Wednesday, October 11, 2006

1/3 life crisis

Assuming I live to be 90ish, I'm 1/3 through my life now.

I just don't know about this anymore. This trying to get preg thing is starting to get to me again. I can't seem to quiet that tiny voice of hope in my mind even though I know I'm not preg this cycle. I just know it. Yet, still I have that tiny hope. It is so defeating to try over and over and fail each time. There is no C+ in TTC, it is a pass or fail subject and so far I'm about 4 F's into it. The funny thing is when we were trying for Curtis I told DH that we would give ourselves 6 months before we got worried. Then it happened on the second try. So this time I just assumed it would be fast and didn't prepare myself for this at all. I know four tries isn't much compared to some but it is a complete mind screw. I am a faithful Christian and yet I cannot get over my sadness that there are so many caring healthy women trying and trying with nothing happening while crack heads and teenagers get preg "by accident". I know I was not meant to understand but I still strive for this understanding I can never reach. I am sure one day I will look back on these feeling and cringe, but today is today not the future.

On another Martha's oatmeal cupcakes today because I couldn't for the life of me find oat bran at the publix. I guess I'm going to have to try Economy Health or Chamberline's or something. I was so ready too....soon I hope to be posting about a delicious Martha's cupcake.

I did pick up a few canvas boards with a coupon and giftcard at Joanne's today. I love the fact that my gym is right next to Joanne's. First craft shopping and then namaste. A perfect combo in my book. I feel crafty but nothing has really come to me recently until this AM when I was in the garage and got hit by an idea to paint. So what the heck am I doing here whining on this computer you ask? I do not know....


1 comment:

jennifer said...

i thought of a joy for not being preggers yet!:) if you got preg now you would be due in the heat of the summer! If it takes 3 or more months you will be due in the fall! much cooler!:) remember you get extra hot when pg! but i hope it happens sooner just to ease your mind! i know the stress it can be!