Resolutions

I have been reading a bunch on feng shui and I have made my resolution to declutter my life. Most of what I read gets complicated but it all begins with getting rid of clutter. So that is where I have begun. I have already done a ton and my closet looks so clean and organized. Today I brought a ton of stuff to good will and I've been freecycling a bunch of the better stuff too. It feels great.

We ordered a new TV and it comes delivered tomorrow. We rearranged our front room (living room) and we are making the back room a play room now. I can't wait to have the whole thing done but it will take a while as we need curtains and little details like that to take care of still. We really never use that front room and it will be nice to go in there after Curtis is in bed and be in a room that isn't full of toys.

We also got a new all-in-one printer today so that is why you get to see this great pic today.

More adventures later. It is already 11:00pm and I'm usually in bed asleep by now.

T

Merry Christmas

Still no pics because we still are working on getting the printer fixed or another alternative. I can say that I got almost everything I wanted this year.

First my son was so happy with his train table. We both have started with colds again (the third time this year) today. It sucks to be sick but he really loved his gift so I'm sure once he's well he'll only love it more.

Second, the Eagles just beat the cowboys. I soooooo enjoyed watching T.O. dropped two passes. Everyone counted us out but we're still in it big time.

So all that is left is a baby. I got a + OPK yesterday and today and all signs point to being fertile. We've been doing our part so the rest is up to God and mother nature. I did sort of promise to name a boy Lito after Lito Shephard if the Eagles won so if we are preg this time and it is a boy I might have to name him Lito!

Just Kidding!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to any of my bleaders!

T

100th Post

This is my 100th post!!!

Can I just say how happy I am that the Eagles won. If you know me, you know I'm an Eagles fan, and if you know Eagles fans, then you know the only thing they hate more than the cowboys and T.O. are the Giants. It was a nail biter, but we won. I dressed my son in his jersey today and went to the gym. I was sure to walk right by the GM who is a big Giants fan and smiled big!

On another note, Curtis is talking like crazy now. He forms 2-3 word sentences and repeats big words. He talks and talks and I'm truly present with him while we "discuss" the topics of his interest. It happened just like people say, all of a sudden. Within the last 3 weeks he has had a major verbal leap and I am amazed by him. Since ttc I have realized what a blessing he is and now I swear I cry daily with love for him. He is so awsome and I am so lucky to be his mommy.

T

Christmas meme

Christmas meme
1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Hot chocolate
2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Wraps ‘em
3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? white
4. Do you hang mistletoe? No
5. When do you put your decorations up? After my son's birthday on dec 7th because I want to try to separate his b'day from the holiday
6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? cranberry jelly from a can
7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? I got a polaroid camera one year and that was cool, otherwise I don't have a ton
8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I have no idea
9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? I did as a child but not any more
10. What kind of cookies does Santa get set out for him? butter cookie press cookies
11. Snow! Love it or dread it? neither, I live in Florida, thank God!
12. Can you ice skate? I have been a few times
13. Do you remember your favorite gift? My son was born on Dec 7th 2004 and was a great early Christmas present
14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? spending time with my husband and son
15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? cookies
16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? cookie press cookies
17. What tops your tree? a snowman decoration I got at the dollar store because I have still not found anything I like to go up there
18. Which do you prefer Giving or Receiving? giving
19. What is your favorite Christmas Carol? jingles bells because I sang this to my son a lot when he was 3 weeks old for his first Christmas and it always makes me remember that time
20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum? They're ok

bad week

It's been a rough week for the Fisher family. I got my period on Tuesday after it teased me being 2 days late. I knew I wasn't preg but the 2 day tease sure did suck. On top of it all we are all still sick with this terrible cold. So all week I've been pretty much stuck at home so as not to spread our germs. We aren't allowed at the gym in this sick state and I miss it dearly.

All of this time spent here is boring and makes me think too much. I have been thinking about my old message board a lot and they're not good thoughts either. I keep remembering hurtful things said to me and I keep having conversations with the people who said them over and over in my head. I'm wondering if I should write some letters to these people so I can have my say and then just not mail them. I've heard of this as a therapy before. I'll ask my therapist on monday if she thinks it's a good idea. I just feel super hurt and feel like certain people are off enjoying their wonderful lives and basically laughing at me every month that I don't get preg. I cry and wonder why they deserve to get preg easily and I don't.

I also just desperately want them to know how painful it is to ttc and not get preg. I feel like certain people don't have a clue and they said things to me about me being "too upset" about it. It makes me mad because they were judging me on something very painful that they have never experienced. I expect my friends to care for me when I'm down, not judge me. I know some about this because I never understood infertility until now. Before I kind of shrugged off the discussions about infertility and now I see just how hurtful that can be. When you are ttc it becomes all consuming and it changes the person that you are. I don't want it to and I don't want to admit that it has, but that is just the truth. I have tried to distract myself with writing a novel and learning to knit but it is still in the back of my mind at all times. I want the world to know how painful it is and I want compassion not judgment. I am super hurt that these people whom I knew and called friends for over two years have decided to judge me as opposed to giving me compassion.

Of course this is only true for a handful of the people on the group but those are the "rulers" of the group and no one else seemed to want to speak up on my behalf. I did get a few comments of support but mostly people only felt comfortable emailing me and not saying it "out loud" on the board. I am happy to be off the board and I have found out how obsessed I was with reading long "dear diary" posts written by people whom I don't respect at all. See it's not that I don't get along with people I disagree with, it's that I don't get along with people that I don't respect. I can't respect immaturity and materialism and people who are forever playing the vicitm. I tried to write to the group with my opinions and was forever berated and judged. It is a good thing that I am no longer internet friends with these people, so tell me why do I think of them so often and why do I have so many unresolved issues with them?

I had these thoughts on my mind all week and probably even longer than that, but when I'm stuck here sick and not pregnant at home it is harder to avoid them.

On another subject...my printer is broken and I use it to upload pics from my camera so you won't be seeing any pics from Curtis' b'day or of my first knit project until I go buy a new one. We have a babysitter and a half day date tomorrow so maybe we'll swing by compusa and get one. I finished my first knit scarf and I'd love to tell you all about how I learned to knit from my new friend Greenegirl. More on this another time.

T

sick

I woke up this morning with a sore throat and runny nose. I feel yucky. We skipped church and Curt took Curtis to the park so I could rest. I can't stop blowing my nose which is such a drag and I've already had 3 cups of hot tea with honey this AM.

Yesterday we had Curtis' b'day party. It went well. I was slightly disappointed that several people who RSVP'd didn't show up. I have a ton of goodie bag stuff for those kids and I'm going to donate some (hot wheels) too toys for tots and save a few for Curtis stocking. The kids who did show up had fun playing and everyone decorated a cupcake and there was even enough to take one home.

I am now feeling sad that several of my "friends" whom I met when Curtis was a baby did not take the time to either RSVP or come out to his party. This group of women mostly live on the other side of town and I have gone out of my way and messed up Curtis' nap schedule on several occasions in order to go to one of their b'day parties and yet it seems they don't think Curtis and I are worth driving out for. I got a call this morning from one such mommy friend who claimed to not ever get the invite and just got my email about rsvping today. I hate to be cynical but I want to call her a liar. On top of it all she acted like she didn't know when the party was after telling me she had just had a phone conversation with one of the moms who did come. I imagine that they talked about the party and the whole things seems so superficial and sad to me. I can't help but feel a little hurt. I guess I have learned my lesson and I won't go out of my way for everyone anymore. I've always made special accomadations for the kid's b'days because they are special but I guess I need to look out for #1 more now-a-days.

The party wouldn't have been complete without a conflict between my MIL and myself either. As I'm trying to chat with a guest she is shooting a ton of video on a camcorder and I see her over there waving for me to move. I took one step over while trying to maintain my conversation as she waves more. So I looked at her and said "I don't really want to be directed, I'm trying to enjoy the party." She looked all pissed and told me not to look at the camera. Curt stood up for me slightly and agreed but didn't really say anything to his mom (as usual). And of course she acted all hurt for a while and I walked around feeling like a b*tch when the truth is it was her prob. She always get so overdramatic and desperate during b'days and holidays and it drives me nuts. Why do we need 3 hours of video of Curtis' b'day? I'm never going to look at that much.

Oh well.

Tara

carriage jam

I'm very frustrated with my printer right now. It keeps saying carriage jam and I swear I've opened every little door and fiddle with things and plugged and unplugged it over and over. I am trying to print out a cute little picture I made to paste onto brown bags that will be filled with goodies for the guests of Curtis' party this weekend.

Yes, my little boy turned 2 yesterday. The picture above was taken the morning of his b'day in our front yard and I thought he looked super cute sitting there with our dog Sebastian. We went to a place called Crazy Monkey in the mall which is basically like a Japanese version of Chuck E Cheese. It was fun and Curtis played with his Paw Paw a lot. Then last night we had spaghetti, his favorite dinner, and then went to carvel for ice cream. We're having cupcakes at his party so I didn't want to make a cake too.

So at his 2 year PED appointment today most of my worries about his eating and weight were pacified. He went from the 3rd percentile in weight at his 18 month visit to the 10th percentile at this visit, so the truth is he's doing fine. She said it is very common for kids his age to eat nothing one day and lots the next. Since I know he is fine now I won't worry so much when he has a day of fod strikes, as they call it. He does have one issue in that his soft spot in his head has not closed yet. It is supposed to be closed by 2 years but the PED thinks since he is actually the size of a 20 month old that it will probably close in the next few months. If it doesn't we will need to get x-rays and look into it but she seemed pretty optimistic that it would most likely close on it's own.

So my little boy is healthy. He got several gifts yesterday and his favorite was a puzzle that was fish with magnets on them and it came with a fishing rod that used a magnet to pick up the fish puzzle peices. He makes the sign for fish and says blub blub blub while playing with it and he is super cute.

I am now trying to prepare for the 14 kids and 18 adults whom have RSVP'd for his party tomorrow. I had no idea so many people would want to/be able to come and I am trying to hand make goodie bags from brown lunch bags. I had planned to use my printer, but of course it has farted out on me just when I needed it. I do have puffy paint and foam and stuff so I am off to figure something out with those items. Wish me luck tomorrow

T

please eat something already

I'm having a rough morning. Curtis has started getting really bad about not eating and I know when I see the PED on Friday they will tell me the same things they always do about "keep trying" and "he'll eat when he's hungry" etc etc. I know there is nothing they can do but he has gotten so bad and I worry about it. I began wondering if he had a better mommy maybe he wouldn't be this way. Then I wondered if I should even try for another child when I can't even take care of the one I have properly. I love him so much and I don't mind him being a little picky but we have reached an all time pickiest recently. I bumped into some old friends at the gym and we all went to McD's for lunch afterwards today. While their kids sat nicely in highchairs eating chicken nuggets and apple slices Curtis ran around wildly pulling down Christmas decorations and refusing to eat even a french fry. I left feeling so discouraged.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night and worried about his b'day party for an hour or two. I didn't even think about balloons and decorations and I guess we'll need those too. I'm afraid I'm going to forget something and have many lists all over then house. Then when I did fall asleep I had a really disturbing dream about my period and woke up to cramps so I guess it will be coming again soon. I didn't expect anything else but it's still a little discouraging.

So I guess I should stop giving you my bad attitude and go do something productive. I made a double batch of Martha's ice box butter cookies and sent some into Curt's work. He emailed that they are a hit and Curtis likes them a lot too. It's one of the only things he will eat anymore. He spits the raisins out of the oatmeal cookies now. ugh

T