Friday, May 26, 2006

back to normal????

Well, I dropped my Mom off at the airport yesterday. Now things are sorta of back to normal. Curt took a half day today because we are going to a birthday/pool party for Curtis' best buddy Adam who turns 2 this weekend. Yipee, pizza and cake and swimming. Curt also has Monday off so this will be a nice long weekend.

Having my mom here was great and also stressful. She was very helpful with Curtis and around the house. The stress part came from the fact that we usually get along so well but I felt definite tension this time. We had a big blow out fight last November and this is the first time I've seen her since then, so I figure that must be part of the reason. It made me sad and stressed me out and no matter what, whenever I see my parents I always have days of reverberating sadness afterwards. Not sadness that I miss them, but sadness that my childhood was what I consider to be bad. They won't agree with me but I do feel that we were all emotionally abused (and some physical) by my Dad and I personally think my Mom is the poster child for denial. Now she gets all weird if I even mention something bad about my father. My guess is that she would feel guilty if she had to admit that she let her children stay in a house with an abusive father. Their denial caused me such mental anguish for years because I thought maybe they were right. Now I feel sure that his actions and words were not right and were not loving and good for us kids. I still feel an overwhelming need for them to admit this, and I don't know why since I know they probably never will. I also feel an overwhelming sadness that I don't get to have a Daddy who can love me like he should.

Oh well, now I'm sad. Here's a cute recent pic of my little man.


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