funk

I am using every bit of strength I have to muster up a moderate amount of optimism today. I am in a definite funk for sure. This AM was ok. We did a walk with the dog, the gym, and the library. I don't know why I punish myself by taking Curtis to story time at the library. I guess it's wishful thinking. I need to just give up on it for a little for sure. He is just too wild to sit for puppets and stories. Otherwise he was ok.

I did a lot of thinking last night and realized that I have a whole heck of a lot of anger inside of me. Mostly for things from the past (my Dad mostly but other stuff too). Now that I realize that the issue is really anger not depression, what to do????? I was hoping working out at the gym would help but that has only helped a little bit. I'm toying with the idea of going to the Anger and Anxiety group Tuesday nights at my church.

Ok, well, I'd better get my shower in before 'Wild Thing' wakes up.

T

bored?

Is anyone else bored? I mean I feel like I have nothing to look forward to, if that makes any sense. My DH gets all excited before his soccer games each week. I can see it in him and honestly I'm jealous. I go to my gym most week days and I do go to the park and shopping and such, but it feels like everything is a chore lately. I told DH that I think I'm nearing mommy-burnout. I spend so much of my week killing time with my son and desperatley trying to come up with ideas to keep us both busy and it's just not cutting it. I guess it doesn't help that my son is almost 20 months and very high needs. I do things for myself (working out, monthly nights out with my girlfriends, vegging out in front of the TV or computer nightly) but I still feel so bored. I feel so selfish for complaining because, for one thing I only have one child, and my DH doesn't necessarily work long hours and he does try to chip in around the house. I wonder if everyone else doubts thier ability to be a good SAH mother/wife. This is the best job I've ever had and yet I still feel like I'm not cutting it.

Tara

forgot

I forgot to mention that I finally gave Curtis a buzz cut. I've been toying with the idea for a while now. I hate it when his hair gets all sweaty and sticky so I just cut it on the longest setting our clippers have. I think it looks good and I'll never pay $ to have it cut by a salon again. Here's a look.

Tara

surrounded by sickness

Curtis is working on week two of a nasty chest cough. I did finally cave in and take him to the PED but she said what I thought. He just has a lingering cough. He's not sick really. So $15 co-pay was wasted and they didn't even have an samples to give me. Bahhh!

Curt was really sick earlier this week and actually stayed home from work and missed soccer yesterday. You know things aren't good when he does that. The doc was flaky with him and diagnosed him with allergies even though we are both sure it's not that.

So Curt is back at work today. His fever is gone but he still sounds all irritated in the throat. Hopefully it will not linger long. I keep waiting to get sick with all this illness around me. I'm washing my hands a ton, taking airborne most days, working out at the gym, and trying to eat healthy. I figure a good offense is the best defense.

Tara

worst day

I had the crappiest day yesterday. I'll tell you about it backwards. I woke up at 2 am after finally taking nyquil to fall asleep last night after 3 nights of insomnia and walked right into the bathroom door. We usually keep it open but DH closed it because....

Our toliet exploded on me before my shower last night and sprayed water all over me and my bathroom. It continued to make gurgling noises all night so DH closed the door to be able to sleep. He works a later shift today so he and Curtis are over at Lowe's trying to figure out how to fix it.

Before that I got my period.

Before that I taught the worst group of boys in Sunday School. I had to raise my voice several times and put one kid in time out about 5 times. I've never had a class like that before. Then I had to talk to his parents about him and they were kind of defensive. I hope they don't become regulars, as horrible as that sounds.

Before that my garage door broke and would only open and close if you held the button down, causing me to be late for Sunday School. DH has already fixed this prob.

Before that my DH abandoned me. We were supposed to go get haircuts for Curtis and I after his nap. Well I wanted to finish vacuuming and told them to wait outside for me. 5 min later I go out and they're gone. I kept checking on them and an hour later they show up. They were at our neighbors house. Apparently Curt forgot that quickly about the haircuts and went over to hang with Ken and Brandley to, "give me a break".

During that time I did a bunch of stuff. I wiped my fan blades (something I hardly ever do), I mopped (my old way, but it's better then nothing right?), wiped down my doors (I thought my friends were crazy for this one but I did get some smudges off), got all the cobwebs off the porch, and maybe a few other things.

I cried myself to a Nyquil induced sleep last night from all my frustration (and probably hormones).

Tara

all done

Well, it's official, I am no longer a breast feeding mother. It's been a little less than 48 hours since Curtis nursed last. I kept feeling like he was telling me he was done. He refused several times over the past two weeks and when he did nurse it would be a couple sucks and done. I think it's important that I listen to him, especially if I want him to listen to me. I feel both sad and gald. I'm confused and can't quite believe we're done. I keep trying to remember the last time he nursed really well, but I can't. I'm hoping this was the right thing to do. I love him so much. It's so hard to explain.

Here he is enjoying carvel.
T

Here we are watching the parade on the 4th of July. You probably can't see but Curtis has two fistfulls of candy. They threw it from the firetrucks and he had a balst collecting it for Mommy!!! ;)

monday

The gym went great this morning. Curtis seems pretty comfy there now and it's only been a week. I'm a little sad because he has started refusing to nurse during the day. I nurse him twice a day, once before nap and once before bed, but recently he won't take the boob before nap and asks for his binky instead. I think he is weaning himself and part of me is glad and part of me feels sad. Why would my little boy want that binky over his mommy? I'm wondering how much longer we will go. I can't even believe I've gone 19 months considering my goal was 6 months. I never would have guessed.

Curt started his new schedule today. Now he works 11-7 on Mondays and 7-4 the rest of the week. I think I'm gonna hate it this afternoon but this morning was nice. I went grocery shopping and left the two of them here. It was much easier w/o Curtis with me.

T

TGIF

The gym went much better today. Curtis threw a fit when I left, but when I came back to pick him up I snuck in and got to see him playing matchbox cars with another little boy. It was all boys in there today so it's no wonder he had fun. She said he really hardly cried at all. We pulled Curt's matchbox cars back out recently since I think Curtis can handle them better now w/o them being as big of a choking hazard. He absolutely loves them. I had bought a cake pan shaped like a car at a yard sale months ago, and I know it's early, but I think I'll do a car theme for his 2nd b'day party. I could make the car shaped cake and have matchbox cars as the favors for the kids.
Curt's work is having some problem with some employees (not him of course) and they are now changing things around. Now he has to work 11-7 on Mondays. I was really disappointed at first but now that I'm thinking of it more I think I will use that time for grocery shopping. I usually go on Monday and now I could leave Curtis home with Curt and it would be much easier. Then I could just go to the gym at 10:30 instead of 9:30 like I have been. It will still be hard doing Curtis' dinner and bath w/o Curt's help, but I guess since it's only one day a week I'll deal with it. We really like having dinner together and will miss that, but as I said, it's only once a week. Plus.....get this....the big boss came in from Atlanta to address the issues and make changes and gave Curt another raise!!! Nothing huge, but apparently only a few of them got raises to show how they are the ones that aren't causing problems. I guess a few people have been spoken to on several occasions and are still making the same mistakes. Curt came out of the surprise visit with no mistakes on his reports and a 4% raise starting in August. We are both so happy and now Curt really feels good about having another baby. I know it could take a while but I'm hoping it doesn't take too long to get preg because I'd like to avoid being preg in June, July, and August if possible. This is probably another thing, though, that I need to give up control on and just take things as they come.

T

hello there

The gym went better today. He wasn't even crying when I picked him up. She said he cried some but was much better than yesterday. Here's what I'm doing per my trainer's advice. Three days a week I do weights. Twice (M,F) I do upper body and once (W) I do lower body. I do 30 min of cardio everyday before the weights. I've been breaking it up with 15 min on the eliptical and 15 on the treadmill. Then on Tues and Thurs when I don't do weights I am on a hydro therapy bed. I was on it for the first time today and it's awsome. It's like a single water bed with a line of jets that shoot and run from toes to head and back, over and over. It's kind of like a massage. I left today with a kid who wasn't tear stained and nice massaged muscles so I'm in a good mood, even if I'm a little sore from working out.

T

Tara

poo

Check out what happened to us today. We're playing and I'm getting ready for my first day at my new gym. Suddenly Curtis is screaming and crying. I didn't see him fall or hit himself or anything. I hug him and he is hugging me hard and crying hard. I smelled something so I thought maybe his diaper is dirty and bugging him. Well, TMI but, he had a hard poo half in and half out. I rubbed his belly but nothing happened and he was crying so hard. I tried putting him on the potty thinking that position would help, but nothing. Finally he ended up over my lap as if I was about to spank him. I rubbed his back but ended up just getting TP and pulling the hard poop out of him! His little bum was all red. I'm guessing he was constipated. For lunch I gave him watermelon, a slice of chicken, and graham crackers. I think I'll give him juice and an apple when he wakes. I'm trying to think of things to help his poo soften up so if you know of anything please tell me.

At the gym I did an orientation work out with a trainer for an hour. I learned a lot of the machines and how to use them. I heard Curtis cry three times from the daycare area. The lady in there was Cuban and had an accent so she was hard to understand but from what she did say I take it Curtis wanted her to hold him the whole time. She said he got jealous when she held the little 6 week old baby in there. He smells like perfume now and it bugs me. I am pleased though that I was there for an hour w/o her coming and telling me I had to take him.

Curtis now says snack. It sounds like nack. He asks for one a lot so I feel like he's hungry but then he doesn't eat. He also has a bunch of words added recently. He says tanks for thanks (proud mama here), all done, get down, in there, and more I can't remember. Recently he's gone from just describing an object with a word ("doggie") to actually expressing wants and needs ("all done").

T

help me

I'm having a supercrap day. Things with MIL have escalated and I'm stressed out. We are probably going to go see a counselor at my church because I'm afraid to talk to her alone. I'm so torn up and depressed about this. My family is full of issues so we moved down here to be close to Curt's family. They were supposed to be different. I know my MIL has had issues with Curt's step-sister and I always was so happy she wasn't getting into it with me. Well, now she is. I hate conflict and I am sick about this. I've been crying off and on all day.

On top of it all Curtis is being so cranky today. I told him that his Mommy was stressed out but he still won't give me a break . I went and signed up at a local gym today and was hoping to get a short work out in but they won't let you work out until you've had a physical fitness assesment and training on all the equipment. I understand and I'm looking forward to it but they couldn't schedule it until Monday. So my membership starts in July. I'm excited about it but also nervous about Curtis going in the daycare. The assessment is supposed to be 45 min but I wonder if he'll last that long. If not they said they would work with me and maybe do the last half another day.

I'm going to go with three girlsfriends to get sushi and beer tonight. I honestly keep thinking I just want to get drunk. I'm so stressed and sad and disappointed etc about all this MIL stuff that I just keep thinking about drinking. I knwo that's so unhealthy, especially for a former drug addict.

T

Monday Monday

Here are my guys last week on Father's day.

Having a rough one today. My DH is at the doctor right now. If you knew him, you would know how sick he must be. He never goes to the doc so when he asked me this morning to make him an appointment I knew it must be bad. I am praying that he doesn't have strep throat because I don't want to have to quarrentine him.

I got AF this morning and feel crappy as usual. It's always the first day of AF that kills me. And if anyone can tell me why my calves hurt so much during AF I'd love to figure that out.

Curtis hit 18 months and became a handful. He can be so cool and cute but most of the time he is so stubborn and angry. His anger worries me for such a young age. If something doesn't go his way he becomes a child who hits, throws things, bites, and screams. Maybe this is normal toddler behavior but I am thinking he is a bit above normal in these ways. I'm reading a book called How to Parent Your Spirited Child or something like that so we'll see if I can learn anything that will help.

T

difficult

There are some people in my life that seem to always want to make things difficult. Do you know these types of people? For some reason they try to turn everything into an argument. I have had discussions that started as harmless small talk that people like this have made an effort to try to argue with. This is so frustrating to me because I always find myself getting involved. I am going to a father's day cook out this afternoon and there will be at least one person there like this. I want nothing more than to be quiet and to not let myself get involved. Life is way to short to spend it looking for things to disagree about. I am not sure how I'm gonna do and it makes me anxious.

Mommy groups can be like this too. Sometimes it seems like no matter what you say and no matter how benign it is these people can find one thing in there to oppose. This is so exhausting to me and it becomes like a poster on the MDC boards said so well, "My mommy penis is bigger than your mommy penis." I hate this kind of crap and yet I easily let myself get angered and drawn in. I wish I was more stoic and tolerate. Today I am praying for courage, balance, tolerance, and love.

T

yesterday

I tried to post this yesterday but it never worked.

Ugh...I'm having the worst morning and I need to vent.First I got to Curtis' 18 month dr appointment 20 minutes early and they took me back to the exam room right away. Then I sat in a tiny exam room with a rambunctious toddler for 20 minutes. We had about 3 tantrums before the doc came in and spent 3 minutes with us.He is still skinny but not short anymore. He was a little over average for height but way below for weight and his ears and everything else were fine.

So then we go to the Sign Language class I signed him up for and that I've been all excited about. It is at a Montessori school in a classroom that is filled with stuff. There are puzzles and shells and blocks and stuff all over. Well the teacher wants Curtis to stay on the mat and play with the sign class toys. We had probably close to 10 meltdowns and I ended up stepping outside at one point because I felt like we were taking away from the other kids learning. It is impossible for him to be in a room filled with stuff and not explore it. Each time I (or the teacher) took him away from the shelves on the walls he threw a fit. It was so frustrating and exhausting and to top it off there weren't enough take home packs and since I was the last to sign up I didn't get one until the backordered packs come in. So we can't even go over the lesson at home now.

Then I'm driving home on I-4 listening to Curtis scream in the back seat and I see a big turtle trying to cross I-4. At this point I started crying. I'm at my wits end. I came home and put him straight in front of a video so I could take a minute for peace.

I'm so upset about this class. There are only 4 kids and only one his age. She is 17 months and a girl and she pretty much was the perfect student. I feel so disappointed and I also feel like I must be doing something wrong for him to behave this way. I think it's crazy to expect him to stay away from all that other stuff in the room, but obviously the teacher and school don't. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe Curtis shouldn't throw a fit everytime I tell him he can't have something.

Now for today. The A/C repair guys got here at 8:30am and said they hope to be done by 5pm. So my DH doesn't want me to leave them here alone, which means Curtis and I are stuck here in a no A/C house all day. Ho Hum.

Tara

18 months ago today

I was birthing my little baby boy. I wish I could say we've had a wonderful day so far but...well...honestly he's being a little punk this week. He's a little stuffy so I wonder if he is having trouble with his nose.

Anyway I got two books from the library yesterday that I'm so eager about. One is Disease-Proof Child by Dr. Furhman and the other is Easy to Love, Hard to Discipline, and I don't have the author here with me for that one.

Well, the Dr. Furhman book has me overwhelmed only one chapter in. I flipped around through some of the rest and pretty much feel like a huge failure. I wish I ate better than I do and I wish I knew why Curtis eats so little. I want to do better, but honeslty this book just makes me want to give up.

The other dicipline book is going well so far. I've only read the first chapter and haven't skimmed at all. I feel like I've only gotten an introduction of what the author plans to teach me so far and it seems great. I'm hopeful, but not going to beat myself up if I'm not perfect at the technique within a week. I tend to do this to myself when I get jazzed on an idea and can't manifest it in a short period of time.

My main reason for all this reading is that I feel like I'm failing my son. I feel like I'm feeding him all wrong and teaching him bad behavior. I will be the first to tell you I'm far from perfect. I have a short fuse and I am VERY moody. I wonder if a better diet would help the moodiness and I'm pretty sure that only self-dicipline will help the temper. I just hate going to bed each night feeling like I didn't give Curtis all that he needed.

Actually, I am leading you to believe I eat a bunch of junk but I'm not too bad. I am almost fully vegetarian and I eat very little dairy. I probably eat too many refined sugars still, but I am trying. Trust me, even the healthiest eater in the world would feel insecure after reading what this guy prescribes. I am not doubting him. In fact I admire him and wish he would come stay with me for a week and help me get on tract. It's just very overwhelming, I guess.

T

Happy Belated Memorila Day

We had a fun weekend, did you? We washed all of our cars, went to a memorial day parade, did some yard work and gardening, and ate some Mexican food (I know that's not too patriotic but it's the perfect thing to eat in this Florida heat).

I don't know if I posted here that my Mom got a new car and offered me her old one. I had a '97 Taurus and her's is a '99 so we said sure. Once I sell the '97 the deal is that I give her the money we get. They weren't gonna get much on the trade in so they came up with this win/win idea. It was a nice thing for them to do and I got a nice upgrade of two years and about 25K miles. So we washed all the cars since we needed to get the green one ready for selling. Washing cars isn't too bad when you do it together on a hot day. Even Curtis got in on the action.

Sanford, FL had a nice Memorial day parade yesterday. It was great free family entertainment and Curtis got some cool treats. He got some candy (really for Mommy), a couple pencils, and a frisby (really for Sebastian the dog). He really seemed to enjoy seeing all the police cars and floats.

I am feeling yucky today due to AF. She gave me a week of terrible PMS (panic attacks from hell) and finally showed up yesterday afternoon. I feel weak and my belly is weird. I'm off to make some iced raspberry leaf tea to enjoy this afternoon when Curtis wakes up.

T

back to normal????

Well, I dropped my Mom off at the airport yesterday. Now things are sorta of back to normal. Curt took a half day today because we are going to a birthday/pool party for Curtis' best buddy Adam who turns 2 this weekend. Yipee, pizza and cake and swimming. Curt also has Monday off so this will be a nice long weekend.

Having my mom here was great and also stressful. She was very helpful with Curtis and around the house. The stress part came from the fact that we usually get along so well but I felt definite tension this time. We had a big blow out fight last November and this is the first time I've seen her since then, so I figure that must be part of the reason. It made me sad and stressed me out and no matter what, whenever I see my parents I always have days of reverberating sadness afterwards. Not sadness that I miss them, but sadness that my childhood was what I consider to be bad. They won't agree with me but I do feel that we were all emotionally abused (and some physical) by my Dad and I personally think my Mom is the poster child for denial. Now she gets all weird if I even mention something bad about my father. My guess is that she would feel guilty if she had to admit that she let her children stay in a house with an abusive father. Their denial caused me such mental anguish for years because I thought maybe they were right. Now I feel sure that his actions and words were not right and were not loving and good for us kids. I still feel an overwhelming need for them to admit this, and I don't know why since I know they probably never will. I also feel an overwhelming sadness that I don't get to have a Daddy who can love me like he should.

Oh well, now I'm sad. Here's a cute recent pic of my little man.

T

hello again

Here we are on the Wednesday before mother's day.

My mother is coming to visit for a week starting tomorrow. I do have to finsh cleaning up but thought I should update because I've been blog lazy lately.

Mother's day was nice except we are all sick. I got sick on Thursday night. I think Curtis already was sick and now Curt has it too. The congestion is just lingering and driving me nuts. I blow my nose and cough about a million times a day and have to wipe Curtis' nose a lot too. He absolutely hates having his nose or face wiped. It sends him into back arching hysterics.

Later,
T

sorry

I've been MIA for no good reason. Well, I did try to post once and DH was downloading a huge file so I got tired of waiting for the window to open and gave up. So, we'll just make this easy and blame it on him!

We had a talk recently about our relationship because I was feeling like it was falling off track. I guess maybe sometimes we just need to talk about what is bothering us so we can get it out and over with. Things are better now, not perfect, but better.

Curtis was terrible at library story time this morning and I don't think I should take him to the library at all anymore. He threw fit after fit and ran right into a glass wall and fell down screaming at one point. I had to abandon my purse and books and take him outside to calm him down. He's in rare form today and I'm over it. He hits me when I don't let him have his way, and while it doesn't hurt, I do worry about his tendency towards violence. Maybe it's just a toddler thing, but you know how it is with FTM's, we always worry that our kid is turning into a psycopath.

Well, I'm off to find some non computer activity.

T