Lately the Universe has been sending me many messages about judgment. I used to think I didn't judge people much at all. I know deep down I am a very loving and caring person and I hate for anyone to be in pain, and yet I was judging all along. I think in part it is human nature for us to search out the right and wrong in society. I tend towards a manic depressive mentality and this really has me thinking in terms of black and white in my everyday life. It is an everyday struggle for me, and I do fear that I am judged by those around me. There are times where I cry in pain because of an off-hand comment from someone who doesn't know me well at all. In my head I yell out in pain about the unfairness in being judged by someone who may know me very well on the outside, and yet knows very little about the inner struggle and day to day of what makes up Tara, which is impossible to communicate.
Then on the other hand I have gone around myself thinking that so-and-so didn't keep their house clean enough, or let their kid have enough freedom, or communicate enough with their husband, or handle their finances responsibly enough, or even respect themselves enough. Until recently I have still remained in the belief that there was a right an wrong way to deal with all of life's ins and outs. Through lots of meditation and many messages from God I have learned how wrong this is.
So how has that changed? Well suddenly I have realized, that the reason you cannot judge another person, is because you will never know the complete story behind their actions. This untold inner struggle is very personal and, I believe, impossible to fully understand or communicate. The Native Americans have a saying about walking a mile in another man's moccasins, but I honestly believe even if you could walk that mile, that you still would never be able to reach the essence of what this other person is experiencing. Perhaps this is also the beauty in being human in that we have this personal relationship that we share only with our own inner self and our own higher power.
So from there I have come to the conclusion that I have no right to decide what is right or wrong for another person. Obviously there are exceptions in the way of child abuse or such things, but for the most part I just don't have enough information or knowledge to be able to judge whether another person is doing something "right or wrong".
I am now wondering why I feel this pull to constantly 'keep score' for everyone I see and/or know. Why does my mind want to mark down who is doing better or worse than I am in the many aspects of my life? I'm assuming it all boils down to self-esteem or self-confidence in the end. As a human I think I am naturally drawn to use other people's perceived faults and failures in order to build my own self up. What a terrible thing to realize about ones self, and yet this realization has also freed me in a way to see the truth behind my own judgments and those handed down upon me.
I have meditated long and hard recently about how this has effected my personal relationships with friends and family and even myself. I have wondered about my control over my own thoughts and actions and how life's distractions play into this, and have decided that I am going to publicly take responsibility for this.
I have been judgmental to people I love throughout my life. I am not going to beat myself up about it because, as I said, I know deep down I am a very loving and caring person, but I am going to take some action and work towards being a better person from now forward. I want to be the type of person whom my family and friends know they can count on for comfort and love without judgment. I hope if you are reading this as one of my friends or family that you will feel comfortable coming to me whenever you need.