so sick

Things have gone downhill here over the past couple weeks. I've been so tired and so sick and while I'm grateful for these intense signs of pregnancy I'm so exhausted and ready for some normal again. I can't eat much and the things I do eat don't even really taste great. I puke at least once a day and sleep something like 10-12 hours a day total. I remember feeling better by around 10 weeks with Curtis so I guess I only have a few weeks more of this but it feels like forever. I'll be back sometime with a happy I feel better post I'm sure.

Tara

Things are good here in the bathroom

Thanks for all the emails and phone calls of support. I do have some wonderful friends and family in my life and I should shift my focus to them instead of anyone else.

I've got a touch of stomach stuff due to early pregnancy. I'm pretty tired and sick most of the time and crave lemonade and Publix turkey subs all the time. I can hardly eat a vegetable which is kind of frustrating since I was trying to include 7 raw servings of fruits and veggies a day during this preg. I guess I'll just have to pick that back up in a month or so when my belly settles some.

Curtis is officially signed up for preschool starting in August at my church. At first I was so excited but now I'm wondering how it's possible that he is old enough for preschool already. Time flies you know!?!? I know it will be great for both of us and I look forward to him coming home each day and telling me all about it.

Otherwise we're just chilling out here. I told my Yoga/Pilates instructor in confidence that I was preg and she said I could keep taking the class but to go easy on ab work. So I just sit looking like a slacker when they do the pilates for abs so as not to stress my little baby growing in there. I'm hoping that I will have a wonderful happy and healthy pregnancy and childbirth since I have been doing this class for so long now and I'm also eating better than I did while preg with Curtis as well. My AP told me that since I was so healthy and balanced when I got preg that I will probably feel great most of the time. Mentally I feel pretty darn happy and blessed. As soon as this stomach settles I think I'll be pretty wonderful physically too.

Peace,
T

now I feel sick

because of what I see on my tracker (site meter).

I just want this to be over and that is why I decided to write a letter. My therapist recommended it. It was supposed to help me heal and now I'm more upset. I've admitted my mistake by putting it on drop shots. I swear I just can't win in this situation so I now loudy declare that I
GIVE UP!

again with the drama

I just came to make it clear that the letter I wrote yesterday was only for my own healing. I am pretty much 99% sure the person or people addressed do not read this blog. I know this because I have a tracker here. I do not intend for them to read it. I intented for me to heal and get my thoughts out and on paper, so to speak.

It sucks that I can't move on from this. I can't figure out why really. I know it's natural to mourn the loss of a friendship, but I feel I've taken it further than that.

I did recieve an email from someone who was upset with what I had to say. I wanted to address that here and this is the best I can do.

This is my issue and no one elses. I am trying my hardest to heal and doing everything I can to do this.

I really wish I could just never think about it again.

T

positive

Just couldn't end today's post on a negative note....so here you go.

It's impossible for me to feel anything negative while looking at this beautiful scene! Can you believe this was in February?!?!

T

unsent email

So here's the background...you may remember that I was a long time member of a message board where some of the members turned on me at one point in my ttc struggles and I ended up leaving the group on bad terms. It has been a pain that has stuck with me against my better wishes mostly because I feel I didn't get to have my full say and these were people I had grown to be friends with and gone through with them the amazing period of my life where I became a new mom.

So, when I was saddened that several members became preg w/o trying or on the first try one member wrote a nasty comment about me, then deleted it, then posted a non-apology something like, "I'm sorry but that is how I really feel". I was shocked that 5 people emailed me at the time saying that I was being treated wrongly yet no one spoke up online except the women who had no sympathy for me and were...well to be honest...complete bitches. I can see now that those women are bullies who "run" the group and I'm better off w/o them and w/o wishy washy "friends" who can't stand up for what they believe.

The truth is there are one or two of those women whom I do still contact and care about. One of them did speak up for me once during the argument. I am grateful for this but it really was greatly overshawdowed by the nastiness directed at me at the time.

So fast forward to this week. I now have a new group of online women who are supportive in every way and see eye to eye with me on most AP type parenting methods and NFL (natural family living) lifestyles. I was excited to let them know about my pregnancy after 9 months of them listening and caring for me through the journey. I posted a picture of the positive tests on a drop shot account that is meant for family who doesn't live nearby. Most of the pics there are of my son and my family during holidays and vacations.

It turns out this one member who said the super nasty thing and later non-apologized for it has been looking at this site. She took it upon herself to let all of that old group know my news and several of them have nicely emailed me congrats. I believe I am right to be offended that she stole my thunder. In her place I would have emailed her first before announcing this to everyone in the group. I realize that I am at fault for posting the picture for the whole web to see. I really mistakenly believed that only my family members looked there.

So long story short I want to write an email to her, but after discussing it with DH I realize it would do nothing productive. Problem is that I can't let go of this. So I'm posting the message here to get it off my chest, so to speak. I figure the few readers I have will probably ignore this or read through and feel sympathy for me, so I'm not really concerned about who reads this here. It is more important for me to let go of this right now.

Dear J,

I really don't appreciate you posting my recent news to the DD group. I know that I put the picture on my website and made it available to the world, but I honestly didn't think anyone besides family looked there. I am extra surprised that you look there since you made it clear to me 4-5 months ago how you feel about me.

Yes, I am still greatly hurt by your nasty words and contempt for my feelings at a time in my life where I was obviously struggling. True friends feel compassion and sympathy for their friends, but I now know you are much too immature for adult feelings like those. I want to move on and get over this and possibly even forgive you for the pain you and the others involved caused to me. I personally find that the only way for me to not feel the pain is to not have any thoughts or contact involving any of you ever again. This is sad to me and I really wish I was stronger of conviction so I could just let it roll off my back, but I am sensative and emotional and there is nothing wrong with that.

I am writing you to let you know that you hurt me deeply 4-5 months ago and that you have hurt me again just this week by blabbing my news and stealing my thunder (on purpose?). I am asking that you please not have any further contact with me again in the future in any way shape or form. I wish you well in your life and hope that our lives never ever cross again (including in my head).

I am hoping and praying that by getting this off of my chest, I will finally be able to let go of the pain caused when our friendship was severed.

Thank you,
T

it's really true

I've taken a total of 3 of these so far and I keep going in and looking at them.

I'm a little hormonal and I find myself in disbelief and crying over nothing this week.

My life truly is awsome!

stage 2

Something new for me to talk about on this blog.

Yes, it's true.

I finally got a + pregnancy test. I am going to have another baby in November. I'm so happy and excited and a little bit jumbled in my mind right now. I have a couple of symptoms and I'm loving them as they mean I'm pregnant. I feel like this is the prefect timing for us even though I've complained about waiting in the past. I'm itching to tell the world but instead I'm tell my bleaders (blog-readers). I don't know many of you IRL so it's pretty safe. Otherwise we're holding out from telling people until at least 8 weeks. I did tell my mom and DH told MIL.

Please pray for a happy and healthy 9 months and beyond. I'll talk more about this soon I'm sure.

Tara

Recovering

I am recovering from the noro virus I caught. It is going around the area.

Someone one MDC wrote this and it speaks to me. I'm posting it here so I will remember it.

I was starting to doubt my ability to manifest something. I thought it was because maybe I didn't want it...but I realized it was more about feeling worthy or the fear around it.
I asked for more clarity and suddenly started to see the situation very differently than I had been the past few days! How freeing. Now, I am perfectly content regardless of the outcome...so through that clarity I have realized the positive in any outcome which means I am now in the very best place possible to receive

noro virus

Here is Curtis and his house guest Nathan enjoying the water fountain at the zoo last week.

I'm on the second 24 hours of a 48 hour bug called the noro virus. I'm assuming that's what I have since I found out today that it is going around the area and I have all the (nasty) symptoms. It has effected my mental and physical state negatively so I need your thoughts and prayers. I am trying to remain positive but I haven't eaten in days and I'm exhausted and feeling a little sorry for myself. Curt went out today and got me gatoraid and a dvd from blockbuster called "What the bleep?" I've been wanting to see this and it's over 2 hours long so I've been putting it off since I don't like sitting in front of the tv that long, but since I'm sick and can do little besides sit and lie around I figured tonight was the time for me to watch it. I'll let you know what I think.

T

4 Things to know about: Me

4 Things to know about: Me
from Heat

*_4 jobs I've had:
1-Mommy
2-Branch Coordinator at staffing agency
3-Traffic Safety Specialist for AAA
4-Front Desk Supervisor at the Old Faithful Inn

*_4 places I've lived:
1-Altamonte Springs, FL
2-Yellowstone, WY
3-Greensboro, NC
4-Haddon Twp, NJ

*_4 favorite foods:
1-pizza
2-veggie quesadillas
3-good dark chocolate
4-mint chocolate chip ice cream

*_4 favorite TV shows:
1-The Office
2-Gilmore Girls
3-America's Next Top Model
4-Heros

*_4 places I'd rather be right now:
1-bed
2-the Acupuncturist's
3-the chiropractor's
4-the beach

What can I say, my neck and back hurt today and I'm over tired from a long week of site seeing with my friend and her son. I'll be back with pics at a later date.

T