Happy Halloween!

This is one tough guy here. He's not even 2 yet and he can handle a mohawk and a tattoo. I can't believe his mommy approved of this!

banana bread and stromboli

Well, I never could get that carvel picture to upload, but this one is even better really. I have a friend in my local Mom's group that is a professional photographer. She took this pic of Curtis for us for fall so I thought I'd share.

Yesterday we gave him a mohawk for his halloween costume and it was a disaster. He screamed and cried the whole time I cut it and I don't think it really looks that good on him. Curt likes it but I just think he doesn't have the head shape or hair type to pull it off really. I have no idea how I'll fix it after halloween since I'd really rather not shave him completely bald. Oh well, we certainly went noticed at the Fall Festival yesterday.

I never got my Martha recipe done so I guess I'm a week behind. I have brown bananas so I'm going right now to make a banana bread and tomorrow I'm making stromboli for a halloween party. It's an afternoon party for a Mom's group on Monday and most people are bringing sweets (cupcakes, cookies, etc) so I decided to mix it up and balance it out with a stromboli. It seems like good toddler/mommy food to me. I'm planning to make two so I can bring one and save one for us for dinner that night. I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm also feeling much more positive this weekend. I'm trying to stay optimistic and focusing on the things I have rather than the things I don't. Seriously, my marriage is so great right now (he is the kindest most faithful rock of a husband) and Curt and I are probably at the healthiest point physically that we've ever been (mostly due to diet, supplements, and excerisize). Also Curtis is still super cute and fun (even with his bad haircut) so I really do have a lot to be thankful for. The weather here is perfect this time of year and it'd just be a shame to be inside feeling sorry for myself when I could be out playing.

T

tailspin

Pictures still wn't load for me. Blogger and Yahoo are both being stupid lately (no offense blogger).

Another friend is preggo w/o trying. I found out yesterday and it sent me for a tailspin. I was late for a playdate so I had to slap myself around a little (not literally) and get it together to go. I got to the playdate house and the Mom ends up telling me she just got post partum AF and figures she'll be preggo again by New Years. She has a 2.5 y.o.and a 10 month old.

I believe this is some sort of cruel joke on me. Seriously, before I started trying I knew maybe one or two people who were or who got preg. Then a few months into trying it started as a baby boom around me. Seriously, if you want to get pregnant just send me an email because everyone else around me is and if you contact me it probably will happen for you right away. Maybe it's just contact with me that makes all these people get preg w/o trying or on first try. I'm trying to remain positive and relax and all the other annoying advice people have given me but really I just want to scream and yell and punch something (or someone maybe). I want to tell the world to go to hell and crawl under a rock and cry for hours all alone, but I don't and I can't so I put one foot in front of the other and take each day as it comes.

I am fertile right now, my OPK says so. I am hopeful and trying to use Heater's suggestion of affirmations and visualization to help me. I keep telling myself that this is the month and everything is coming together perfectly. TG Curt's travel was postponed until next week. We are both healthier than we have ever been and our relationship is super strong (as always). Curtis is growing like a weed and is lots of fun right now. My life is pretty great aside from the fact that I very much want to grow my family right NOW! Yes, patience is not my strength, and the fact that the entire female population around me is concieveing children left and right regardless of effort or readiness does not help my mental state at all.

Are you bored with me yet? I certainly am. We're going to a Fall festival today in Winter Park, FL even though it is cloudy and rained all last night. Who needs the sun when there is a famer's market and pumpkin patch to be explored?

T

I heart Carvel

Yesterday we went to a thirft shop and a consignment shop looking for a few more items for fall. Curtis and I both were in need of some new cool weather clothes. We made out great. We got two pants for Curtis, 3 shirts for me, a stack of books, and a old fashioned cookie press like my Mom uses every year for Christmas cookies. All of this was only $8 total.

So, since the consignment shop is in the same plaza as Carvel, we just had to stop for a kid's sized cone. We shared the cone but in the end I finally decided that Curtis is big enough to hold his own ice cream cone. He had so much fun eating it and begged me over and over to put different color sprinkles on from the giant sprinkle tower they have. We ate way too much sugar yesterday so today I'm trying to cut back on it a bunch today. So far so good.

I still have one day to make a Martha recipe this week for the challenge. I'm hoping to pick up some butter today or tomorrow and try the shortbread recipe. I meant to go get some after the gym this morning and forgot. Jeez, one week in and I'm already slacking on my challenge.

T

PS - Blogger is being difficult so I'll post a pic later of Curtis eating his cone.

MIA

I've been MIA for a few days. I haven't been here on the computer a lot, which is a good thing.

Yesterday I whipped up a batch of regular old chocolate chip cookies for a snack. We brought a few over to a friend's house and her and her son chowed down on them. Otherwise not much coming out of my kitchen that is too exciting this week. I need to make my weekly Martha recipe but I forgot a few things at the store and haven't been back since. I might go to costco this afternoon so I might get some chocolate shortbread fingers out by the weekend.

I'm still trying to decide what to make for the halloween party we are going to Monday. I can't decide whether to do appetizer or dessert but I'm leaning toward appetizer.

Really not much going on in my head this week. Maybe since I was so loaded down with stress last week my brain is on hiatus. I did see my church couselor Monday night and it went well. I will be going every Monday and we are working on my interpersonal relationship issues and my anger issues. It's good stuff. She thinks that I've never felt or been validated and that is why I yearn so strongly for like minded people.

Ok, got a headache. Gotta get off this computer now.

T

focus

Here is a recent painting I did of Mary and the baby Jesus. My wonderful husband found an inexpensive frame and put it in for me. I really wanted to do a painting of baby Jesus but I don't do realism well so this is my interpretation.

Today I went back to Joann's as I had more coupons and bought Curt some drawing supplies. He's so good and really likes drawing and sketching at night after Curtis goes down. It helps him unwind after work etc. I like him having the supplies, but they can be expensive so the coupons are a must.

Anyway, after shopping I stopped next door at my gym just to lie on the hydro therapy bed for a little 20 min massage. I got to thinking and came up with an idea. I decided the new focus of my life is to get stronger and reduce stress for myself and my family. Like at the gym I am doing only strength training and yoga because any cardio I do seems to shave off pounds that I need to keep. Also I love the hydro therapy bed there and it is very comforting and relaxing. Also all the crafts and creative things I do help me to feel stronger and more relaxed. I want to try to focus on strength and stress reduction in any free time I have from now on.

T

creative

This whole family is creative. A girl from my local moms group posted a link to this holiday craft idea. It's the first time I've seen something Curtis could sort of do. He did the hand prints and I touched up and did the rest. We're hanging it on the door.

I also let him use the new finger paints and tried to get a pic but didn't get a good one. He was a mess afterwards!

T

cookies and beyond

Well, here they are. Curt loved them but Curtis didn't seem to like them much. They are good in sort of a basic kind of way. I used non-pareils instead of sanding sugar and I don't really like them. They stain your hand. Maybe a nice colored sugar would work better. I wasn't blown away by these cookies but they are pretty good. I guess I just like cookies with chocolate in them! I gave a few to a friend who is on bed rest so she should be enjoying them tonight.

I've had a rough few days. I'm not going into details I guess, but I'm now in super anxiety panic attack mode. I'm afraid to be alone but the prob is Curt is now working this new job which causes him to work long hours. He was able to pull away a little earlier tonight and we went on a bike ride as a family before dinner which was super nice. I just crave his attention and time right now because I'm feeling very alone and he is truly the only person I feel comfortable with right now. When I'm alone with Curtis, I just feel so anxious and like I want to climb out of my own skin or something.

I know this is all about stress. I've had many stressors lately but the biggest one is the pressure I feel to get pregnant now. It's been 4 months of trying and I am now worried. I feel like there is a weight on me that won't be lifted until I can get pregnant. I don't know how to stop obsessing about this at all. I have tried everything including throwing myself into other things but it is still always there like and undercurrent to my life. It doesn't help that by some ironic twist everyone around me seems to be getting preg on accident or w/o trying hard. I swear every show on TV is about pregnancy and every song I hear and I feel like I'm being tested here and failing big time.

Tomorrow we are skipping the gym and going to the zoo. I met a woman at the park a week or two ago and we hit it off. Her son is a little younger than Curtis but they are close in size. She seems a little more on my level with parenting things than the other moms I've met and hung with lately. I'm hopeful that we'll have a good time and maybe strike up a friendship. I could really use a non-judgmental, non-bitchy, non-pregnant or trying friend right now. At the very least I'm sure we'll enjoying checking out the zoo. I bet Curtis will love seeing the monkeys again.

He says pumpkin now. He sees them in people's yards or decorations and it sounds like 'pum-bin' when he says it. It is really cute. His vocabulary is growing each day and he blows me away with words all out of the blue a lot now.

T

could be better, could be worse

Well, another month gone and no baby. I'm disappointed but still feeling faithful. The only way I've learned to deal is to throw myself into non-reproductive interests. So here goes...

I just got out of the kitchen after putting the icebox butter cookies in the icebox. Here they are right before going in. Since there was an overwhelming decision in the vote (3-0 for icebox cookies) I picked up some parchment and butter (yes real butter this time) today and got to work. The recipe calls for the optional addition of shaved chocolate or crushed nuts but I finally decided today to just make them plain. If they turn out good I'm thinking of using them for a halloween party and decorating them with orange sugar on the rim. I'll bake them either later today or tomorrow and I'll be sure to update you as soon as I can.

If you believe in prayer, please pray for us during this trying journey in our lives. Thanks.

T

Help

I need help picking a recipe to try for next week. I'll give a few choices and I need you guys to vote in the comments. I went through the copy of Martha Stewart's Baking book I have from the library and picked a few that seemed interesting and not too hard.

Chocolate Shortbread Fingers
Lemon Sugar Snaps
Icebox Butter Cookies
Jam Crumb Bars

Let me know which you think should go first.

T

bicycle

Check out what we've been doing. I put this seat on the back of my bike on Monday and have been taking a ride with Curtis every afternoon since. We both really enjoy it and the weather has been just perfect for a late afternoon bike ride.

T

Please Comment

I just looked at my site meter and I have a bunch of hits here but hardly any comments. So, I'm asking you to comment. It doesn't matter what you say just say hi or something. I know a couple friends have mentioned reading this and it's out here for any and everyone so let me know you're out there, ok?

T

Latest Ironic Addition

We have a new family member here at the Fisher house (irony #1). Please meet Bobby the beta fish. Curtis picked him out and named him all by himself. We already very much enjoy watching him swim and feeding him smelly fish flakes everyday. He inspired the following work of short fiction from me today (irony #2).

Ironic short story about Bobby

I was sitting and staring into Bobby's bowl the other day. I looked around at the white rocks and small plant in there and began to wonder if fish can feel bordom. I sat and stared into his bowl for a while thinking about this.

T

Cupcakes

They're done! My first Martha recipe turned out good. They taste great in my opinion, but I love oatmeal cookies.

I'm sending a few to work with DH tomorrow because his manager always asks for my oatmeal macaroons when I make them so I figure maybe she'll like these too. Plus I got 2 dozen of them so I may as well share!

The recipe says it makes 2 1/2 dozen, but I did not measure the cupcakes out precisely so I got 2 dozen. It was just too hard to measure 2 1/2 tblsps of one batter and 1 1/2 tblsps of the other, so I eyed it. The only problem I had, if you can call it a problem, is that it took a while for my brown sugar to blend with the white sugar and butter. There were hard "rocks" of brown sugar that I had to mush on the side of the bowl with my spatula. No big deal though really. For a Martha recipe this was actually quite quick and easy for the most part. The only ingredient I couldn't find at Publix was wheat bran, but I didn't look super hard since a little boy I was with was really whiney at the time. I went to Economy Health this AM for yogurt (a whole other story) and picked some up there for super cheap.

All in all I am very happy about this and plan to do another Martha recipe next week. If you are a Martha fan and have a suggestion feel free to leave it in the comments.

T

1/3 life crisis

Assuming I live to be 90ish, I'm 1/3 through my life now.

I just don't know about this anymore. This trying to get preg thing is starting to get to me again. I can't seem to quiet that tiny voice of hope in my mind even though I know I'm not preg this cycle. I just know it. Yet, still I have that tiny hope. It is so defeating to try over and over and fail each time. There is no C+ in TTC, it is a pass or fail subject and so far I'm about 4 F's into it. The funny thing is when we were trying for Curtis I told DH that we would give ourselves 6 months before we got worried. Then it happened on the second try. So this time I just assumed it would be fast and didn't prepare myself for this at all. I know four tries isn't much compared to some but it is a complete mind screw. I am a faithful Christian and yet I cannot get over my sadness that there are so many caring healthy women trying and trying with nothing happening while crack heads and teenagers get preg "by accident". I know I was not meant to understand but I still strive for this understanding I can never reach. I am sure one day I will look back on these feeling and cringe, but today is today not the future.

On another note....no Martha's oatmeal cupcakes today because I couldn't for the life of me find oat bran at the publix. I guess I'm going to have to try Economy Health or Chamberline's or something. I was so ready too....soon I hope to be posting about a delicious Martha's cupcake.

I did pick up a few canvas boards with a coupon and giftcard at Joanne's today. I love the fact that my gym is right next to Joanne's. First craft shopping and then namaste. A perfect combo in my book. I feel crafty but nothing has really come to me recently until this AM when I was in the garage and got hit by an idea to paint. So what the heck am I doing here whining on this computer you ask? I do not know....

T

One more thing

My boy is defnitely an Eagles fan no matter where we live!

Monday

Oh my I have written a post in my head 100 times today and now I'm here with 4 mins to post and nothing coming out.

This is a terrible picture but the battery died in my camera before I could get a close up so this is what you get on the yoga mat bag.

First off if one more person says to me that "it" will happen when the time is right I'm going to go balistic. Yes I realize that "it" will happen when the time is right. Don't you think I've already thought that? Don't you think the time is right NOW? I certainly do. Now go away until you have something intelligent or sympathetic to say.

Second off, Curtis must be coming down with something because he is Mr. whiney grouchy pants today. I did finally get the seat put on the back of my bike and I took him out for a ride on it. It was much more difficult than I assumed to get it on and I had difficulties balancing once on the bike myself. Probably since we are a combined 125 lbs on the bike, 25 of those being right above the back wheel. He was so quiet back there is his hand-me-down pink girl's bike helmet. I asked him a couple of times if he was ok and he just said, "mmmmmmmm". Since he pretty much cried and clinged to me like a baby monkey all morning, I considered this to be a positive response and biked around the block a few times.

The yoga mat bag is done and was in use this AM at yoga class. I still need to add the draw string but since it works w/o it I'm afraid it may never get put in since I'm just that way. I need a new sewing project badly. I hope to get some time to skim blogs and steal ideas tomorrow.

Going shopping tomorow I hope. As long as Terminix let's me leave the dog in the back yard I should be ok. Then I'm tackling my first Martha Stewat recipe. I can't wait. I am so obsessed with Martha right now. I need a subscription so badly. MIL said she had some things like frequent flyer miles for magazines or something and she's gonna see if she can get me a subscription. I'll post if I bake the cupcakes tomorrow.

T

oh no

Last month I got a feeling about a week and a half before AF was due that I wasn't preg. Just this evening I had that same feeling. An overwhelming disappointing saddness where I feel like I just know it didn't happen. I don't want to let it get me down but the truth is it does. I feel so low now because I told myself I'd trust my intuition this month. This is the first time this month that I've acutally thought about how it would feel to not be preg again and it's a bit overwhelming. I wonder if it ever gets easier. I wonder what we're doing wrong since my cycles are so regular and we time BD so right. I wonder why I'm so invested in this mentally when logically I know it will be ok if it waits a few more months to happen. I am a SAHM and I feel bored and I feel like I've invested so much in getting preg again that every month that it doesn't happen just leaves me with more time to wonder what's worng and what I should be doing abou it.
Just some overwhelming thougts. Thanks for letting me vent.

a little of this and that

I'm having a couple of anti-people days in a row. Yesterday I was treated so poorly at Walmart that I've decided to join in on the boycott of said establishment. Today I've encountered two people who were rude in very shallow uncaring ways and I'm now questioning the goodness of people and feel the need to begin a few days of reclusion (is that a word?).

I am supposed to be sewing my yoga mat bag right now but mistakenly left the fabric I intend to use in my son's closest and he is napping. I wouldn't dare go in there and risk waking him so it'll have to wait until tomorrows' nap time. After writing this I do plan to go make some cornbread muffins because last time I made them Curtis (this picky eatter son of mine) loved them. If you want to know I plan to use this idea/pattern for the mat bag http://www.figandplum.com/archives/000016.html. I'll post about it when/if it gets done.

Right now I'm kind of on a Martha Stewart fix. I was given a couple of old Martha Stewart Living magazines recently and just can't get enough of them. That woman can throw a party. I would never attempt what she does but it is somehow satistfying to just read about it and enjoy all the fancy pictures. I don't have much of an opinion about her troubles and I have heard she is a control freak, but I don't really care as long as she keeps throwing these great parties and offering up these recipes for me to read and ogle and perhaps some day try. I was recommended this recipe http://www.marthastewart.com/page.jhtml?type=content&id=recipe2210055 and as soon as I go shopping next week I will be trying it out. They sound like something I would love with the oatmeal and coconut and all. I'll let you know about these too.

So that's it here in the land of the dinosaurs. Definitely feeling prehistoric today after my anti-people feeling combined with my workout at the gym. I'm doing muscle building stuff like crazy and drinking protein shakes so I had better start gaining weight here soon. Also snuck a 15 min lay on the hydrotherapy bed which was good for these tired muscles of mine.

T

TV

Here is Curtis with his best buddy from the gym childcare area Alex.

My new favorite show is now Hero. It is great although some scenes were a little gory for me. Now I have three shows I'm addicted to and I will not watch anymore and let the TV suck up any more of my evenings. I love Hero, The Office, and of course...Gilmore Girls', my not-so-secret indulgence.

Things here are quiet. Just plugging away. I lost some weight and I now weigh 97 lbs so I'm trying to gain 8 lbs to be 105 by December. I've cut out 90% of my cardio and I'm focusing on weights, yoga, and core classes. Wish me luck!

T