Wednesday, October 18, 2006

cookies and beyond

Well, here they are. Curt loved them but Curtis didn't seem to like them much. They are good in sort of a basic kind of way. I used non-pareils instead of sanding sugar and I don't really like them. They stain your hand. Maybe a nice colored sugar would work better. I wasn't blown away by these cookies but they are pretty good. I guess I just like cookies with chocolate in them! I gave a few to a friend who is on bed rest so she should be enjoying them tonight.

I've had a rough few days. I'm not going into details I guess, but I'm now in super anxiety panic attack mode. I'm afraid to be alone but the prob is Curt is now working this new job which causes him to work long hours. He was able to pull away a little earlier tonight and we went on a bike ride as a family before dinner which was super nice. I just crave his attention and time right now because I'm feeling very alone and he is truly the only person I feel comfortable with right now. When I'm alone with Curtis, I just feel so anxious and like I want to climb out of my own skin or something.

I know this is all about stress. I've had many stressors lately but the biggest one is the pressure I feel to get pregnant now. It's been 4 months of trying and I am now worried. I feel like there is a weight on me that won't be lifted until I can get pregnant. I don't know how to stop obsessing about this at all. I have tried everything including throwing myself into other things but it is still always there like and undercurrent to my life. It doesn't help that by some ironic twist everyone around me seems to be getting preg on accident or w/o trying hard. I swear every show on TV is about pregnancy and every song I hear and I feel like I'm being tested here and failing big time.

Tomorrow we are skipping the gym and going to the zoo. I met a woman at the park a week or two ago and we hit it off. Her son is a little younger than Curtis but they are close in size. She seems a little more on my level with parenting things than the other moms I've met and hung with lately. I'm hopeful that we'll have a good time and maybe strike up a friendship. I could really use a non-judgmental, non-bitchy, non-pregnant or trying friend right now. At the very least I'm sure we'll enjoying checking out the zoo. I bet Curtis will love seeing the monkeys again.

He says pumpkin now. He sees them in people's yards or decorations and it sounds like 'pum-bin' when he says it. It is really cute. His vocabulary is growing each day and he blows me away with words all out of the blue a lot now.



Anonymous said...

That's great about meeting someone you hit it off with. I totally can relate to that. Emilie just turned 4, so lately I have been doing a lot of drop off playdates which with some of her friend's parents makes things so much easier and me more comfortable. I just don't see eye to eye with them on a lot of things, but feel it wouldn't be fair to deprive Emilie of their kids who she gets along with and likes a lot. We just met a girl her age at the park and I hit it off with her instantly. They just moved here from Indiana. Something about native Michiganders, I don't know. LOL! I seem to gravitate towards people who moved here from somewhere else.

Anyway, this is your blog not mine. LOL!

Have fun at the zoo! Em and I are off to my club(I workout and she loves the kids center) and then off to a playdate both of us(this mom is cool!).

Adam(in cold,rainy Michigasn)

Taradactyl in a Modern World said...

It was a bust. Who would have thought it would be 90 degrees out this time of year? The craziness of FL fall, one day 70 the next day 90. We did have fun at the mall playarea though.

jennifer said...

what beautiful cookies! wish i lived closer so i could have one!

Heater said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so much stress. I have a suggestion re: trying to get pregnant. Feel free to accept or reject as you see fit.

I recently had some training on affirmations and visualization, and while it sounds cheesy and dumb, it was actually quite good. (And believe me, I've been through enough crappy professional development presentations....)

Anyway, the gist is that you visualize yourself as you want to be, from your own perspective -- so you're not looking at yourself from an outsider's POV. (For example, I was doing fitness visualizations, but in order to see my fantastic muscles well, I had to look in a mirror -- make sense? So I would visualize walking to the bathroom and looking in the mirror and seeing myself all fit -- which I wasn't yet, but that's the point.) The theory is that you see yourself a certain way which conflicts with reality. Your brain doesn't like conflict and does what it can to make everything all fit together nicely, and so it will do what it can to make your visualization and reality match.

It was recommended to do just before and/or after sleeping, as everything is kind of groggy (susceptible?) at that time. It's not a one-shot elixir, but I have found success with it, as have others who were at my training. Feel free to ask questions if it doesn't make sense.