yesterday

I tried to post this yesterday but it never worked.

Ugh...I'm having the worst morning and I need to vent.First I got to Curtis' 18 month dr appointment 20 minutes early and they took me back to the exam room right away. Then I sat in a tiny exam room with a rambunctious toddler for 20 minutes. We had about 3 tantrums before the doc came in and spent 3 minutes with us.He is still skinny but not short anymore. He was a little over average for height but way below for weight and his ears and everything else were fine.

So then we go to the Sign Language class I signed him up for and that I've been all excited about. It is at a Montessori school in a classroom that is filled with stuff. There are puzzles and shells and blocks and stuff all over. Well the teacher wants Curtis to stay on the mat and play with the sign class toys. We had probably close to 10 meltdowns and I ended up stepping outside at one point because I felt like we were taking away from the other kids learning. It is impossible for him to be in a room filled with stuff and not explore it. Each time I (or the teacher) took him away from the shelves on the walls he threw a fit. It was so frustrating and exhausting and to top it off there weren't enough take home packs and since I was the last to sign up I didn't get one until the backordered packs come in. So we can't even go over the lesson at home now.

Then I'm driving home on I-4 listening to Curtis scream in the back seat and I see a big turtle trying to cross I-4. At this point I started crying. I'm at my wits end. I came home and put him straight in front of a video so I could take a minute for peace.

I'm so upset about this class. There are only 4 kids and only one his age. She is 17 months and a girl and she pretty much was the perfect student. I feel so disappointed and I also feel like I must be doing something wrong for him to behave this way. I think it's crazy to expect him to stay away from all that other stuff in the room, but obviously the teacher and school don't. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe Curtis shouldn't throw a fit everytime I tell him he can't have something.

Now for today. The A/C repair guys got here at 8:30am and said they hope to be done by 5pm. So my DH doesn't want me to leave them here alone, which means Curtis and I are stuck here in a no A/C house all day. Ho Hum.

Tara

18 months ago today

I was birthing my little baby boy. I wish I could say we've had a wonderful day so far but...well...honestly he's being a little punk this week. He's a little stuffy so I wonder if he is having trouble with his nose.

Anyway I got two books from the library yesterday that I'm so eager about. One is Disease-Proof Child by Dr. Furhman and the other is Easy to Love, Hard to Discipline, and I don't have the author here with me for that one.

Well, the Dr. Furhman book has me overwhelmed only one chapter in. I flipped around through some of the rest and pretty much feel like a huge failure. I wish I ate better than I do and I wish I knew why Curtis eats so little. I want to do better, but honeslty this book just makes me want to give up.

The other dicipline book is going well so far. I've only read the first chapter and haven't skimmed at all. I feel like I've only gotten an introduction of what the author plans to teach me so far and it seems great. I'm hopeful, but not going to beat myself up if I'm not perfect at the technique within a week. I tend to do this to myself when I get jazzed on an idea and can't manifest it in a short period of time.

My main reason for all this reading is that I feel like I'm failing my son. I feel like I'm feeding him all wrong and teaching him bad behavior. I will be the first to tell you I'm far from perfect. I have a short fuse and I am VERY moody. I wonder if a better diet would help the moodiness and I'm pretty sure that only self-dicipline will help the temper. I just hate going to bed each night feeling like I didn't give Curtis all that he needed.

Actually, I am leading you to believe I eat a bunch of junk but I'm not too bad. I am almost fully vegetarian and I eat very little dairy. I probably eat too many refined sugars still, but I am trying. Trust me, even the healthiest eater in the world would feel insecure after reading what this guy prescribes. I am not doubting him. In fact I admire him and wish he would come stay with me for a week and help me get on tract. It's just very overwhelming, I guess.

T

Happy Belated Memorila Day

We had a fun weekend, did you? We washed all of our cars, went to a memorial day parade, did some yard work and gardening, and ate some Mexican food (I know that's not too patriotic but it's the perfect thing to eat in this Florida heat).

I don't know if I posted here that my Mom got a new car and offered me her old one. I had a '97 Taurus and her's is a '99 so we said sure. Once I sell the '97 the deal is that I give her the money we get. They weren't gonna get much on the trade in so they came up with this win/win idea. It was a nice thing for them to do and I got a nice upgrade of two years and about 25K miles. So we washed all the cars since we needed to get the green one ready for selling. Washing cars isn't too bad when you do it together on a hot day. Even Curtis got in on the action.

Sanford, FL had a nice Memorial day parade yesterday. It was great free family entertainment and Curtis got some cool treats. He got some candy (really for Mommy), a couple pencils, and a frisby (really for Sebastian the dog). He really seemed to enjoy seeing all the police cars and floats.

I am feeling yucky today due to AF. She gave me a week of terrible PMS (panic attacks from hell) and finally showed up yesterday afternoon. I feel weak and my belly is weird. I'm off to make some iced raspberry leaf tea to enjoy this afternoon when Curtis wakes up.

T

back to normal????

Well, I dropped my Mom off at the airport yesterday. Now things are sorta of back to normal. Curt took a half day today because we are going to a birthday/pool party for Curtis' best buddy Adam who turns 2 this weekend. Yipee, pizza and cake and swimming. Curt also has Monday off so this will be a nice long weekend.

Having my mom here was great and also stressful. She was very helpful with Curtis and around the house. The stress part came from the fact that we usually get along so well but I felt definite tension this time. We had a big blow out fight last November and this is the first time I've seen her since then, so I figure that must be part of the reason. It made me sad and stressed me out and no matter what, whenever I see my parents I always have days of reverberating sadness afterwards. Not sadness that I miss them, but sadness that my childhood was what I consider to be bad. They won't agree with me but I do feel that we were all emotionally abused (and some physical) by my Dad and I personally think my Mom is the poster child for denial. Now she gets all weird if I even mention something bad about my father. My guess is that she would feel guilty if she had to admit that she let her children stay in a house with an abusive father. Their denial caused me such mental anguish for years because I thought maybe they were right. Now I feel sure that his actions and words were not right and were not loving and good for us kids. I still feel an overwhelming need for them to admit this, and I don't know why since I know they probably never will. I also feel an overwhelming sadness that I don't get to have a Daddy who can love me like he should.

Oh well, now I'm sad. Here's a cute recent pic of my little man.

T

hello again

Here we are on the Wednesday before mother's day.

My mother is coming to visit for a week starting tomorrow. I do have to finsh cleaning up but thought I should update because I've been blog lazy lately.

Mother's day was nice except we are all sick. I got sick on Thursday night. I think Curtis already was sick and now Curt has it too. The congestion is just lingering and driving me nuts. I blow my nose and cough about a million times a day and have to wipe Curtis' nose a lot too. He absolutely hates having his nose or face wiped. It sends him into back arching hysterics.

Later,
T

sorry

I've been MIA for no good reason. Well, I did try to post once and DH was downloading a huge file so I got tired of waiting for the window to open and gave up. So, we'll just make this easy and blame it on him!

We had a talk recently about our relationship because I was feeling like it was falling off track. I guess maybe sometimes we just need to talk about what is bothering us so we can get it out and over with. Things are better now, not perfect, but better.

Curtis was terrible at library story time this morning and I don't think I should take him to the library at all anymore. He threw fit after fit and ran right into a glass wall and fell down screaming at one point. I had to abandon my purse and books and take him outside to calm him down. He's in rare form today and I'm over it. He hits me when I don't let him have his way, and while it doesn't hurt, I do worry about his tendency towards violence. Maybe it's just a toddler thing, but you know how it is with FTM's, we always worry that our kid is turning into a psycopath.

Well, I'm off to find some non computer activity.

T

ugh

Not feeling great today for many reasons.

Sometimes the internet can be a great thing for an isolated SAHM, and then sometimes it can be the worst thing. Sometimes I get too involved in a discussion that turns into a debate that then commands too much of my attention with ignorance and negativity. I blame myself for letting myself get involved in that sort of thing and it has put a little bit of a damper on my weekend.

I have a headache that I'm hoping means my period is coming since I'm a little overdue.

The weather is cloudy and cool which is a nice change but kind of adds to my blah feeling.

I haven't cooked in days and feel like I'm spending too much $ on take out etc. That being said I had some awsome sushi from a place in Lake Mary last night. We used to frequent this place called Lee's Palace all the time when we lived there. Yesterday we went to LM to get Curtis' first haircut at a special salon for kids (hence the above pic). IT actually didn't go as badly as that pic makes it look. Afterwards we spur of the moment decided to pick up the sushi and it was great.

I'm gonna go shower now.

T

Wednesday

We went to the splash pad in Winter Springs today and met up with a few friends. Curtis is still very hesitant about the splash pad and any other water type activities. He will run through while holding my hand but once I let go he is right back over by the fence. This pad is nice because it also has a little kid's playground so once he was tired of the water we went over and played some more over there. I didn't get any pics because he really doesn't let go of my hand much. It's too bad because I'd love to have a pic of him spashing in the fountain.

Curt and I had our same sex fight last night. He wants it all the time and I hardly ever want it. I always feel so guilty but it also feels like I'm in high school with him saying, "Please, I'm all backed up." I mean...seriously....Oh well. I'll give in soon, it just wasn't happening last night.

T

MIL Nightmares and Sod

I never would have guessed how crazy my MIL could make me in just two days and two nights. It was bad and needless to say I will be saying no from now on when she wants to visit for more than an hour or two. I can't believe how much she can disrespect me in my own home in front of my own husband who then procedes to either laugh or ignore her attitude. Curt and I had a long talk about it and I do understand that with our strenuous work resodding he was a bit out of it and thus was not really able to "stick up for me" like I believed he should, but still..... It has become clear to me that this will become a big item of contention between us if we don't deal with it. I have tried and tried but I think she is a toxic person and I truly believe that the only way for me to retain a sane marriage is for me to avoid her at all costs. This is not going to be easy since she lives so close (and might be moving closer) and she is constantly calling, emailing, begging to visit.

After this week's visit I am taking a no-more-Mrs.-nice-gal approach and just saying no more often. She can visit with Curtis a resonable amount of time but that's it. I guess I'm back to screening my calls again too. I can't tell you (or anyone for that matter) how upsetting this is to me. I really don't want this and I know it puts both Curt and I in a hard place, but I have tried and tried and bent over backwards to let this woman into our lives and all I get is criticism, complaints, attitude and disrespect. According to her I must not do anything right and my self-esteem cannot handle weekly assaults from her.

I'm sorry to dump this negativity here but it does help just to share my feelings. I'm praying that we will be able to find a balance that I can enjoy and she can deal with. On the bright side, she leaves for a 3 week vacation this Friday.

Sooooooo, we are both so sore and tired from resodding, but it is worth it. The backyard looks great and we got some rain yesterday too! We are going to take such good care of that lawn after all the manual labor we put in. I will never do that again because it seriously was the hardest work I've ever done. I've also convinced Curt that we should get rid of the big shed and get a tiny one for just the lawn equiptment and then we can put this portable pool I got in that spot. A friend I met online who owns a pool company sent me this portable pool for free because she only had four left and they were no longer going to sell them. I figure we can have it all done by next summer and maybe I'll be big and preggo and able to float in my own pool during the hot months of 2007. Plus I think Curtis will really like it too. It looks like it will be easy enough to care for on the instructions on the package and I'm hoping the pump doesn't up our power bill too much since it's such a small pool (12' diameter).

Here's a look at my little guy trying to help my big guy resod.

T

Post Easter Blahs

Here we are after church on Easter Sunday all dressed up (this is rare).

Well, I've been feeling blah lately. I just feel tired and achy all the time. Our weather has been a little cloudy but that is actually good because it's keeping the Florida heat down. I've been doing my yoga again at night hoping that will help but unfortunately I've been bad in every other aspect of my life. I'm eating junk food like crazy (I blame the holiday), I'm on this computer and in front of the boob tube way too much, and I have not written, painted, sewed or crocheted since the day before Easter. One thing at a time, I guess. So I'm off to do laundry and hopefully finsh a painting I started a week ago and then abandoned.

T

Easter basket

Do you find yourself wondering what I made for my son's easter basket? Well, here is a picture of the bunny I made for him. It is only so-so but I'm ok with that. I used fabric from Joann's clearance rack. The patterned fabric has oranges and other citrus fruit on it so I'm calling this my Florida Easter Bunny. I'll post pics from todays egg hunt and of his whole basket this weekend.

T

Easter Bunny Visit

I've been on the computer a bunch today and still haven't come here. Oh how I'm sure my millions of readers are upset (sarcasm). I have several things to say but have only uploaded a few pics.

So here is Curtis at the Altamonte mall with the Easter Bunny. They let us take pictures ourselves which is good since they were charging $16.99 for one 5x7! Robbery, I say! Isn't he the cutest little guy on a scary bunny you've seen?

T

continued

Here are the two boys playing in the sand.

Birthday Bag

Yesterday we went to a birthday party at Downey Park in Orlando for a little girl named Sofia who turns two this week. We played like crazy and had pizza and Sesame Street cupcakes. It was great. Curtis and his buddy Adam (see previous post) had the most fun playing in the sand on the volleyball court. The two of them were so cute crawling through the sand and trying to throw it at each other. Curtis still can't throw things quite right. He seemed to let go of the sand while his hand was right overtop of his head thus showering himself with the sand instead of pelting the friend he was aiming at. We left for home very tired, dirty, and full of sugar.

This is a picture of the bag I made from these directions http://www.supereggplant.com/archives/000216.html for the birthday girl. I was a little unhappy with it and made a second one that I was actually even more unhappy with. I'm still working on my technique. Thanks do go out to my DH for doing the lettering. My hand is not steady enough for it to look nice enough for my perfectionist mind.

T

Visiting Sebring

Yesterday we drove the two hour drive down to Sebring to visit my Aunt Vera, Uncle Carl, Great Uncle Roscoe and Mom-Mom (grandmother). This was the first time Curtis got to meet his great grandmother and great-great Uncle Roscoe. We had a good visit even thought it was really hot and they don't have their AC on yet. My Aunt made some great food for us and Curtis actually ate a lot.

My Uncle Roscoe gave me a box of chocolates and a bag of his wife jewlery. My Aunt Clarinda (Kendy) died several years ago. Recently Uncle Roscoe moved into a religious retirement community and tried to sell off a lot of his belongings. Well this jewlery was the stuff that didn't sell. There is a lot of turquoise and some of it seems like it came from trips abroad. I found out yesterday that my Uncle Roscoe used to work for Howard Hughes in Las Vegas. The family rumor is that he has lots of money but I never realized that he was a supervisor under Howard Hughes. He and his wife never had kids and we really like each other so he has kind of taken us under his wing. He is very religous and it makes him happy that we have found a church here that we love.

On that note, I start my sunday school teaching tonight and I'm nervous and excited. I hope it goes well and is fun. I know once I get there and get started it will be okay.

T

as promised

Here is the pic I promised.

MIL strikes again

I don't have much to say but I wanted to post a picture. Here is a shot of Curtis and his buddy Adam (22 months), my friend Teri's son, playing on the cars in the mall. Aren't they cute? We had fun.

Today has been pretty blah. We went to the park. Then he napped and my Mom called and I talked to her the whole nap. Oh yeah, get this, my MIL called because her DH is going out of town for 4 days w/o her and she wanted to know if she could stay with us. I asked if she was scared to stay alone and she said, "No I just want to spent more time with you guys." WTH, she is over here every week, calls 3-4 times a week, and emails every day. How much more involved can she be. I hemmed and hawwed and I could tell she was sad. She ended up saying, "Well, I guess we could at least meet for lunch." I mean, what a terrible place to put me in. I seriously could not stand 4 days straight, weekdays mind you, of he telling me I'm mothering wrong. There is no way for this to end nicely. Can I just say ARGH!

T

Ok the pic won't load. I'll try tomorrow.

Good Day

Well, so far I am having a good day so I thought I'd blog about it.
First off, maybe you heard that UF won the NCAA title last night. I'm not into college basketball as much as NBA, but Curt and I have been following the championships this year and of course we've been pulling for Florida. Curt stayed up til almost midnight last night watching the game. I woke up once or twice to his cheers but otherwise he was able to stay pretty quiet. He asked me to buy the paper today so we can add it to our collection since this is the first time Florida has ever won. We have a collection of newspapers from days when big events take place, so this will be a nice addition.
Second, I talked to a woman at church this morning and it looks like I am going to be an assistant teacher in a sunday school class on Sunday night from now on. They have been asking for volunteers for a while now and I was really moved by the sermon last week so I signed up. The sermon hit on one topic that was basically saying that if you spend less time focusing in on your own emotional pain you will have more time to be closer to God. You can actually listen to the sermon at http://www.northlandcc.net/ if you want. Since I seem to have too much time to "focus on my emotional pain" I thought helping out at church was the perfect answer. I love the church and the childcare/sunday school system they have is outstanding. Sunday school starts at age 3, and I will either be in the 4 or 5 year old class. Basically they give you a curriculum and there are two teachers per class. One is the leader and the other is the assistant. The outline I have says it involves taking attendence, reading stories, singing songs, doing puppet shows, etc. It sounds like fun to me and I can't wait for Curtis to be old enough for it. Right now he just goes in a room with toys and plays. I totally understand that they can't really try to teach a kid that young. So, I can't believe it since I've never known much about theology or elementary education, but I think it's gonna be pretty cool really.
The third cool thing is just that I went to good will today to drop off some old clothes and found a bunch of good books. I got two for me and three for Curtis for less than $4. One of the books I got for myself is a memoir written by a famous English professor who actually taught one of my professors at UNCG.
I've been reading a blog for a few months now by a Vegan woman who just gave birth. Here she is http://www.knockedupvegan.com/. Well, just looking at the pictures of her little one has me thinking about number two. I actually had already been thinking about it but the pictures just make we think more. We have a little plan to start trying in October but I started to wonder if that is waiting too long. I definitely don't want another December baby, but a spring baby sounds nice. If we wait until October we will be having a late summer/early fall baby. That sounds fine but mean being big and preg in the hottest month in Florida, not to mention hurricane season. Oh, I don't know. One day I think I'm ready now and the next I wonder if I really want another at all. It's scary and I know it will be hard but I just can't imagine not experiencing pregnancy and labor and birth and breast feeding and infant again. Just because I feel this way I'm adding a pic of Curtis right after he was born. Ahhhhhhhhhh, sigh.

T

Hello Monday

Yesterday's church service was great. My church is really awsome www.northlandcc.net. I've never been a member of a church like this and I've only been going here regularly for about 2 years. I signed up this weekend to help with Sunday School. It surprises me because I know little about theology or elementary education, but they have everything already planned for you so I'll just be helping out and following the lead of the leader. The paperwork says it could involve computer sign ups, attendence, puppeteering, singing, etc. I'm a little excited about it as it sounds like fun.

At church they talked about how we should all stop focusing on our own emotional pain. Dr. Hunter talked about how this is a great way to help yourself become closer with God and thus a happier person. I'm hoping that my volunteer work at the church will help me to spend less time focusing on any emotional pain I have. It really makes sense to me.

Today we slept in really late, I'm sure due to daylight savings. Then we went to the library storytime and then Merrill Park. The park is great because it is all in the shade and it has gotten hot here. We ate sandwiches and goldfish crackers I had packed as a picinic. Now Curtis is napping and I am getting ready for my MIL to come babysit while I got to my chiro appointment.

T

Saturday, in the park

You know you're getting old when the great events of a Saturday include going to Joann's, Home Depot, and the park.

I got to go to Joann's all by myself while Curtis napped and Curt worked on his new sculpture. Usually I have to take Curtis and he isn't very patient when his Mommy stands in front of the clerance fabrics for an hour trying to decide which fabrics match for a new bag she's making. I scoured the clerance bins all through the store and got some neat stuff for a bag I'm making. It is for a little girl named Sofia who is turning two years old this month. I also bought 3 canvas boards with my 40% off coupon for a total of less than $4. It will be fun to paint on something besides corrugated cardboard.

It's hot here and this room is the hottest in the house so I'm going to keep this short. I think it's almost time to turn the A/C on but I'm trying to avoid it as long as possible since our power bills have been low lately (well, not really low with all the raised rates, but lower than when the A/C or heat are on).

T