better...knock wood

Here is Curtis with the fruit bouquet my parents sent to me for my b'day. I've been fascinated with these things for a while so I was really happy to recieve it. Curtis liked to chew up the purple grapes and spit out the skins and I have been enjoying the rest of it all weekend.

Things are sorta kinda looking up around here. We are still dealing with bugs but Terminix is coming Friday and will hopefully take care of them.

I got an oven off of freecycle this weekend. Curt and his step-bro Richie went and picked it up in Maitland in Richie's truck. It's not as nice looking as mine but it works and was free. So, we moved mine out to the garage because I have not given up on it and I plan to figure out how to get my hands on a replacement thermostat and get it up and running again sometime in the future. Until then, I'm using this freecycled one that works fine and looks so-so.

This AM I went to the Chiro and had an adjustment and accupunture. Then I had a great yoga class at the gym so we had a pretty good morning. Curtis went down for his nap with no trouble and has already been sleeping for almost an hour and a half which is great for him. I cleaned the bathroom and surfed the net and then had a snack of pistacio nuts and strawberries. I'm trying very hard to stay away from junk food and it's difficult. I don't really have any in the house but I did see a half empty bag of chocolate chips in the pantry and can't stop thinking about it. So...here I am.

Yesterday I started a plan to write once a day for about 20-30 mins. I've started a short story and I think I just need dedication to finish it. So that is where I am off to now.

T

squeegee, ridiculous, muffin, and rhinoceros.

It’s a meme I got from my friend Frog. She gave four words and we are to write something about each of them. My words are: squeegee, ridiculous, muffin, and rhinoceros.

Squeegee - Is a very funny word. Not many words have a q and 4 e's in them. I don't own one but when I worked out in Yellowstone Nat. Park I learned from the gas station attendents in the park how to use one on my car windshield in a manner that leaves no spots or streaks. You basically squeegee in an upward motion from the middle of the wiperblades up and curve out towards the side of the car. Hard to explain, but everytime I do it at a gas station I think of Yellowstone Nat. Park.

ridiculous - Is actually a hard one to spell without looking it up. Things around me seem ridiculous a lot of the time. What would the definition be anyway...."deserving ridicule, absurd". Sounds like my life now-a-days.

muffin - I like this word because I love to bake. I try out new recipes all the time and I have a really good blueberry muffin recipe that calls for oats and sour cream. DH hates it because it's a little healthy, but I love it. Right now my oven is broken and I have no idea when or how it will be fixed or replaced. It makes me sad that I can't bake a cake or casserole or bread or even some muffins.

Rhinoceros - This is one of the animals in Curtis' plastic safari animal set that gives me troubles. Who knows what noise a rhino makes? I can do a monkey and elephant and lion and tiger noise but then we get to rhino and I just make a kind of adapted lion roar. Giraffe is another one and for that I make a crunch noise like it might sound eating a leaf from a tree.

***That was random but fun and since I have nothing but complaining to do now-a-days it spared anyone reading from my whiney attitude. If you want to play your words are loaf, necklace, Mary, and calendar. Leave a comment and I'll read what you have to say about it.

T

ugh

Not doing well at all here. More ticks have infested. They came back and sprayed more this AM but it looks like we're going to have to buy a package where they come every other month for a while. Keith next door said he had the same prob and they just got worse not better until he scheduled regular sprays of the house and yard. It'll be $60 a month and that'll be tough.

I've never felt more defeated in my life. I'm not preg, Curtis woke with a cold yesterday, we have bugs, our roof died, our A/C died, my oven is still dead and I turn 31 tomorrow. I'm struggling and Curt can't help because he is also bummed about it all. Actually, he isn't upset at all about not being preg because he thinks it's still early and likes the "trying" best anyway, but he is also pretty bummed about the bugs. I went for a long drive last night at 9:15pm and rolled the windows down and played loud music and tried to quiet the storm in my mind. It didn't work too much but my friend Teri called this am and I talked to her for a while and she gave me a pep talk that helped some. It's usually easier to be logical with other people's problems and I kind of did the same thing for her back in July when she turned 34.

Anyway, I'm going to go burn some candles to get rid of the poison smell in my house and try to clean up a little. I still haven't been grocery shopping this week and have no idea when I'll get there. MIL wants to take me out tomorrow for lunch so we're meeting at Fazoli's since it was my choice. Otherwise, I plan to lay really low for a while.

Neil Young said, "It's hard enough losing with out the confusion of knowing I tried." and boy was he right.

Tara

TTC and AF and all that craziness

This has been one of the worst days for me this year. So much went wrong including my Curtis woke suddenly and unexpectedly sick with a cold, my dog and house are re-infested with ticks (this is our second infestation and these things are freakin bionic we can't get rid of them), I got a low temp, I got spot, and a ton of other little things along the way. At one point I started bawling crying and Curtis came over, looked at me, and started bawling too. He's been extra clingy due to the cold so we hugged and cried together and it actually made me feel a little better.

I POAS this morning to get a BFN and then spot came this afternoon. I saw my chiro this morning and he did some lower back adjustments that he said should help loosen the nerves in my reproductive area to help TTC. I'm scheduled for some accupunture a week from today and he plans to do it on my lower back and abdomin to help "open up" the area. I really love this guy because he's the only medical doc I've ever had that has really listened and cared. I hope what he does helps.

It's only been three months but now each time I get AF I feel like such a failure. I know each time we only have like 25% chance and that it is perfectly average to take this long but since I conceived Curtis on the second try I just feel like it must be something I'm doing wrong. I really didn't want a summer baby in FL. This is such a mind blow.

As I promised myself this next month will be different. I'm focusing on my love for DH and DS and our desire to grow our family and I'm taking the focus off of desperatley temping and checking myself etc. Of course I will be aware of these things, but I PROMISE myself for my own good to relax more about it.

Ok, I wrote a novel because I really needed to vent about this crappy day I had.

T

For some reason this pic wouldn't load.

4th anniversary

Today is my 4th wedding anniversary. We just got back from our long weekend vacation so we decided to go low key. We ordered Chinese and exchanged gifts. We decided weeks ago to make gifts this year. We looked up the traditional gifts for the 4th anniversary, which are flowers and fruit, and made the rule that the gift had to be hand made and incorporate those items in some way. Here are our projects. I made Curt the abstract painting which incorporates some sandollars we found on our vaca and he made me the apple painting. Curt also brought me a bag of mini crunch bars because I've been craving these for weeks and he actually paid attention to what I was saying this time around. Yum!

T

Vaca

Well, we're back from our short vacation. We went for 3 days and 2 nights to New Smyrna beach w/o Curtis. This was our first time away from him over night and it went well.

We rented a condo from Curt's HR lady and she gave us a great deal. The weather was perfect and the sea was a little rough but there was a pool too so we didn't mind at all. The room had cable TV in the living room and bed room so we were loving it (we don't have cable). I stayed up late in the bed room watching food network while Curt was in the living room watching the sci fi channel each night. We got lots of relaxation and time to hang together. We were romantic and playful and relaxed and came home to our happy little son yesterday afternoon.

He did seem a little weird when we first got home but was back to normal in no time. Curt had today off too and I've gotten a ton done while he and Curtis had some time together. I vacuumed and swiffered and used a borrowed carpet shampooer. Tomorrow I plan to take a yoga class at my gym for the first time if I don't chicken out. I haven't officially worked out in 4 days althought playing shuffleboard and frisbee should count for something. I've been wanting to do a yoga class for a while but keep chickening out since I'm so shy at the gym. It's just easier to put on my headphones and run on the treadmill. I think I'll really like the yoga since I loved it when I did it years ago and it should help some with my obsessing over fertility. Still have about 5 days or so before AF is due so we're still waiting to see around here.....it stinks.

Tara

breaking

Everything is breaking around me recently. In the past three months I had to spend $5K on a new A/C, the $3K of our money and $6K of insurance money on a new roof. Today my oven broke on me. What the hell is next? Curt's job is in serious danger. We found out the day before we were supposed to spend the day in Disney and he had to stay and work that day to meet the boss of the company that just took over his company. Who knows what will happen. I'm trying to stay happy and optimistic but it's hard.

We did go to Disney on Saturday instead so we didn't get to see the Wiggles but we spend a long tiring day at the park as you can see.

T

Friends

Let's start this off with a cute pic of my little guy hanging with his three best friends.

I am in a spot right now and I really don't like it. In fact, I really don't like many people right now. Where are all the people I can relate too?

I have a good friend who I can pretty much relate to about almost everything but alas, she lives in Missouri. Unfortunately she is not moving to FL any time soon and I am not moving to Missouri, well, ever.

I have one close friend I hang with regularly here in FL but while she is laid back and nice and cool to be around and talk to, she has a few bad habits that I cannot understand. I try not to judge her but I am a firm believer that drugs and alcohol destroy lives and I hate to see her in denial about such things. So our friendhsip is what it is and nothing more. We are friends but will probably never be closer than we are right now.

I am a member of a message board that I have been on for over 2 years now. I am slightly obessed with the board and the women who post on it and unfortunatley several of them have views on certain topics which I disagree with strongly. There is a bit of a double standard on the board which I have come to accept but it pains me to hold my tongue so. I try to break from the board on a regular basis and find it has a grip on me and my boredom that I cannot easily break. I guess this is my addiction (the internet).

I have had issues with feeling outcast my entire life and I think I bring it on myself at times. Like when I obsess and check my "board" over and over reading post after post of negative defeatist attitudes. There are things I believe in passionately (the benefit of breast feeding, non-induced labor, avoidance of over use of chemicals like meds) that these women don't seem to find that important. I know I don't want a world where everyone agrees with me all the time but I also don't want a world where most people live a life that is completely against my beliefs. How do I rectify this? I have found blogs by women whom I respect very much, but I would also love to meet women like this IRL.

This has been one of my life long struggles.

T

It looks like this TS is headed right at us now. It is supposed to hit ground at a cat 1 in Miami so we are hoping by the time it gets to us it will be less than that. Maybe we will just get strong TS winds and not hurricane winds. I am praying that the damage is little and we don't lose power for long.

So this morning I was packing my gym things in the car while Curtis was playing in the garage. I then got him strapped in and started to back the car out and heard a terrible noise. Then I pulled forward and got out to find out what had happened. Well, apparently Curtis had opened the little door to my gas opening thingy. When I backed out the door folded backward, dented my car, and ripped off. I'm so bummed about it but it's really no one's fault. Maybe I should have been watching him in the garage better, I don't know.

Also this morning I saw my across the street neighbor standing by the curb crying. I walked by and asked if she was ok. She said no and then explained that her next door neighbor just found out she has lung cancer. They have been next door to each other and best friends for 27 years. They both sit on the porch and smoke like crazy so it's not a surprise, but it is still sad. She is starting chemo soon. I am thinking of making a big pot of homemade soup and bringing half to her and the other half to Jill. Maybe just having dinner or lunch taken care of for one day might help out a little. I remember Angie brought soup to me after Curtis came home and I ate it for lunch 3 days in a row and loved it.

So our day isn't going well. I'm not in a good place mentally right now either. Probably those darn hormones and the stress of worrying about the 'cane. Curt and I had a long talk last night about my feeling and he was nice and it felt good to talk about it. I am taking Jill's miscarriage badly. She ended up in the hospital Saturday because she was bleeding so badly. Apparently they did some tests and found out something between her and Rich doesn't agree (chemically) and now they know why it was hard to get preg and it didn't stick. Apparently she is on some shots now that might help out. I am getting this all third hand news so I don't know details but I can't stop thinking about her. On top of it I have become paranoid that there is something wrong with me and I won't be able to get preg ever again. I really want ot experience it all again and have another child so while Curt is fine if we don't get preg again I would take it very hard. He thinks I'm nuts since it's only been 2-3 months, but you know I'm a natural born worrier. My friend Teri has been trying for over a year w/o getting preg and she got preg the first try with her son. Listening to her story and Jill's story makes me worry. I was hoping if I threw myself into working out and cleaning the house it might take my mind off of it, but no such luck.

Speaking of, I borrowed Kimmie's carpet shampooer and I plan to try it out this weekend while Curt takes Curtis to the springs (that is if the weather is ok). Right now I'm going to scrub the tile grout in my kitchen because I'm never done it before and it's sooooo dirty. In fact, all of my floors are so dirty that if Curtis is in socks the bottoms are black by the end of the day. Yuck!

Tara

good day

I feel like I never post here happy so here goes...

Curtis had three nights in a row of night wakings which lead to me sleeping on his floor for half the night. Well, last night he slept through and today he took a LONG nap at 1 and 3/4 hours. He was so much easier to deal with as a well rested kid. He didn't fight the dipe changes or getting dressed or anything. It's amazing how kids can go from sleeping terribly to getting lots of sleep in just a days time.

We went to the gym and had a good workout this morning (well, he played in the child area). Then we went to the mall play area to meet a girl whom I bought a stroller from. It was $25 and a little newer and in better shape then mine. It also had some extra features like a slide off tray table that I wanted. Well, at the play area I bumped into MIL. We've been having issues but we just put them aside. She was there with my two step-nieces and we all ended up going to the food court for lunch. She bought all three kids kiddie meals at Chik-fil-A.

Then after we were home and Curtis was napping the roofers called and said they are coming to start on our new roof tomorrow. Yipppeee! They said tomorrow they tear it off and Sunday it will be inspected for dryness. Then they will be back on Monday to put the new roof on. I called DH to tell him and we decided to go to the beach tomorrow so we won't be stuck here listening to them pound all day. We only live 45 min from the beach yet we don't go very often so I'm excited. The last time we went was in June so Curtis may have even more fun and there is a cool restaurant there right on the beach that you eat at outside with great food. I'm already excited about it.

I guess my point it....I am having a good day.

T

introspective

We had MNO last night but only 2 other girls showed up. After a short while it became clear that I was the only one who didn't smoke pot or drink every night. Am I the only one who thinks drugs and alcohol ruin lives? Am I the only one who thinks it's wrong to get high while your toddler is sleeping in the next room? One girl has been TTC for almost 2 years and is just nowing trying to quit. She says she can't sleep w/o it and yet denies being addicted. The denial is amazing. I left feeling disgusted, outcast, and sad.

Curtis hasn't slept well in three nights. He's up crying a bunch and I eventually just go to sleep on the floor in his room. I am beginning to worry becuase he hasn't had trouble sleeping in a long time. DH thinks it's just teeth or growing pains and maybe he's right but I still worry and pray about it.

So this morning I'm all introspective. I worked out long and hard at the gym and realized that I am over critical of myself and others all the time and that I also have anger issues. I don't want to be that type of person. I decided that everytime I criticize someone, whether outloud or in my head, I need to follow it with an instant compliment. I had to use this twice as I watch two women at the gym. I figure if I catch myself everytime and reverse the criticism maybe I will eventually stop being so critical and negative. I'm big onto long term solutions right now. I'm just pluggin away at the gym hoping and waiting to gain more endurance, we keep doing the deed and hoping for a + preg test soon, and I will keep my mental state in check until I no longer need to.

I want to also join the anger support group at church and sign up for the Spanish class at the SCC campus near my house. This is my game plan. I figured it might help me to write it all down.

T

funk

I am using every bit of strength I have to muster up a moderate amount of optimism today. I am in a definite funk for sure. This AM was ok. We did a walk with the dog, the gym, and the library. I don't know why I punish myself by taking Curtis to story time at the library. I guess it's wishful thinking. I need to just give up on it for a little for sure. He is just too wild to sit for puppets and stories. Otherwise he was ok.

I did a lot of thinking last night and realized that I have a whole heck of a lot of anger inside of me. Mostly for things from the past (my Dad mostly but other stuff too). Now that I realize that the issue is really anger not depression, what to do????? I was hoping working out at the gym would help but that has only helped a little bit. I'm toying with the idea of going to the Anger and Anxiety group Tuesday nights at my church.

Ok, well, I'd better get my shower in before 'Wild Thing' wakes up.

T

bored?

Is anyone else bored? I mean I feel like I have nothing to look forward to, if that makes any sense. My DH gets all excited before his soccer games each week. I can see it in him and honestly I'm jealous. I go to my gym most week days and I do go to the park and shopping and such, but it feels like everything is a chore lately. I told DH that I think I'm nearing mommy-burnout. I spend so much of my week killing time with my son and desperatley trying to come up with ideas to keep us both busy and it's just not cutting it. I guess it doesn't help that my son is almost 20 months and very high needs. I do things for myself (working out, monthly nights out with my girlfriends, vegging out in front of the TV or computer nightly) but I still feel so bored. I feel so selfish for complaining because, for one thing I only have one child, and my DH doesn't necessarily work long hours and he does try to chip in around the house. I wonder if everyone else doubts thier ability to be a good SAH mother/wife. This is the best job I've ever had and yet I still feel like I'm not cutting it.

Tara

forgot

I forgot to mention that I finally gave Curtis a buzz cut. I've been toying with the idea for a while now. I hate it when his hair gets all sweaty and sticky so I just cut it on the longest setting our clippers have. I think it looks good and I'll never pay $ to have it cut by a salon again. Here's a look.

Tara

surrounded by sickness

Curtis is working on week two of a nasty chest cough. I did finally cave in and take him to the PED but she said what I thought. He just has a lingering cough. He's not sick really. So $15 co-pay was wasted and they didn't even have an samples to give me. Bahhh!

Curt was really sick earlier this week and actually stayed home from work and missed soccer yesterday. You know things aren't good when he does that. The doc was flaky with him and diagnosed him with allergies even though we are both sure it's not that.

So Curt is back at work today. His fever is gone but he still sounds all irritated in the throat. Hopefully it will not linger long. I keep waiting to get sick with all this illness around me. I'm washing my hands a ton, taking airborne most days, working out at the gym, and trying to eat healthy. I figure a good offense is the best defense.

Tara

worst day

I had the crappiest day yesterday. I'll tell you about it backwards. I woke up at 2 am after finally taking nyquil to fall asleep last night after 3 nights of insomnia and walked right into the bathroom door. We usually keep it open but DH closed it because....

Our toliet exploded on me before my shower last night and sprayed water all over me and my bathroom. It continued to make gurgling noises all night so DH closed the door to be able to sleep. He works a later shift today so he and Curtis are over at Lowe's trying to figure out how to fix it.

Before that I got my period.

Before that I taught the worst group of boys in Sunday School. I had to raise my voice several times and put one kid in time out about 5 times. I've never had a class like that before. Then I had to talk to his parents about him and they were kind of defensive. I hope they don't become regulars, as horrible as that sounds.

Before that my garage door broke and would only open and close if you held the button down, causing me to be late for Sunday School. DH has already fixed this prob.

Before that my DH abandoned me. We were supposed to go get haircuts for Curtis and I after his nap. Well I wanted to finish vacuuming and told them to wait outside for me. 5 min later I go out and they're gone. I kept checking on them and an hour later they show up. They were at our neighbors house. Apparently Curt forgot that quickly about the haircuts and went over to hang with Ken and Brandley to, "give me a break".

During that time I did a bunch of stuff. I wiped my fan blades (something I hardly ever do), I mopped (my old way, but it's better then nothing right?), wiped down my doors (I thought my friends were crazy for this one but I did get some smudges off), got all the cobwebs off the porch, and maybe a few other things.

I cried myself to a Nyquil induced sleep last night from all my frustration (and probably hormones).

Tara

all done

Well, it's official, I am no longer a breast feeding mother. It's been a little less than 48 hours since Curtis nursed last. I kept feeling like he was telling me he was done. He refused several times over the past two weeks and when he did nurse it would be a couple sucks and done. I think it's important that I listen to him, especially if I want him to listen to me. I feel both sad and gald. I'm confused and can't quite believe we're done. I keep trying to remember the last time he nursed really well, but I can't. I'm hoping this was the right thing to do. I love him so much. It's so hard to explain.

Here he is enjoying carvel.
T

Here we are watching the parade on the 4th of July. You probably can't see but Curtis has two fistfulls of candy. They threw it from the firetrucks and he had a balst collecting it for Mommy!!! ;)

monday

The gym went great this morning. Curtis seems pretty comfy there now and it's only been a week. I'm a little sad because he has started refusing to nurse during the day. I nurse him twice a day, once before nap and once before bed, but recently he won't take the boob before nap and asks for his binky instead. I think he is weaning himself and part of me is glad and part of me feels sad. Why would my little boy want that binky over his mommy? I'm wondering how much longer we will go. I can't even believe I've gone 19 months considering my goal was 6 months. I never would have guessed.

Curt started his new schedule today. Now he works 11-7 on Mondays and 7-4 the rest of the week. I think I'm gonna hate it this afternoon but this morning was nice. I went grocery shopping and left the two of them here. It was much easier w/o Curtis with me.

T