Latest Ironic Addition

We have a new family member here at the Fisher house (irony #1). Please meet Bobby the beta fish. Curtis picked him out and named him all by himself. We already very much enjoy watching him swim and feeding him smelly fish flakes everyday. He inspired the following work of short fiction from me today (irony #2).

Ironic short story about Bobby

I was sitting and staring into Bobby's bowl the other day. I looked around at the white rocks and small plant in there and began to wonder if fish can feel bordom. I sat and stared into his bowl for a while thinking about this.

T

Cupcakes

They're done! My first Martha recipe turned out good. They taste great in my opinion, but I love oatmeal cookies.

I'm sending a few to work with DH tomorrow because his manager always asks for my oatmeal macaroons when I make them so I figure maybe she'll like these too. Plus I got 2 dozen of them so I may as well share!

The recipe says it makes 2 1/2 dozen, but I did not measure the cupcakes out precisely so I got 2 dozen. It was just too hard to measure 2 1/2 tblsps of one batter and 1 1/2 tblsps of the other, so I eyed it. The only problem I had, if you can call it a problem, is that it took a while for my brown sugar to blend with the white sugar and butter. There were hard "rocks" of brown sugar that I had to mush on the side of the bowl with my spatula. No big deal though really. For a Martha recipe this was actually quite quick and easy for the most part. The only ingredient I couldn't find at Publix was wheat bran, but I didn't look super hard since a little boy I was with was really whiney at the time. I went to Economy Health this AM for yogurt (a whole other story) and picked some up there for super cheap.

All in all I am very happy about this and plan to do another Martha recipe next week. If you are a Martha fan and have a suggestion feel free to leave it in the comments.

T

1/3 life crisis

Assuming I live to be 90ish, I'm 1/3 through my life now.

I just don't know about this anymore. This trying to get preg thing is starting to get to me again. I can't seem to quiet that tiny voice of hope in my mind even though I know I'm not preg this cycle. I just know it. Yet, still I have that tiny hope. It is so defeating to try over and over and fail each time. There is no C+ in TTC, it is a pass or fail subject and so far I'm about 4 F's into it. The funny thing is when we were trying for Curtis I told DH that we would give ourselves 6 months before we got worried. Then it happened on the second try. So this time I just assumed it would be fast and didn't prepare myself for this at all. I know four tries isn't much compared to some but it is a complete mind screw. I am a faithful Christian and yet I cannot get over my sadness that there are so many caring healthy women trying and trying with nothing happening while crack heads and teenagers get preg "by accident". I know I was not meant to understand but I still strive for this understanding I can never reach. I am sure one day I will look back on these feeling and cringe, but today is today not the future.

On another note....no Martha's oatmeal cupcakes today because I couldn't for the life of me find oat bran at the publix. I guess I'm going to have to try Economy Health or Chamberline's or something. I was so ready too....soon I hope to be posting about a delicious Martha's cupcake.

I did pick up a few canvas boards with a coupon and giftcard at Joanne's today. I love the fact that my gym is right next to Joanne's. First craft shopping and then namaste. A perfect combo in my book. I feel crafty but nothing has really come to me recently until this AM when I was in the garage and got hit by an idea to paint. So what the heck am I doing here whining on this computer you ask? I do not know....

T

One more thing

My boy is defnitely an Eagles fan no matter where we live!

Monday

Oh my I have written a post in my head 100 times today and now I'm here with 4 mins to post and nothing coming out.

This is a terrible picture but the battery died in my camera before I could get a close up so this is what you get on the yoga mat bag.

First off if one more person says to me that "it" will happen when the time is right I'm going to go balistic. Yes I realize that "it" will happen when the time is right. Don't you think I've already thought that? Don't you think the time is right NOW? I certainly do. Now go away until you have something intelligent or sympathetic to say.

Second off, Curtis must be coming down with something because he is Mr. whiney grouchy pants today. I did finally get the seat put on the back of my bike and I took him out for a ride on it. It was much more difficult than I assumed to get it on and I had difficulties balancing once on the bike myself. Probably since we are a combined 125 lbs on the bike, 25 of those being right above the back wheel. He was so quiet back there is his hand-me-down pink girl's bike helmet. I asked him a couple of times if he was ok and he just said, "mmmmmmmm". Since he pretty much cried and clinged to me like a baby monkey all morning, I considered this to be a positive response and biked around the block a few times.

The yoga mat bag is done and was in use this AM at yoga class. I still need to add the draw string but since it works w/o it I'm afraid it may never get put in since I'm just that way. I need a new sewing project badly. I hope to get some time to skim blogs and steal ideas tomorrow.

Going shopping tomorow I hope. As long as Terminix let's me leave the dog in the back yard I should be ok. Then I'm tackling my first Martha Stewat recipe. I can't wait. I am so obsessed with Martha right now. I need a subscription so badly. MIL said she had some things like frequent flyer miles for magazines or something and she's gonna see if she can get me a subscription. I'll post if I bake the cupcakes tomorrow.

T

oh no

Last month I got a feeling about a week and a half before AF was due that I wasn't preg. Just this evening I had that same feeling. An overwhelming disappointing saddness where I feel like I just know it didn't happen. I don't want to let it get me down but the truth is it does. I feel so low now because I told myself I'd trust my intuition this month. This is the first time this month that I've acutally thought about how it would feel to not be preg again and it's a bit overwhelming. I wonder if it ever gets easier. I wonder what we're doing wrong since my cycles are so regular and we time BD so right. I wonder why I'm so invested in this mentally when logically I know it will be ok if it waits a few more months to happen. I am a SAHM and I feel bored and I feel like I've invested so much in getting preg again that every month that it doesn't happen just leaves me with more time to wonder what's worng and what I should be doing abou it.
Just some overwhelming thougts. Thanks for letting me vent.

a little of this and that

I'm having a couple of anti-people days in a row. Yesterday I was treated so poorly at Walmart that I've decided to join in on the boycott of said establishment. Today I've encountered two people who were rude in very shallow uncaring ways and I'm now questioning the goodness of people and feel the need to begin a few days of reclusion (is that a word?).

I am supposed to be sewing my yoga mat bag right now but mistakenly left the fabric I intend to use in my son's closest and he is napping. I wouldn't dare go in there and risk waking him so it'll have to wait until tomorrows' nap time. After writing this I do plan to go make some cornbread muffins because last time I made them Curtis (this picky eatter son of mine) loved them. If you want to know I plan to use this idea/pattern for the mat bag http://www.figandplum.com/archives/000016.html. I'll post about it when/if it gets done.

Right now I'm kind of on a Martha Stewart fix. I was given a couple of old Martha Stewart Living magazines recently and just can't get enough of them. That woman can throw a party. I would never attempt what she does but it is somehow satistfying to just read about it and enjoy all the fancy pictures. I don't have much of an opinion about her troubles and I have heard she is a control freak, but I don't really care as long as she keeps throwing these great parties and offering up these recipes for me to read and ogle and perhaps some day try. I was recommended this recipe http://www.marthastewart.com/page.jhtml?type=content&id=recipe2210055 and as soon as I go shopping next week I will be trying it out. They sound like something I would love with the oatmeal and coconut and all. I'll let you know about these too.

So that's it here in the land of the dinosaurs. Definitely feeling prehistoric today after my anti-people feeling combined with my workout at the gym. I'm doing muscle building stuff like crazy and drinking protein shakes so I had better start gaining weight here soon. Also snuck a 15 min lay on the hydrotherapy bed which was good for these tired muscles of mine.

T

TV

Here is Curtis with his best buddy from the gym childcare area Alex.

My new favorite show is now Hero. It is great although some scenes were a little gory for me. Now I have three shows I'm addicted to and I will not watch anymore and let the TV suck up any more of my evenings. I love Hero, The Office, and of course...Gilmore Girls', my not-so-secret indulgence.

Things here are quiet. Just plugging away. I lost some weight and I now weigh 97 lbs so I'm trying to gain 8 lbs to be 105 by December. I've cut out 90% of my cardio and I'm focusing on weights, yoga, and core classes. Wish me luck!

T

better...knock wood

Here is Curtis with the fruit bouquet my parents sent to me for my b'day. I've been fascinated with these things for a while so I was really happy to recieve it. Curtis liked to chew up the purple grapes and spit out the skins and I have been enjoying the rest of it all weekend.

Things are sorta kinda looking up around here. We are still dealing with bugs but Terminix is coming Friday and will hopefully take care of them.

I got an oven off of freecycle this weekend. Curt and his step-bro Richie went and picked it up in Maitland in Richie's truck. It's not as nice looking as mine but it works and was free. So, we moved mine out to the garage because I have not given up on it and I plan to figure out how to get my hands on a replacement thermostat and get it up and running again sometime in the future. Until then, I'm using this freecycled one that works fine and looks so-so.

This AM I went to the Chiro and had an adjustment and accupunture. Then I had a great yoga class at the gym so we had a pretty good morning. Curtis went down for his nap with no trouble and has already been sleeping for almost an hour and a half which is great for him. I cleaned the bathroom and surfed the net and then had a snack of pistacio nuts and strawberries. I'm trying very hard to stay away from junk food and it's difficult. I don't really have any in the house but I did see a half empty bag of chocolate chips in the pantry and can't stop thinking about it. So...here I am.

Yesterday I started a plan to write once a day for about 20-30 mins. I've started a short story and I think I just need dedication to finish it. So that is where I am off to now.

T

squeegee, ridiculous, muffin, and rhinoceros.

It’s a meme I got from my friend Frog. She gave four words and we are to write something about each of them. My words are: squeegee, ridiculous, muffin, and rhinoceros.

Squeegee - Is a very funny word. Not many words have a q and 4 e's in them. I don't own one but when I worked out in Yellowstone Nat. Park I learned from the gas station attendents in the park how to use one on my car windshield in a manner that leaves no spots or streaks. You basically squeegee in an upward motion from the middle of the wiperblades up and curve out towards the side of the car. Hard to explain, but everytime I do it at a gas station I think of Yellowstone Nat. Park.

ridiculous - Is actually a hard one to spell without looking it up. Things around me seem ridiculous a lot of the time. What would the definition be anyway...."deserving ridicule, absurd". Sounds like my life now-a-days.

muffin - I like this word because I love to bake. I try out new recipes all the time and I have a really good blueberry muffin recipe that calls for oats and sour cream. DH hates it because it's a little healthy, but I love it. Right now my oven is broken and I have no idea when or how it will be fixed or replaced. It makes me sad that I can't bake a cake or casserole or bread or even some muffins.

Rhinoceros - This is one of the animals in Curtis' plastic safari animal set that gives me troubles. Who knows what noise a rhino makes? I can do a monkey and elephant and lion and tiger noise but then we get to rhino and I just make a kind of adapted lion roar. Giraffe is another one and for that I make a crunch noise like it might sound eating a leaf from a tree.

***That was random but fun and since I have nothing but complaining to do now-a-days it spared anyone reading from my whiney attitude. If you want to play your words are loaf, necklace, Mary, and calendar. Leave a comment and I'll read what you have to say about it.

T

ugh

Not doing well at all here. More ticks have infested. They came back and sprayed more this AM but it looks like we're going to have to buy a package where they come every other month for a while. Keith next door said he had the same prob and they just got worse not better until he scheduled regular sprays of the house and yard. It'll be $60 a month and that'll be tough.

I've never felt more defeated in my life. I'm not preg, Curtis woke with a cold yesterday, we have bugs, our roof died, our A/C died, my oven is still dead and I turn 31 tomorrow. I'm struggling and Curt can't help because he is also bummed about it all. Actually, he isn't upset at all about not being preg because he thinks it's still early and likes the "trying" best anyway, but he is also pretty bummed about the bugs. I went for a long drive last night at 9:15pm and rolled the windows down and played loud music and tried to quiet the storm in my mind. It didn't work too much but my friend Teri called this am and I talked to her for a while and she gave me a pep talk that helped some. It's usually easier to be logical with other people's problems and I kind of did the same thing for her back in July when she turned 34.

Anyway, I'm going to go burn some candles to get rid of the poison smell in my house and try to clean up a little. I still haven't been grocery shopping this week and have no idea when I'll get there. MIL wants to take me out tomorrow for lunch so we're meeting at Fazoli's since it was my choice. Otherwise, I plan to lay really low for a while.

Neil Young said, "It's hard enough losing with out the confusion of knowing I tried." and boy was he right.

Tara

TTC and AF and all that craziness

This has been one of the worst days for me this year. So much went wrong including my Curtis woke suddenly and unexpectedly sick with a cold, my dog and house are re-infested with ticks (this is our second infestation and these things are freakin bionic we can't get rid of them), I got a low temp, I got spot, and a ton of other little things along the way. At one point I started bawling crying and Curtis came over, looked at me, and started bawling too. He's been extra clingy due to the cold so we hugged and cried together and it actually made me feel a little better.

I POAS this morning to get a BFN and then spot came this afternoon. I saw my chiro this morning and he did some lower back adjustments that he said should help loosen the nerves in my reproductive area to help TTC. I'm scheduled for some accupunture a week from today and he plans to do it on my lower back and abdomin to help "open up" the area. I really love this guy because he's the only medical doc I've ever had that has really listened and cared. I hope what he does helps.

It's only been three months but now each time I get AF I feel like such a failure. I know each time we only have like 25% chance and that it is perfectly average to take this long but since I conceived Curtis on the second try I just feel like it must be something I'm doing wrong. I really didn't want a summer baby in FL. This is such a mind blow.

As I promised myself this next month will be different. I'm focusing on my love for DH and DS and our desire to grow our family and I'm taking the focus off of desperatley temping and checking myself etc. Of course I will be aware of these things, but I PROMISE myself for my own good to relax more about it.

Ok, I wrote a novel because I really needed to vent about this crappy day I had.

T

For some reason this pic wouldn't load.

4th anniversary

Today is my 4th wedding anniversary. We just got back from our long weekend vacation so we decided to go low key. We ordered Chinese and exchanged gifts. We decided weeks ago to make gifts this year. We looked up the traditional gifts for the 4th anniversary, which are flowers and fruit, and made the rule that the gift had to be hand made and incorporate those items in some way. Here are our projects. I made Curt the abstract painting which incorporates some sandollars we found on our vaca and he made me the apple painting. Curt also brought me a bag of mini crunch bars because I've been craving these for weeks and he actually paid attention to what I was saying this time around. Yum!

T

Vaca

Well, we're back from our short vacation. We went for 3 days and 2 nights to New Smyrna beach w/o Curtis. This was our first time away from him over night and it went well.

We rented a condo from Curt's HR lady and she gave us a great deal. The weather was perfect and the sea was a little rough but there was a pool too so we didn't mind at all. The room had cable TV in the living room and bed room so we were loving it (we don't have cable). I stayed up late in the bed room watching food network while Curt was in the living room watching the sci fi channel each night. We got lots of relaxation and time to hang together. We were romantic and playful and relaxed and came home to our happy little son yesterday afternoon.

He did seem a little weird when we first got home but was back to normal in no time. Curt had today off too and I've gotten a ton done while he and Curtis had some time together. I vacuumed and swiffered and used a borrowed carpet shampooer. Tomorrow I plan to take a yoga class at my gym for the first time if I don't chicken out. I haven't officially worked out in 4 days althought playing shuffleboard and frisbee should count for something. I've been wanting to do a yoga class for a while but keep chickening out since I'm so shy at the gym. It's just easier to put on my headphones and run on the treadmill. I think I'll really like the yoga since I loved it when I did it years ago and it should help some with my obsessing over fertility. Still have about 5 days or so before AF is due so we're still waiting to see around here.....it stinks.

Tara

breaking

Everything is breaking around me recently. In the past three months I had to spend $5K on a new A/C, the $3K of our money and $6K of insurance money on a new roof. Today my oven broke on me. What the hell is next? Curt's job is in serious danger. We found out the day before we were supposed to spend the day in Disney and he had to stay and work that day to meet the boss of the company that just took over his company. Who knows what will happen. I'm trying to stay happy and optimistic but it's hard.

We did go to Disney on Saturday instead so we didn't get to see the Wiggles but we spend a long tiring day at the park as you can see.

T

Friends

Let's start this off with a cute pic of my little guy hanging with his three best friends.

I am in a spot right now and I really don't like it. In fact, I really don't like many people right now. Where are all the people I can relate too?

I have a good friend who I can pretty much relate to about almost everything but alas, she lives in Missouri. Unfortunately she is not moving to FL any time soon and I am not moving to Missouri, well, ever.

I have one close friend I hang with regularly here in FL but while she is laid back and nice and cool to be around and talk to, she has a few bad habits that I cannot understand. I try not to judge her but I am a firm believer that drugs and alcohol destroy lives and I hate to see her in denial about such things. So our friendhsip is what it is and nothing more. We are friends but will probably never be closer than we are right now.

I am a member of a message board that I have been on for over 2 years now. I am slightly obessed with the board and the women who post on it and unfortunatley several of them have views on certain topics which I disagree with strongly. There is a bit of a double standard on the board which I have come to accept but it pains me to hold my tongue so. I try to break from the board on a regular basis and find it has a grip on me and my boredom that I cannot easily break. I guess this is my addiction (the internet).

I have had issues with feeling outcast my entire life and I think I bring it on myself at times. Like when I obsess and check my "board" over and over reading post after post of negative defeatist attitudes. There are things I believe in passionately (the benefit of breast feeding, non-induced labor, avoidance of over use of chemicals like meds) that these women don't seem to find that important. I know I don't want a world where everyone agrees with me all the time but I also don't want a world where most people live a life that is completely against my beliefs. How do I rectify this? I have found blogs by women whom I respect very much, but I would also love to meet women like this IRL.

This has been one of my life long struggles.

T

It looks like this TS is headed right at us now. It is supposed to hit ground at a cat 1 in Miami so we are hoping by the time it gets to us it will be less than that. Maybe we will just get strong TS winds and not hurricane winds. I am praying that the damage is little and we don't lose power for long.

So this morning I was packing my gym things in the car while Curtis was playing in the garage. I then got him strapped in and started to back the car out and heard a terrible noise. Then I pulled forward and got out to find out what had happened. Well, apparently Curtis had opened the little door to my gas opening thingy. When I backed out the door folded backward, dented my car, and ripped off. I'm so bummed about it but it's really no one's fault. Maybe I should have been watching him in the garage better, I don't know.

Also this morning I saw my across the street neighbor standing by the curb crying. I walked by and asked if she was ok. She said no and then explained that her next door neighbor just found out she has lung cancer. They have been next door to each other and best friends for 27 years. They both sit on the porch and smoke like crazy so it's not a surprise, but it is still sad. She is starting chemo soon. I am thinking of making a big pot of homemade soup and bringing half to her and the other half to Jill. Maybe just having dinner or lunch taken care of for one day might help out a little. I remember Angie brought soup to me after Curtis came home and I ate it for lunch 3 days in a row and loved it.

So our day isn't going well. I'm not in a good place mentally right now either. Probably those darn hormones and the stress of worrying about the 'cane. Curt and I had a long talk last night about my feeling and he was nice and it felt good to talk about it. I am taking Jill's miscarriage badly. She ended up in the hospital Saturday because she was bleeding so badly. Apparently they did some tests and found out something between her and Rich doesn't agree (chemically) and now they know why it was hard to get preg and it didn't stick. Apparently she is on some shots now that might help out. I am getting this all third hand news so I don't know details but I can't stop thinking about her. On top of it I have become paranoid that there is something wrong with me and I won't be able to get preg ever again. I really want ot experience it all again and have another child so while Curt is fine if we don't get preg again I would take it very hard. He thinks I'm nuts since it's only been 2-3 months, but you know I'm a natural born worrier. My friend Teri has been trying for over a year w/o getting preg and she got preg the first try with her son. Listening to her story and Jill's story makes me worry. I was hoping if I threw myself into working out and cleaning the house it might take my mind off of it, but no such luck.

Speaking of, I borrowed Kimmie's carpet shampooer and I plan to try it out this weekend while Curt takes Curtis to the springs (that is if the weather is ok). Right now I'm going to scrub the tile grout in my kitchen because I'm never done it before and it's sooooo dirty. In fact, all of my floors are so dirty that if Curtis is in socks the bottoms are black by the end of the day. Yuck!

Tara

good day

I feel like I never post here happy so here goes...

Curtis had three nights in a row of night wakings which lead to me sleeping on his floor for half the night. Well, last night he slept through and today he took a LONG nap at 1 and 3/4 hours. He was so much easier to deal with as a well rested kid. He didn't fight the dipe changes or getting dressed or anything. It's amazing how kids can go from sleeping terribly to getting lots of sleep in just a days time.

We went to the gym and had a good workout this morning (well, he played in the child area). Then we went to the mall play area to meet a girl whom I bought a stroller from. It was $25 and a little newer and in better shape then mine. It also had some extra features like a slide off tray table that I wanted. Well, at the play area I bumped into MIL. We've been having issues but we just put them aside. She was there with my two step-nieces and we all ended up going to the food court for lunch. She bought all three kids kiddie meals at Chik-fil-A.

Then after we were home and Curtis was napping the roofers called and said they are coming to start on our new roof tomorrow. Yipppeee! They said tomorrow they tear it off and Sunday it will be inspected for dryness. Then they will be back on Monday to put the new roof on. I called DH to tell him and we decided to go to the beach tomorrow so we won't be stuck here listening to them pound all day. We only live 45 min from the beach yet we don't go very often so I'm excited. The last time we went was in June so Curtis may have even more fun and there is a cool restaurant there right on the beach that you eat at outside with great food. I'm already excited about it.

I guess my point it....I am having a good day.

T

introspective

We had MNO last night but only 2 other girls showed up. After a short while it became clear that I was the only one who didn't smoke pot or drink every night. Am I the only one who thinks drugs and alcohol ruin lives? Am I the only one who thinks it's wrong to get high while your toddler is sleeping in the next room? One girl has been TTC for almost 2 years and is just nowing trying to quit. She says she can't sleep w/o it and yet denies being addicted. The denial is amazing. I left feeling disgusted, outcast, and sad.

Curtis hasn't slept well in three nights. He's up crying a bunch and I eventually just go to sleep on the floor in his room. I am beginning to worry becuase he hasn't had trouble sleeping in a long time. DH thinks it's just teeth or growing pains and maybe he's right but I still worry and pray about it.

So this morning I'm all introspective. I worked out long and hard at the gym and realized that I am over critical of myself and others all the time and that I also have anger issues. I don't want to be that type of person. I decided that everytime I criticize someone, whether outloud or in my head, I need to follow it with an instant compliment. I had to use this twice as I watch two women at the gym. I figure if I catch myself everytime and reverse the criticism maybe I will eventually stop being so critical and negative. I'm big onto long term solutions right now. I'm just pluggin away at the gym hoping and waiting to gain more endurance, we keep doing the deed and hoping for a + preg test soon, and I will keep my mental state in check until I no longer need to.

I want to also join the anger support group at church and sign up for the Spanish class at the SCC campus near my house. This is my game plan. I figured it might help me to write it all down.

T