.

T

Monday Monday

Here are my guys last week on Father's day.

Having a rough one today. My DH is at the doctor right now. If you knew him, you would know how sick he must be. He never goes to the doc so when he asked me this morning to make him an appointment I knew it must be bad. I am praying that he doesn't have strep throat because I don't want to have to quarrentine him.

I got AF this morning and feel crappy as usual. It's always the first day of AF that kills me. And if anyone can tell me why my calves hurt so much during AF I'd love to figure that out.

Curtis hit 18 months and became a handful. He can be so cool and cute but most of the time he is so stubborn and angry. His anger worries me for such a young age. If something doesn't go his way he becomes a child who hits, throws things, bites, and screams. Maybe this is normal toddler behavior but I am thinking he is a bit above normal in these ways. I'm reading a book called How to Parent Your Spirited Child or something like that so we'll see if I can learn anything that will help.

T