good song and list

So hi, how are you? Me I'm good. I just foud a link on youtube to this song that they play in my yoga class. The truth is it isn't yoga. At Lifestyle Family Fitness the class is called Body Flow which has tai chi, yoga and pilates all in one hour class. Anyway, someone in an MDC group mentioned the LOA qualities of this song so I looked it up and low and behold it is one of my fav song from the class. Very uplifting and rather dancy. Nothing like what I usually listen too but it's good and reminds me of feeling good so who am I to deny it. Check it out... go to youtube and search for Natasha Bedingfield's song Unwritten.

So as it plays in the beackground I will tell you about last night. I had some pinching type cramping in bed last night and realized that at 7 or 8 dpo that it could me my baby implanting. So I held my belly and prayed and talked to my little will be baby and drifted to sleep. I had a dream that incorporated a reoccuring dream I have. I have this dream about being in high school and not being able to find my locker or finding it and not knowing the combination. LAst night I had to go back to high school even though I was my age now (31). So I went to high school and had a big jacket with two big pockets on it. In one pcoket was my son and in the other was a little baby girl. They were close in size even though I knew one was Curtis and the other was my daughter in the dream. I had to drop them off at a daycare in the high school and they had fallen asleep in my big pockets. I handed them over to the daycare worker and she put them in a crib together and I felt sad that I had to leave them to take some high school class even though I had already graduated.

Today I am grateful for the love my son shows me with hugs and kisses and laughs and smiles. I am also grateful for the fun loving care my DH gives me every day. I am also grateful for this beautiful bright house in a wonderful sunny state. I am also grateful for my dog whom I love and trust so much. In fact, I'm going to go cuddle her right now.

T

view the secret

http://www.universallawstoday.com/secret.html
Not sure for how long but aparently you can see it at that site for free. I highly recommend that you view it if you are open to the ideas of positive thinking and the law of attraction. It may change your life like it has mine.

today's lists

gratitude
I am grateful for a loving and caring and supportive DH.
I am grateful that I get to stay home with my DS and experience all of his excitment in learning each day.
I am grateful that I have friends at the gym who enjoy working out as much as I do and can caht with me effortlessly while we're there.
I am grateful for the new pineapple sage plant I bought today.
I am grateful for the rose quartz a little girl gave me today at church.
I am grateful for my own strength and ability to stay faithful and positive.
I am gratefrul for my love of learning.

order from the Universe
I am enjoying a wonderfully fulfilling and healthy pregnancy.
I am eating a healthy and balanced diet with my family.
I am spending lots of time having fun and laughing with my family.
I am finding lots of time to study feng shui.
I am meeting new people and making new friends easily.
I am communicating with those around me effortlessly and without issue.
I am living life to the fullest everyday.
I have found happiness.

T

pain

The pain I have felt over the past several months from losing my dec 04 group online has stuck with me no matter what I have done. I have tried tonight to figure out why. I believe it reminds me of all the pain I've felt from so called "friends" hurting me over my life time. I specifically remember a group of girls in Junior High who made a big point of not including me in a new year's celebration and also tried very badly to keep it a secret. I also remember a college friend ditching me for another and then laughing and pointing out a physical flaw I have. Now I had these people kicking me when I was down and the truth is while I spend all of this time thinking of them I feel pretty sure not one of them thinks of me at all, good or bad.

The pain of these three and other painful "friendships" has hurt me deeply and I don't believe I ever once recieved a sincere apology from any one of the "friends" even though I know I deserved it from all of them. Deep down I crave the sincere apology but mostly I just want to stop thinking about this pain. I am better off w/o these people in my life. I am on the path to greatness and when I was in this specific group all it did was bring me down.

It is a dead weight lifted from my life causing me to float upwards to new heights. I am better and will just continue to get better day in and day out. I don't need to worry or give even an inch of thought to them any more after this post. I am living my life for the present and right now my present is great. I love my cute and smart and exciting son. I have a loving and caring and fun husband who will always be there for me and never hurt me. I am intelligent and have the freedom to follow any pursuit of knowledge I choose. I live in an beautiful and bright house in a wonderful town. I am strong mentally and physically and the healthiest I have ever been. I am making new and caring friends in real life all of the time. I have everything I need right here and don't feel the need to search online for a "connection". I am complete just as I am and I will continue to grow is positive ways day after day.

I am OK now.

Tara

PS

Curtis and his cousin Halle in the tub. She is 6 months younger but the same size as him. He was brushing her hair when this pic was taken. Extra cute!!!

Friday

Well, I had my second acu appointment yesterday. It went quite well and I woke up feeling great this morning. I woke before Curtis and lay there feeling how great the bed felt and how great I felt physically. When we did finally get up I just had a really happy attitude w/o trying for once. We tried a free music class this morning and Curtis is still not into sitting around singing songs. I had that in the back of my mind and only went because it was at the library which is next to a park. So we ended up playing in the library a little and then at the park with another friend and her two daycare boys, which was lots of fun. It's super cold here (50's) but the sun has finally decided to come out and play again so it wasn't too bad.

Since it's Friday I'll be watching The Secret again tonight. I've planned to watch it every Friday for a while to see how my understanding grows with each viewing. Last Friday I took notes and I've been reading them over before bed each night to help keep the practice in the front of my mind. I am still struggling with giving up the pain I feel from a certain couple of people but I am not focusing on that and am more in the present from now on. I do feel great now and I do feel like I am on the path to everything I want. Here are my affirmations as of today:

• I am pregnant this summer.
• I am enjoying a healthy and well balanced diet with my family.
• I am spending lots of time having fun with my family.
• I am working towards a future career in a field that I love which helps other people.
• I am enjoying easy and comfortable relationships with all of those around me at all times.

Thanks,
Tara

acupuncture

I went for my first session of acupuncture yesterday. The AP was really wonderful with me and diagnosed me with a kidney difficiency. My kidney's are laking chi which feeds the chi circulating in my heart. My symptoms seems to reflect all of the extra chi in my heart region. She did the acupuncture and loaned me a book call The Infertility Cure which is all about using Traditional Chinese Medicine for increased fertility. It seems like acupuncture is sort of a feng shui of the body so all of my feng shui research has come in handy when trying to sort through all of the TCM and acupuncture stuff. I am really hopful and excited about using this women and my new knowledge to get myself as healthy as possible before getting pregnant again. I am already feeling the positive effects of the feng shui and my practice of the Law of Attraction. If you are local to the Orlando area and want a good AP check out this link http://harmonywellnesscenter.com/

T

Fani is back!!!

I'm totally freaking out right now. If you remember my cat was missing. It was 11 days ago that we let her out and she didn't come back. Well, I've been doing great with my positive visualizations and my feng shuing my house and have been feeling great until this afternoon. Things started to get me down and (long story short) I broke down crying while washing the dishes. DH and DS were there so I walked away from the sink to the bedroom. I sat on the bed crying and I heard DS saying "Meow, Meow, Meow." Then DH came into the bedroom with my cat saying "You're not going to believe this." How did she know to show up at the door at that exact moment?

A long time ago she went missing for 3 days just when DH and I were having relationship problems (he wasn't DH then). It was the same then too. I was crying and DH was in the living room and he came in with her saying she just showed up at the door. Ever since then our relationship has been so strong.

I can't help but think this is a sign. It was seriously like something out of a movie that I would watch and comment on how unrealistic it is. I am so glad to have my Fani-cat back! She has helped me in ways she will never realize! I really feel that this happened to show me that it will all be ok.


T

secret

Over the past few days there has been much to blog about yet little time to blog it. So I will touch on a few subjects today.

First off check out my son with his girlfriend CeCe. She is a month younger than he is and a twin to brother Nick. They play 4-5 days a week together in the gym daycare and they really like each other. Nick is more of a loner, but CeCe and Curtis love chasing each other all over the place.

Second, I am super bummed that my Eagles lost this past weekend. Our defense really couldn't hold the Saints and they just looked plain tired by the last few plays. I really think we should have won that game. The turnover in the 4th lead to our offense having a good chance to tie and a little chance to win but alas, they were unable to make it happen. I am still happy with how far we got after such a tough season with many injuries. Unfortunately 2 of the 3 other teams I picked lost too. Good thing I'm not a betting woman.

Third, I recently recieved a copy of the movie The Secret from an online friend. I've watched it once and plan to watch it a few more times and to take notes. It's pretty amazing. I have incorporated many of the ideas into my life slowly over the last week and have already noticed a shift in my life. Combined with my intense feng shui practice (which has just recently picked up big time) my home and life are really feeling much brighter and hopeful and grateful. Please check out these two links. http://www.thesecret.tv and http://youtube.com/watch?v=QmtRVL7BfJE&mode=related&search= . The first is a site about the movie and the second is a little daily affirmation clip from youtube that was made by The Secret. I really recommend looking into this if you are interested in changing the way you feel mentally and physically. The basis is basically that like energy attracts like energy. Since everything is made of energy we can use this Law of Attration (LOA) to attract things to our lives. I've seen it work for me on a small scale and with time I believe it will work in all aspects of my life.

Fourth, is the feng shui. I'm so into this. I got a book called Western Guide to Feng Shui by Terah something-or-other (sorry I don't remember her last name) and I'm working in each room of my house now. I spent the first 2 weeks of the year working on my entire house in the bagua and now I'm am going room by room and enhancing the chi as best as I can. I swear I already feel like the house is more positive and brighter. We had some definite issues that I cleared up right away and since I'm here a lot of the time being a SAHM, it only makes sense to make this a wonderful and comfortable place to be and enhance my chi.

Fifth, is that I'm getting accupuncture Thursday. I've been toying with the idea for a while. Some of the cons were the price and my inability to find an AP that I was able to work with in a comfortable way. I decided after spending last week gather info to make my final decision yesterday. I had quotes and plans from 3 out of 4 AP's I had contacted. When I came here to check my email that morning there was an online newsletter from an AP I hadn't thought of. I had met her 1 1/2 years ago at the Orlando Veg Fest and she has been sending periodic newsletters to me. So it seemed to be a bit of syncronicity that the email came on that morning. Long story short, after several emails I had an appointment for a cheaper price with a women that I felt really comfortable with and excited about. I can't wait to meet her Thursday but right now I have to go fill out all the paperwork she sent me.

Thanks for reading,

T

need to post

I was checking the blogs I regularly read and was frustrated that they had no new posts. Then I realized that I had not been here in a while so I'm here now. DS is taking an extra long nap today for who knows what reason and I feel the need to post. I am going to try to keep the info here positive. While I am in fact in a rather low point in my life, I was looking back last night and realized that these low points are really cyclical. So that should mean that I will be on an upswing soon. Notice I say 'should'. No one knows really and most of the things upsetting me right now are things I have very little control over sooooooo...

DH is out of town again this week. He called last night with good news. He had dinner with a big wig who in sense told him to not get comfortable in his new position as he extepted him to be promoted again by the summer. Apparently there is a lot of talk about him in the company and they are grooming him for something. This something could in fact mean we move to Raleigh. There is no way to know for sure and the idea of a move to Raleigh seems exciting and scary all at once to me. Right now I'm keeping a 'cross that bridge when we come to it' attitude. I'm mostly just proud that my hardworking DH is finally getting props for his work. He's been a great employee his whole life and it seems that someone is finally recognizing that.

I took Curtis to the zoo this morning. He was a little weird and it seems like his personality is changing right now. He used to love going out and being around people but lately he has been much happier here at home. When we are out he gets clingy and whiney and when we're home he is super cool and cute and smart for the most part. He is a parrot right now repeating everything I say and he is doing the sign language I taught him often. He feels sympathy and kisses my booboos and the other day when I was crying he came up to me and gave me a big hug before he burst into tears of sympathy. He is truly the best thing in my life and the three of us together as a family makes me feel so lucky. I am learning through infertility that I was super lucky to get preg with him so quickly and that he is a real miracle.

Check out this link to a Nova program that will show you just how special each child is and how random and rare it is to get preg. I know a lot of people who got preg first try or without trying because they feel free to speak openly about. Now I am discovering that there are just as many women who have struggled to get preg but these women do not speak openly about their journey. We as women tie our value as women with our ability to get pregnant and give birth and we feel ashamed to admit that we are unable to achieve these. I know women who had c-sections who feel just as ashamed and defeated because they feel they failed at birthing their child. I am trying to work in my mind on realizing that my fertility is only marginally in my control and that it does not equat my value as a human. This is proving rather difficult since my subconscious seems to think I am a failure since I cannot achieve this pregnancy that I so want. It honestly breaks my heart a little each time I even say that out loud. So much for staying positive, huh?

http://www-c.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/miracle/program.html

T

hmmmmmm

My cat hasn't come home in 4 days.

I got my period today.

I am really low and heart broken due to both of these things. My cat didn't have her collar on because it had broken a week or two before she went missing. I can't understand why I'm not pregnant and my heart is so broken with the thought that I may never have another child.

Please pray for us.

T

PS - The good news is Florida won last night but honestly, who really cares about that right now.

27 in 2007

27. Get pregnant.
26. Knit most of the Christmas gifts this year.
25. Spend less time on the computer.
24. Be less picky with DH.
25. Be more romantic.
24. Keep a cleaner house.
23. Declutter completely (own only what I use or love).
22. Learn Spanish.
21. Commit to Yoga practice.
20. Tell my friends that I care about them.
19. Don't allow people to invalidate my feelings and beliefs.
18. Stop obsessing over pain from the December Darlings.
17. Give people a break when the mess up.
16. Go to church even when I don't feel like it.
15. Do the devotional study every week.
14. Read the Bible.
13. Feng Shui the house and yard.
12. Write more poetry.
11. Revise my novel.
10. Read more poetry.
9. Build a vegetable garden.
8. Take one small trip somewhere just for fun.
7. Be less pessimistic and negative.
6. Be more optimistic.
5. Be less fatalistic.
4. Believe in miracles.
3. Want what God wants.
2. Be more forgiving.
1. Spend more time laughing with Curt and Curtis.

2007 is a year to knit!

So a while back I promised to tell you all about my new adventures in knitting. It all started on MDC (mothering.com) where I chatted lightly with another woman about my learning to knit. It turned out that she lives just 3 miles from me. It was a nice surprise to meet someone on a worldwide board from right here. On top of that she was a knitter and offered to give me a lesson. I've been wanting to learn to knit for a while. I am a pretty good crocheter but I was ready to graduate from the hook to the needles.

We met at Borders and ended up talking for four hours w/o picking up the needles once. Our husband's were worried we'd been kidnapped because we totally lost track of time. A few days later she came to my house and started me out on a drop stitch scarf project. I'd tried to learn before with books and videos but always ended up frustrated. Having her here to help me was great and in no time I was knitting away. Since then I have finished that scarf, another simple garter stich scarf, and these juggling balls.

While at that same Borders (one of my fav places) I saw a Juggling For Dummies book with two juggling bean bags on sale for $3.99. I almost bought it as a Christmas present for DH but then decided to see if I could make some myself. After several failed attempts on the sewing machine I randomly decided to google a knit juggling ball pattern and found a very easy one. It was a mad rush to get these done the week before Christmas but I finished them in the nick of time on the afternoon before Christmas. I filled them black eyed peas for new year luck.

Curt has juggled with them a few times and Curtis loves watching him juggle. I would probably make a few changes if I made them again. The pattern called to cast on 10 stiches and knit for 6 inches. I think they are a little big and might shorten those a few next time (if there is a next time). Also the black eyed peas might be a touch heavy but if the bags were smaller this might not be a problem. All in all, I'm calling it a successful 3rd ever knit project.

Today I bought some yarn on sale at Joann's and I've started on a new project. I am free form knitting a sort of runner to go on my cedar chest between the chest and the new TV that is now on it. I'm knitting strips in different colors and patterns and lengths and I'm going to sew these together to make a abstract looking runner. I have a vision in my mind's eye and we'll just have to see how that turns out.

T